friends

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nothing (day ix)

nothing, five years ago. You go out with people, spend hours together. You laugh, talk about things that don’t matter, get drunk and dance through the night. But this time together doesn’t mean anything. It’s all facades, hypocrisies and superficiality. A game that goes against my nature. It’s not about connecting, they don’t care about who I am or what I feel. What it takes to be included: look pretty, wear a smile on your lips, and– don’t be quiet....

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

A Lonely Heart

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends. Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if...

Caro

mirror (day iv)

I wish someone would invent an alternative mirror that doesn’t reflect our outermost layer but rather who we are in the inside. We’re so fixed on how we look that what lies underneath our skin has become secondary. We’re taught that hardly anything matters as much as our appearance. So in our insecurity, we turn towards this polished metal and let it define who we are, how much we’re worth. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?...

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Nomad Heart

Another summer replaced by winter. It’s exhausting. Three months at a place are too long to count as a short vacation but not long enough to form lasting friendships. No matter where I am, I always miss someone. My friends are never united. And I do try to form meaningful connections wherever I am, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I’d like to stay for once, be somewhere and know that I don’t have to leave...