Lucerne

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Kaja

out of control (day xii)

And then – rage. This stupid suitcase banging against my leg, a future bruise on my thigh. My back hurts. Still so many steps to scale. Halfway there I realise: This anger. Is not about my heavy luggage. The sweat running down my temples. The calluses on my right palm. The narrow stairway. It’s triggered by utter helplessness. I’m facing something too big for me. I’ve been caught up in my comfortable little bubble. Too busy getting my life together. And so...

Gratitude

Switzerland turns white the day before December. I’m in a little cultural center in the middle of nowhere, listen to beautiful live music with eyes closed, forgetting that I’m in a body, drifting away. And I feel immense gratitude. For the safety net around me that I could only dream of years ago. For friends who have experienced me as a bad-tempered party pooper, didn’t judge nor mind, and just stay when I was so afraid of being left. For friends...

On Being Me

Warning: contains nudity (who would have thought I’d ever have to write this – I certainly didn’t). Some self-portraits taken on two different days in the last five weeks. I’m not going to add any words for once because I hope they’ll speak to you in their own way. Feedback is welcome, if you have any thoughts and feelings you’d like to share. Have a lovely week, be kind & take care of yourselves and thank you for being here....

An Autumn Dinner

Here we are, sitting in the small kitchen of my new place. My flatmate and landlady is on holidays in Spain. You’re my first guest. It’s the first time we’re alone since our goodbye three months ago, the goodbye that left so many unanswered questions and moral dilemmas. A lot has happened since then. Everything changed, and I’m not sure where we stand today. You remind me of this Katy Perry song. Hot and cold. One moment close, the next...

disarmed

I’m unpacking and packing my luggage within a couple of hours. Here, there, gone. It’s time to return to Lucerne; the thought of it freaks me out. Meeting everyone again after a long time of absence.. I feel like I can’t do it, I want to be alone and hide while at the same time it’s the loneliness that’s eating me, the fear of realising that the connection is gone, people are okay without me, don’t miss me at all....