Winter

2018-02-09

It’s winter again.

He left and here I am, stuck with too much time to think. I’m settling in, getting used to a life I once loved. Months have gone by, things changed, people left. I don’t recognise it anymore. I’m staring at its skeletal remains, taunting me. You should have treasured it while it lasted. And I want to scream – but I did, I loved every damn second of it. I adored it all – the blooms in spring, the warmth of summer – even the bittersweet golden decay of autumn.

Maybe I loved it too much. It doesn’t matter. No one’s there to hear my desperate plea.

Our ghosts linger in the places where we used to talk, laugh, exist. Phantoms from another time, frozen in their little bubble. Happy. I see them whenever I pass. My words keep them alive. Crazy how much can change within a couple of months. Crazy to watch the brightest fire die.

A pang of nostalgia hits me. I’m in love with these memories, keep living in this messed up autumn that was so beautiful in its decay. I live in denial. Maybe it’s time to bury the memories, for I’m here and wished I was somewhere else. Anywhere. And this is not how I want to feel.

I’m seeking refuge in the wrong things, again, always repeating the same mistakes. I want to lose myself in places. And people, I’m always depending on people, one replacing the other. But they can’t help me, attention won’t fix this, not in the long run. Some things can’t be fixed, only endured.

I should know better. But it’s dark and cold and I feel lost and don’t know what to do. Why do I need this crazy intensity in order to feel alive? As if peaceful days with little joys weren’t enough. I’m always asking for more, addicted to ups and downs and messiness and chaos. Preferring the sun scorching my skin rather than filling my lungs with cold air.

But it can’t be summer all year. Things die. Life takes a break. It’s winter in my heart and I’m slowly starting to understand that it doesn’t need to be fixed. Not all that’s broken needs mending. Yes, it’s desolate and cold and I’m missing the colourful warmth. But there’s snow and tea and a good book to read under my warm blanket, too.

And eventually, when the time is right, things will change again. Every winter is succeeded by spring.

17 Comments
    1. “But it can’t be summer all year. Things die. Life takes a break. It’s winter in my heart and I’m slowly starting to understand that it doesn’t need to be fixed. Not all that’s broken needs mending. Yes, it’s desolate and cold and I’m missing the colourful warmth. But there’s snow and tea and a good book to read under my warm blanket, too.”

      I love how you talk yourself through your problems, letting us into those intimate details that we all feel, but sometimes don’t share with those around us. Yes, life takes a break. Winter right now here is a new layer of snow, bright sunshine, with music in our house and a sense of relaxation. As I watch the birds dart back and forth from the feeder, I know my gardens need this snow to be ready in the spring for planting. It’s life’s way of repairing and rejuvenating itself.

      If your tea, your book, and your blanket, you are doing the same. We need that time to just sit, reflect, and relax. If we don’t we flame out, unable to keep ourselves in the moment.

      And like you said, “Every winter is succeeded by spring.”

      Enjoy your time with your book and tea. Those are precious times not to be taken lightly as they becoming more and more fleeting with the passing of time. :)

      1. I really loved this beautiful comment! Thank you very much for taking your time, Darin, I appreciate it a lot! I’m probably repeating myself but I can’t emphasise it enough: words like these keep me going and I’m so grateful that people like you read my posts. :)

        Your winter sounds beautiful and you’re right, so is mine – I just have to look for the good.

      1. Haven’t thought about it that way, good point! :D thank you for commenting :)

      1. haha you’re very perceptive :P well, let’s say time and change. But I’m okay, don’t worry, coming to terms with it :)

    1. I love this new piece of yours ! Your posts are so graceful and intimate, I read your words and find bits of myself too, just like others do to. I love how I can feel you’re writing for you and not for others. Thank you for sharing those bits of yourself with the world.

      1. Thank you very much, Mireille <3 I'm so happy you see that in my writing, it's beautiful that you do. Your comment made me really happy :)

      1. Thank you! It’s really hard and I need many reminders. But it makes me feel better, calmer. :)

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