My life swings between two extremes. Most of the time I’m sociable, talkative, barely spend any time on my own. Then there’s a sudden slump, everything goes dark and I forget how I’m supposed to work.
I used to think that the girl with the bright smile was me while the other girl was dysfunctional and flawed. Someone who has to be fixed. I never considered the option that the latter could be taking care of me, putting on the emergency brake in order to prevent a crash. The sociable girl is not good at listening to quiet needs, she tends to push herself too hard. Always striving for more connections.
So lately, I’ve been trying to spend more time between the two extremes. Bring the two girls together, find some common ground. In the best case they’ll merge to one. Of course it’s easier said than done. People and the chance to have an inspiring conversation that transforms a stranger into a familiar soul are irresistible. My alone-time is bound to the dead of the night when my flatmates have gone to sleep.
Maybe that’s the reason why I’ve been staying awake till three or four am in the last couple of weeks. My mind might need some solitary hours it doesn’t get during the day. To think, process, dream, I don’t know. Then my poor body is left with four hours of sleep – of course it’s going to crash sooner or later, asking for a break.
However, it seems impossible to spend less time with people, at least for now. I just can’t. The urge to be around others is too strong. So I try to find a compromise – spending more time in nature. Nothing puts my mind at ease the way being outside does. I’m not alone, but I don’t feel obliged to talk all the time. My thoughts wander.
The girl in these photos is my beautiful German blogger friend Sophia. She visited me last week; unfortunately I wasn’t the best host those days, spending days in uni and being lost in my mind. But well. On Saturday we went to Interlaken where we spontaneously decided to spend the day by the lake instead of going on a hike. The sun finally appeared after days hidden behind clouds. We returned with our skin reddish from sunburn, tired smiles on our face.
I don’t want to rub anything in people’s face. It’s not about ‘hey, my life is so amazing right now. I get to see all those beautiful places and take beautiful photos to show it to you’. No. This is about trying to take care of myself, maybe failing, maybe with success. We’ll see. It’s about finally doing the things I’ve always wanted to do. Stop feeling ashamed of my body, get over my laziness and go out more often, do what makes me feel good and stop envying others for the lives they lead.
I used to sit at home, looking at happy photos of summer days spent by the river posted by popular people on social media. Today I finally manage to stop caring about beautiful photos. I stop comparing myself to others. And I most definitely know better than doing things only to be able to share them online afterwards.
Now that I can take them myself I realise that beautiful photos don’t matter. Do what your heart desires, no matter how popular it might be on social media. You are the author of your life, you should do whatever you want.