friendship

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monika-jia-rui-349

A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

What Counts

I’ve been looking forward to our Christmas edition of our Thursday dinner. In my mind, I saw our usual joyous group cooking a spontaneous christmasy meal while drinking homemade mulled wine. The dining table would be adorned with festive decoration. Every place would get a napkin I bought in Germany in a rush of anticipation two weeks ago, showing cute fat birds wearing Santa hats. Some candles and glittery snowflakes would be scattered in between. Laughter, music, photos, chatter. I knew that not everyone would be able to...

monika-jia-rui-101

We Are Young

Friday night. During our Christmas party in uni I almost drink too much delicious mulled wine because it keeps my hands and heart warm while I’m standing outside, a non-smoker amongst smokers, just wearing my oversized sweater for men, finally not feeling alien anymore. I remember how isolated I felt during our welcome party three months ago, all those people smoking outside and I didn’t belong. But now I’m finally arriving. And I’m growing. A friend and I decided to ascend a floor...

monika-jia-rui-102

Scratches

When I feel like I’m exploding because of all the emotions within me and I just want to forget, I used to have three options: physical pain food alcohol But times have changed. I’ve become oh-so mature and choose the fourth option, photography. In the fading daylight I take my self-portrait in the forest. A nude, the first time I’m doing this without company. I’m horribly disorganized, my remote is at home so I have ten seconds to get from the camera to my spot, thorns...

bathroom breakdown

At times, I’m overcome by a weird feeling that leaves me anxious. My mind gets restless, I can’t focus on anything but the feeling of having to do something, anything, writing creating photographing whatever. Then I’m in a different sphere and even the presence of friends can hardly bring me back. There’s a wedge, and I’m happy about it, because it protects me from this silly feeling of being rejected. Come on, Monika, don’t be stupid, you knew they’d be busy, it’s not that...