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disarmed

I’m unpacking and packing my luggage within a couple of hours. Here, there, gone. It’s time to return to Lucerne; the thought of it freaks me out. Meeting everyone again after a long time of absence.. I feel like I can’t do it, I want to be alone and hide while at the same time it’s the loneliness that’s eating me, the fear of realising that the connection is gone, people are okay without me, don’t miss me at all....

Satisfaction

Satisfaction is a weird thing, it chokes the necessity to share. Things are fine. Suddenly it’s September (what?!), spring has begun but I’m hopping into autumn soon and I can’t believe I’m about to turn 22. Days pass way too quickly while I do nothing and everything at once. Existing, living and enjoying life. There’s nothing I can complain about– I do what I love, create create create and get to spend lots of time with my love. I’ve even started...

anywhere in the world (day x)

Jamaica, Saudi Arabia, Zambia. I like to look at my stats and see where my readers – you – come from. Algeria, Iraq, Pakistan. There are so many places I’ve never been to and might never visit. Cook Islands, St. Vincent & Grenadines, Jersey. Islands I couldn’t find if you gave me a globe and asked me to point them out. Singapore, my birth place and one of my many homes. I feel strangely connected to the clicks from that place and wonder if...

nothing (day ix)

nothing, five years ago. You go out with people, spend hours together. You laugh, talk about things that don’t matter, get drunk and dance through the night. But this time together doesn’t mean anything. It’s all facades, hypocrisies and superficiality. A game that goes against my nature. It’s not about connecting, they don’t care about who I am or what I feel. What it takes to be included: look pretty, wear a smile on your lips, and– don’t be quiet....

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...