fear

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

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Nomad Heart

Another summer replaced by winter. It’s exhausting. Three months at a place are too long to count as a short vacation but not long enough to form lasting friendships. No matter where I am, I always miss someone. My friends are never united. And I do try to form meaningful connections wherever I am, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I’d like to stay for once, be somewhere and know that I don’t have to leave...

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naked body, naked soul

I look at the photo above and feel physical and emotional closeness. Intimacy. Finally being able to connect on that level fills my heart with so much joy. It’s kinda .. funny how quickly and radically I tend to shut myself off from people when the greatest desire within me, the thing that keeps me going, is to connect with others. But today I find myself where I’ve always wanted to be. For years I’ve longed for people I could share my deepest feelings...

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Mistakes

I have a weak moment. For a second, I allow myself to envision the forbidden scenario. That I’d stay here, come back in autumn and continue living in the place I love with the people I love. It’d be too easy, too lovely. No moving out, no goodbyes, no trying to find a new place to stay. I think of writing an email to the boss of the dorm and asking our neighbor who knows her for help. For a...

The Elephant

I can’t believe how close I came to losing real friends just because my mind convinced me that I was expendable. After a month of avoiding him, I finally talk to C. He deserves the truth. I’ve brushed him off so often, but he didn’t let it prevent him from reaching out again and yet again. Friends like him are gold. Giving him up would be pure stupidity. So we drink beer in a cozy bar and I order a pitcher to make...