The Elephant

2017-05-23

I can’t believe how close I came to losing real friends just because my mind convinced me that I was expendable.

After a month of avoiding him, I finally talk to C. He deserves the truth. I’ve brushed him off so often, but he didn’t let it prevent him from reaching out again and yet again. Friends like him are gold. Giving him up would be pure stupidity. So we drink beer in a cozy bar and I order a pitcher to make up for being late. It takes a while till the alcohol makes me brave and I’m able to tell him about the elephant in the room.

He looks at me with expectant eyes, waiting for answers. On why I’ve been acting strangely, dodging him, pushing everyone away. Deep breath, I’m so damn nervous. I thought I was about to be abandoned by you guys. So I preferred to cut the ties myself. One of my greatest fears. It sounds ridiculous now, but back then, I was sure about it. So sure I decided to leave my beloved shared flat, my safe harbour, my home.

Opening up saves our friendship. He listens and simply says: ‘Even though we barely talked last month, you still belong to my closest friends. It didn’t change anything about our friendship.’ Do you know how everyone tells you not to believe everything your mind tells you? I never understood that cryptic advice. Till that moment. Suddenly it made so much senseEither you leave people or they leave you. What if I’m wrong about this?

Telling him the truth cuts off my escape. I can’t run away anymore. But it’s okay, I don’t want to. I finally stop giving in to my irrational fears. It’s time to live again, to be brave and fight. Instead of taking the easy way out by hiding behind my fears.

April was painful, but it taught me to be honest with myself. There were many ugly truths about me that I couldn’t accept. But last month I talked to others, shared my dark secrets and realised that I wasn’t alone with my monsters. However, in contrast to me, the others aren’t afraid or ashamed. They don’t fight it. Instead, they accept it as a part of who they are. Neither good nor bad, just human. And knowing that it’s okay to feel that way I do, that I’m not evil for having flaws that hurt others, changes everything.

You stop doubting yourself and people’s relationship with you when you make yourself truly vulnerable. When you admit all the horrible things you feel and do. Because when people know about your worst sides and still stick around, you can be pretty sure they’ll stay for good. Complete honesty makes relationships more intense, gives them the possibility to flourish.

I used to be afraid of being too open, too clingy, too boring. I constantly worried about telling too much about how I feel and scare others away with it. But this is over. Lately I get to spend a lot of time with people with whom I can be me. The weird, insecure, affectionate, laughing me. And I realised that I shouldn’t be afraid of telling my truth. Where’s the point in hiding who I am and how I feel? If everyone did that, we’d never see each other for who we are. Wonderful, flawed, human. It’s time to stop making excuses for being who we are.

I’m so grateful for this confidence brought to me by supportive and loving people (including you guys, my dearest readers!). We can do this.

222/365

28 Comments
    1. Having the courage to face your fears, accept who you are and realise that you have flaws – as we all do, accept them and still realise that you are a good, beautiful person, is a mark of true honesty. Facing your closest friends and confiding in them takes guts and for doing that you are so brave. Our friends surprise us – our ‘true’ friends tell us, as you said here, that they will always be there. Opening yourself up to them enriches our lives and brings us closer to those who really count. Thank you for posting such a great post. From another ‘Wonderful, Flawed, Human’.

      1. Thank you for taking your time and leaving this thoughtful and encouraging comment, Rich. This feedback means a lot to me. Take care and have a wonderful week :)

    1. Oh, my, I’m sorry for not having been there for you. I, too, was in a similar “mess” in March that I knew I had to get over. Then April came and the A to Z Challenge made me busy…Do know that not because people have become a bit busy, like your friend, they don’t care anymore about you. It is true, people may come and go in our lives. But there are people who stay. Often , they stay in your heart.

      1. Hey, don’t worry, everything turned out fine! <3 Thank you very much, though, you are very kind! Yeah I think I often understand 'being busy' as 'having other priorities' and take it personally. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not, and I still have to learn to distinguish it. I hope you're doing well again xx

    1. It is really scary to be honest and vulnerable with people, but you are truly a lovely, kind-hearted and fun person, and if someone can’t see that in you, then they are honestly not worth your time! I’m glad that didn’t happen with C though, and you guys reconnected <3

      1. Thank you so much, Arielle! <3 it means a lot to me that you got to know me and still think so positively of me :D you're such a lovely, bubbly and positive person, I'm so glad you could visit me xx

    1. You found out that everyone is imperfect! lol I’m kidding of course – but I have noticed your writing and pictures have been/shown more of a hopeful Monica. I am happy you’re experiencing this!

      1. haha you’re not wrong ;) I think I’m learning some very basic and yet very important lessons these weeks. Thank you for your support! Take care x

      1. Thank you so much! :)) I’m really blessed to have so many supportive people in ‘real life’ and here :)

    1. I’ve felt these same feelings all my life. With friends I would intentional distance between us and rather feel alone than vulnerable. Glad you took a big step in being honest <3

      1. Thank you for your kind comment – have you been working on it, too? Take care! <3

        1. Oh yes, for years. Helps to remember it’s easy to get swept in all the self loathing and take it easy. You too!

    1. Lovely post .We should love our flaws and strength as it’s a God gift to us .

    1. Hey Monika,thanks for checking out a recent post,Radiate,and for liking it.I appreciate it.

      Michael.

    1. I relate 100% to this post. When I was younger I had friends that didn’t truly care about me. Since then, I have limited how much I speak about my feelings. I also try to be the most fun me for others. Lately, since moving to a new state in the U.S., I have been very lonely with no one to really talk to. I am nervous to trust people – believing it will all end up being like my childhood friendships.

      So, thank you for this! I’m glad other people go through similar issues. It helps me a lot.

      1. Hey Rose, I’m very sorry for my late reply! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this :) I hope things have been better for you. Maybe I’ve been incredibly lucky but my experiences in the last months were that if you’re authentic, positive and open up first, people will follow suit. I hope you’ll find some people who embrace you the way you are <3

    1. Beautiful thoughts, Monika. And kudos for being brave enough to see, admit, and even write about your vulnerable places. This post reminds me of a sticky note I wrote recently (can’t post images here, so it said):
      “True strength lies in being OK with allowing what you are OK with allowing.”
      Accepting your “dark side” gives you enormous power. Keep going! :)

      1. Thank you very much, Carli! What a complex but awesome piece of wisdom :) I hope you’re doing well, take care :)

    1. You are quite a beautiful soul! There’s #VictoryInVulnerability! Continue to walk out your destiny and share your story!

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