The Silence You Leave

2016-02-09

Monday evening. I’m walking through a dead village. The wind creates scary noises in the black foliage above me, the rain on the asphalt reflects the street lights. It’s cold, my hand is cold and with no distraction around me I can’t help but notice the void you’ve left.

The sky above me is pitch-black, there is no moon I can look at that would soothe my heart. My hand feels cold and I suspiciously turn around because of every step that disrupts the nocturnal silence. I’m alone, the feeling of safety you gave me is gone and only now I realise that it was there all the time.

Out in the night, there’s no screen with Photoshop or Facebook to distract me. No music I can listen to, no kids to take care of or people to talk to, no photo shoots to organise. It’s just me and the deserted streets and the silence grows loud, even the void next to me seems to have a sound. It’s not a pleasant one.

We didn’t talk all the time, but even just having you beside me, silently walking together, fingers in those old gloves intertwined, had its own melody – a song my only perceived by my heart.

We grew together and I hate the circumstances for tearing us apart again and again just to bring us closer the next time before it’s time to say goodbye again. It doesn’t hurt more the better we know each other – but the anger is growing. Because I get to feel how it is to live with you, be with you day in, day out, just to have it taken from me again.

I don’t know how to deal with the silence you leave. I try to avoid it by keeping myself busy, too busy to feel sad or lonely, but during those minutes away from distractions, the silence grows loud and triggers my thoughts.

You are dearly missed and I wished there was some way to shorten the time of the long-distance part of our relationship. But only patience can help.

deserted street

88 Comments
    1. Nicely written – even though I know from experience long past how those goodbyes feel … that absence.

      1. Thank you for your comment, I think it’s interesting that you can relate to some of my experiences :) So you were also in a LDR? Did you close the distance then or did it not work out at the end?

        1. Yes, I was in LDRs … and twice I was not able to close the distance but the third time it worked out (it was a very short LDR and is now a happy SDR). Maybe the long distance brought the differences or incompatibilities in/of character to light only faster – in retrospect it seems both relationships look like they were doomed to fail. Well I originally wanted to avoid this answer because I wish you all the best…

          1. Sorry for the late reply – don’t worry, I can handle that answer since I’m really optimistic about my relationship since we can handle the distance and have a great time while we’re together even when it’s for a longer period of time :)
            I’m glad the third relationship worked out! It’s also my third relationship – “alle guten Dinge sind drei”, right? :D

      1. <3 thank you Cara, it's always so lovely to hear from you! Have a great day xox

      1. hihi thank you! <3 you might find your special someone abroad too! :D I can't find your blog anymore, can you pass me the link? which country are you going to? :)

      1. Thank you, Katarina! I just peeked into your new blog and the layout and photos are amazing! I first wasn’t sure if it was really you haha

          1. haha it was definitely a compliment, your blog already used to be beautiful before, but now it looks so different, you’ve been to so many new places .. and all the posts are in Swedish, haha.

    1. Oh, I know how you feel sweetie!! I do the same thing, I try to keep myself busy, but when I got in a bus, or I walk alone; or I go to bed I just remember that something is missing… And it is so unfair the fact that you can try how it is to live with that other…and when you see it is perfect you say to yourself ‘but why it has to be in the other side of the world’…But believe me the wait it is worth it. By the way, which language do you guys speak? (I know english might be but are you willing to learn one of yours?) Re you coming to this part of the sea?? My boyfriend and I are going to Uruguay in the middle of the year… (he has to go out of the country and in to get the tourist visa, till he gets his long term visa for a job)

      1. hola Valeria, muchas gracias por tu comentario! :) I’m sorry it took me so long to answer it. You describe it perfectly! I wouldn’t really say it’s unfair that we get to feel how it is to live with the other person because there are couples who don’t get the chance for a long time, but it the time apart is all the more frustrating then. I lived in Uruguay for a year so we mostly speak Spanish together although some English phrases sneak in sometimes haha what about you? :) Oh, when are you going to Uruguay?? To Montevideo or rather to Colonia? I’m probably going to be in Uruguay from July to September.. :) so do you live near Buenos Aires? And is your boyfriend going to move to Argentina?
        Beso grande!! :)

        1. aaaaww !! no hay problema!! Oh you lived here! that’s awesome. We speak englishmostly, he knows spanish but well it takes some time to share stuff so we do it in english. This year he is coming here to stay with me (let’s hope) and so we will have to speak spanish as he will have to work here. He is coming at the end of May beginning of June, and we are going to Uruguay at the end of July or something like it. We were thinking to go around Montevideo, I’ve never been there so I will have to look up for places to go and see! Well then have a good trip! and I’m looking forward for you coming posts! Besoo, cuidate ! :)

          1. hola Vali :) oh so he’ll definitely be fluent in Spanish when he lives there – are you planning to learn Dutch as well? it’s so awesome he’s going to stay with you! For how long? Do you already have any long-term plans like where you want to live together? Oh, if you like we can meet up when you’re in Montevideo since I should be there in the end of July and we can show you around and take some photos! :) cuidate y beso grande!

            1. Hii!!! yeeah he will definetely! I started some small stuff but it is so hard (I know danish already and it is similar but still hard) For 4 years he will stay till Im done with my studies but well we are thinking to move to England cause I will be able to work with my degree as English-Spanish translator. I would love to do that I’ve never been there so it will be so great if we meet and I love taking pictures so yeeah!! this is my facebook you can add me if you want to ( Val Zabala). You where re u going to live? lots of love sweetie! take care Saludos desde Argentina ^_^

              1. You’ve learnt Danish? Were you an exchange student too? :) haha my boyfriend is starting his German course today, I’m so happy he’s finally learning my language as well haha
                wow, it’s so great that he’s going to stay with you for four years!! wasn’t that a really tough decision for him? I couldn’t imagine doing it :s and is he finishing his degree this summer?
                England sounds great! We’re planning to move to an English speaking country but there are so many options haha but I think Europe would be practical :)
                besos desde Suiza <3

    1. Captivating writing! The first paragraph caught me this morning, and I couldn’t stop reading. Sorry for the LDR, but love your style. :)

      1. Thank you very much for your kind comment! :) it totally made me smile. I wish you a lovely day!

    1. This speaks to me very deeply, wow. Stay strong!! :)

    1. I suggest watching the film 10,000km. It’s about LDR’s. By the way, I like your blog’s theme…is it a paid WP theme?

      1. Hi, thank you for stopping by and recommending the movie! :) I’ve just checked it out and it looks very touching.. definitely gonna look it soon!
        I bought it for 40$ in the Mojo Marketplace, it’s called “Amiable” :)

          1. You’re welcome :) I will, though I’ll wait till July because I want to watch it with my boyfriend while we’re together haha

            1. Oh man…if you’re in an LDR right now then maybe you shouldn’t see it…it’s quite heavy

              1. haha yeah, the trailer looked quite dramatic, that’s why I think it’s better to wait until I see my boyfriend again :D

    1. Beautiful words, and LDRs are, often, so difficult and heart wrenching. If you can make it work; however, it is so worth it! I was in a LDR for 2 1/2 years many, many years ago; we made it work, and now, we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in just a few months! ;) The old saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” was true for us! … Which I would have to say is the foundation for LDRs… If your love is meant to last, and you BOTH put enough effort into it, it will last. Love is a choice, and you have to choose to continue loving, but it is, also, a “2 way street,” meaning, it takes two people to keep the love alive. If only one is working on the relationship, eventually, all will be lost. (You can read a little more of my thoughts on this here: https://thegrizzlegrist.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/wednesdays-ode-21-oops/
      Glad I found your blog! It looks great, and I love the style and approach! :)

      1. wow, your story is amazing! I hope I’ll be able to say the same about my love one day, we’ve bee together for two years now but it’ll still take a couple of years till we can close the distance.. what was your distance/were your countries back then? :)
        “Love is a choice, and you have to choose to continue loving, but it is, also, a “2 way street,” meaning, it takes two people to keep the love alive.” I totally agree with you! Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment, I’m checking out your post right now! Glad you’ve found me – have a lovely weekend! <3

        1. We were two states apart for 2 1/2 years, and we met in a little town in North Georgia almost every Saturday to spend the day together; then, we’d return to our respective homes before my curfew of 1am. We each had an hour drive. Our phone bills were out the roof!! 😂😜

          1. Oh, your ldr was very different from mine! My boyfriend lives in Uruguay and I live in Switzerland, we see each other twice a year – but for me personally it’s rather practical to have a large block of time together instead of a bit every week. The curfew sounds so strict haha and luckily we have Skype nowadays :D

            1. Yes, today’s technology makes it so much easier. We had to do this “way back when” there were no social medias or many cell phones, for that matter. Haha. … Wow, that IS a ldr! I commend you on your commitment, and I hope you guys are able to make it through! How long will you have to keep this distance going?

              1. I’m glad you managed to do it without the technology we have today! I’m always happy when I hear about LDR couples that got married and closed the distance :)
                Thank you, I’m quite optimistic about it :) We’ve been together for two years and it’ll take at least another three years..

    1. Thanks for paying a visit to my blog at psycheandspirit.net. Kep embracing your gifts!

      Richard Patterson
      El Paso TX

    1. This is so beautiful and vulnerable and true. I love it! Its refreshing to read someone being so open on the internet. I try to do that every now and then, and you definitely have inspired me to keep going into that direction.
      The feeling that you described is the worst, well best and worst. As everything in life, it has its highs and lows. Keeping busy always helps. but when that silence comes there is no where to hide from it :/
      Best wishes on your relationship! <3
      – Ilse

      1. I’m a bit late here, but thank you so much for your kind comment, Ilse! <3 I appreciate your comment a lot, especially because I'm working hard on being open (and thus more relatable) online - it's great to see that my effort is paying off :) and I love that you write that I'm inspiring to do so too! let's do it together :))
        haha I've just realised that I wrote in English for a change - so cool that we can communicate in two languages :D

    1. You are so talented… quite artistic… I’m so inspired by your writing.
      Goodluck to you both… LDR is pretty tough…

      Grosses bises <3 Etoile

      1. Merci beaucoup, Etoile! :)) You’re so kind. Good to you both too, I hope all is going well! <3

    1. Monika,

      this touched me so much and I wanted to stop by letting you know that you made someone smile…by reading you. I feel like I am similar in the sense that I have left pieces of my heart wherever I traveled…Germany, France, Australia, Indonesia,…Hawaii

      I love your blog and have to follow :-)

      Check out my blog and follow me if you are interested.

      http://www.claudiamariefit.com

      Aloha from Hawaii

      1. Dear Claudia (or should I say hallo Claudia? :D),

        Thank you so much for your kind comment! <3 I've totally forgotten to reply it, I'm sorry!

        I'm so glad you found my blog because I found yours in return. We're both half Germans :D and I LOVED your elaborate "fitness/transformation" post! It's one of the reasons why I'm taking care of myself again.

        Can't wait to read more of you and I'm planning to comment the next time :))

        Love from Switzerland!

        1. Dear Monika,

          thank you soo much for your kind response. I love that we have a few things in common. I can’t wait to read more of your great posts and also to chat here on my blog.

          Have a wonderful day and grüezi in die Schwizz ;-)

    1. ”So what’s the redemption from the clutch of solitude as against the terrifying melancholy of closure?

      It’s an answer I don’t have.

      But one my heart whispers, is to live in the moment and live only in it wholly. And make mistakes till you make sense of this random graffiti when the prosaic is ready one fine dawn!”

      More so, given that you’re an amazing photographer with the perfect focus :)

      1. whoa, what a beautiful quote you chose! Thank you for sharing, and for the lovely compliment. I’m sorry I’m answering so late – I hope you’re doing well, take care and have a beautiful week x

        1. Hey, that’s understandable. No complaints. A busy writer only means we are on the verge of being served something delicious.. Wishing you too a fruitful week ahead. ;)

    1. Hey there! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and reading one of my recent posts! Loved seeing what you’re living and sharing here. I’m looking forward to following…

      1. Hi Maureen, I’m sorry for my late reply. Thank you for leaving this kind comment! All the best to you, take care x

    1. Hi Monika,

      This is such a wonderful blog you have here. You must also be such a beautiful person. Thank you for checking out my blog. I think you are exactly where you need to be (in life with this blog and photography). All the best to you and I wish you continue to create beautiful things.

      1. Hi, thank you for your kind comment and sorry for my belated answer!

        Your lovely words made me smile, thank you so much. I hope you’re doing fine as well, take care and have a beautiful week! x

    1. Love the post… I feel that you are an old soul even though you are very young. All the best to you…

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words and for following me. I’ve looked at your blog, you’re beautiful <3 take care! x

    1. Beautiful photography and words! You’be been gifted with a beautiful eye with which to see what others often do not see. Thank you for liking a post on my blog site. I would not have discovered you otherwise. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

      1. Hi Sandra, thank you so much for your lovely words, they made me very happy! Have a beautiful day and take care! x

    1. very moving and you have a richness at expression yourself and very relateable
      and hits the soul. much respect and the best to you

      1. Oh, thank you very much for your kind words! Take care and have a lovely Sunday :)

    1. It is difficult to speak of the night.
      It is the other time. Not
      an absence of day.
      But where there are no flowers
      to turn away into.

      Jack Gilbert, from “It Is Difficult To Speak Of The Night”

Let me know what you think!

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