Two Extremes

2017-04-11

My life swings between two extremes. Most of the time I’m sociable, talkative, barely spend any time on my own. Then there’s a sudden slump, everything goes dark and I forget how I’m supposed to work.

I used to think that the girl with the bright smile was me while the other girl was dysfunctional and flawed. Someone who has to be fixed. I never considered the option that the latter could be taking care of me, putting on the emergency brake in order to prevent a crash. The sociable girl is not good at listening to quiet needs, she tends to push herself too hard. Always striving for more connections.

So lately, I’ve been trying to spend more time between the two extremes. Bring the two girls together, find some common ground. In the best case they’ll merge to one. Of course it’s easier said than done. People and the chance to have an inspiring conversation that transforms a stranger into a familiar soul are irresistible. My alone-time is bound to the dead of the night when my flatmates have gone to sleep.

Maybe that’s the reason why I’ve been staying awake till three or four am in the last couple of weeks. My mind might need some solitary hours it doesn’t get during the day. To think, process, dream, I don’t know. Then my poor body is left with four hours of sleep – of course it’s going to crash sooner or later, asking for a break.

However, it seems impossible to spend less time with people, at least for now. I just can’t. The urge to be around others is too strong. So I try to find a compromise – spending more time in nature. Nothing puts my mind at ease the way being outside does. I’m not alone, but I don’t feel obliged to talk all the time. My thoughts wander.

The girl in these photos is my beautiful German blogger friend Sophia. She visited me last week; unfortunately I wasn’t the best host those days, spending days in uni and being lost in my mind. But well. On Saturday we went to Interlaken where we spontaneously decided to spend the day by the lake instead of going on a hike. The sun finally appeared after days hidden behind clouds. We returned with our skin reddish from sunburn, tired smiles on our face.

I don’t want to rub anything in people’s face. It’s not about ‘hey, my life is so amazing right now. I get to see all those beautiful places and take beautiful photos to show it to you’. No. This is about trying to take care of myself, maybe failing, maybe with success. We’ll see. It’s about finally doing the things I’ve always wanted to do. Stop feeling ashamed of my body, get over my laziness and go out more often, do what makes me feel good and stop envying others for the lives they lead.

I used to sit at home, looking at happy photos of summer days spent by the river posted by popular people on social media. Today I finally manage to stop caring about beautiful photos. I stop comparing myself to others. And I most definitely know better than doing things only to be able to share them online afterwards.

Now that I can take them myself I realise that beautiful photos don’t matter. Do what your heart desires, no matter how popular it might be on social media. You are the author of your life, you should do whatever you want.

45 Comments
    1. I love your posts even though I’ve been following for a short while. The feelings you describe I can relate to. Keep being you.

      1. Thank you so much, Lex! <3 You are a beautiful soul, both on the inside and on the outside. I'm glad we've found each other's blogs :) take care xx

    1. I understand the extremes, that is how I came up with the name of my blog. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Take care, Monika.

      1. Oh, your blog name is a great idea! I hope both of us can find the gray we’re looking for. Thanks for your comment and have a lovely day <3

        1. FYI, Instagram – Orenkiwi. There’s a few California pics that I added on there. Have a great day.

    1. So I am in my mid forties And my kids older now so I feel like I can relate to the two extremes and I’m trying to figure out which one . Just keep moving forward your so young you will figure it out .

      1. Thank you for your comment! It’s quite relieving to know that people in their forties feel similarly too. All the best to you :)

    1. It’s as if you wrote exactly what I went through. However since I’ve gone through it and in a way still am, don’t worry. Those nights will soon pass. Often you need to break apart to put the pieces back together the right way this time.

      1. A wonderful comment, Fai, thank you. <3 I guess I'll need some time to figure out how to deal with it, but I know that everything will be okay eventually. I hope you're doing well, take care x

    1. I read somewhere that you can not give what you do not have.. taking care of ourselves is giving time to refill … really lovely reminder 😍😍

    1. There’s two… actually there’s more than two people inside me.

      Each person is different.

      The main two though are the “me-I-desire-to-be” and then there’s the “me-who-doubts-me”

      For many years we lived in conflict, fighting against each other and often it was the doubter putting the desirer down… and winning.

      What I’ve learnt is that they are both very big parts of how my life is lived. And to live more the way I desire to, I need to learn to live in harmony with all sides of me.

      Self love comes from accepting all sides of me, and knowing that the doubter-me is trying to protect me. He is doing what he thinks is best to prevent hurt. I love that side of me for looking after me…

      In the mean time, the desiring-me takes the control and calms doubter-me down…

      Like a pet…

      Doubter-me has its own personality. But as my pet I am ultimately responsible for its control and behaviour.

      I learnt this through an interesting book called “the chimp paradox” by professor Steve Peters. It’s a very interesting mindset book and a great way to help gain control of your negative thoughts.

      We are all schizophrenics, with different sides to us and at times we wear the masks to suit.

      1. Hey Maurice, I’ve just realised I’ve never answered your comment. I’m sorry! Thank you for sharing your insights, it was really interesting to read and I could identify very well with what you’ve written. I think I’m slowly learning to embrace my different aspects, both the beautiful and the ugly ones. Thank you for the recommendation, I’m going to check the book out :) I hope you’re doing well! x

    1. I kind of understand this feeling. People don’t know how I can be extroverted and still need alone time, it’s almost like it’s impossible to them. It stresses me out.

      1. In the last few days, I’ve talked to some people about this – you’re definitely not alone <3 I hope they'll learn to understand you eventually.

    1. I’m amazed it’s warm enough to go sunbathing! & no, you can’t survive on 4hrs sleep a night.

      1. It’s been really warm here in Switzerland :) where do you live?
        And yeah, I have to take better care of myself.

    1. A different way of saying what I mentioned in a previous comment: “You are the author of your life”.
      Stick to that. Do the things you like and people will follow.
      :)

      1. That’s a great motto, it’s true that I’m not as active as I should be when it comes to having the responsibility over my life, sometimes I’m more the reader than the author. Thank you for your encouragement :)

        1. My pleasure. That is a nice phrase, “more the reader than the author of my life”. May I use it with your permission in one story or the other?

          1. I’m flattered you like it – feel free to adapt and use it, I’m sure I’m not the one who came up with it :D

    1. I think it’s very healthy to be able to enjoy solitude and be with yourself at times. It’s not good to be over-dependent on other people. It’s possible to be a sociable, warm person yet still be comfortable being alone at times. I’m that way. I have a very social job, like people and animals, have to talk a lot while I’m working…so when I get home I like to be quietly by myself for a while. It helps “recharge the batteries” and keep you in touch with your inner self and guidance. It’s important!

      1. Than you for your kind words, Gloria! I’m sorry for my very late reply.
        Yeah, I guess I tend to be over-dependent on other people at times, but then I have phases in which I feel like a loner and am totally okay with it. Sounds like you’ve found a great balance, I hope I’ll get to that point too someday :) I hope you’re doing well, take care! <3

      1. It’s my friend Sophia and she didn’t need any convincing from me at all, it was her idea :D

      1. Thank you so much, Danny! :)) I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your travels :)

    1. That was an amazing post!! You sound more positive than I think you know or maybe you do. In any case I think things will turnout wonderfully for you, but just make sure that you start getting some real sleep. :-)

      1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment! <3 I'm torn between endless optimism and destructive self-doubt, but I'm positive everything will be fine at the end :) hahah yeah, I should definitely work on my sleeping pattern! I hope you're doing well, take care xx

    1. Indeed. We all write the narratives of our life’s. Sometimes this is easy to lose sight of. Thank you for sharing, inspiring!

    1. I’m really digging your thoughts and introspectiveness, most of which seem to be straight out of my own head that it’s kind of scary! Love it though. I hear you on so much of this. 💜

      1. I think that’s so lovely about blogging – we get a peek into other people’s minds and realise that sometimes, we’re more similar than we think :) thank you for your kind words <3 take care! xx

    1. I get you. I am a an introverted extrovert. That means I charge my batteries on a daily basis with social interaction, but every so often, I also need to reset and completely recharge alone or with just one other person. In nature is the best. When I was younger (or before I had kids and prized my sleep over anything else) I used to stay up late as you describe here… Over the years, I have discovered that running or yoga are both effective ways for me to recharge my internal and solitary batteries, with positive side effects versus staying up too late, which has negative side effects.

      1. I love the term introverted extrovert! I find myself in what you’ve written, I should try healthier methods like yoga and running as well. Thank you very much for sharing and take care <3

    1. I liked this post- and can relate to the competing desires for solitude and human companionship. Let me tell you, from the vantage point of 51, the contradiction doesn’t go away- you just keep learning new ways to manage it. But I think you’re on to something re: spending time in nature. And if you have friends that want to do that as well, you may feel you’re able to get both things at once. Or- a dog is great for that as well (even borrowing a friend’s dog). All the best, L.

      1. Dear L, thank you for sharing! I’ve already feared that it wouldn’t go away, but it’s good to hear that there will be ways to cope with it. I like the idea with the dog :) I hope you’re doing well x

    1. Reading this in the 6am silence, before the entire world turns into complete chaos for the day. Yep, I get it. :)

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