emotional

Tag

monika-jia-rui-349

A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

monika-jia-rui-339

aftermath (day vi)

A goodbye. And an almost. An almost that comes with implications that are too vast to grasp. My mind goes blank. Blood rushes into my head, my body goes cold. I’m glad I hardly blush. On the tip of my tongue– What? What did you think?! But I swallow the words, can imagine the reply, can’t bear to hear the truth, not right now. So I turn around, my legs mechanically leading me down the steps to the subjacent floor. One step...

monika-jia-rui-196

Acceptance

“Something’s wrong with you,” she says, a questioning look in her eyes. Really. I laugh, trying to shake it off. “It’s probably the alcohol.” We’ve just drunk a glass of wine and a mojito. Home-made. It’s the first time we drink together. But I’m not convincing enough. “No, it’s something else.” She doesn’t know me that well, how can she be so sure? I thought I’ve found some kind of balance in the last couple of hours. But probably it was just another attempt to escape....

Breaking the Silence

The longer silence lasts, the harder it is to break it. ✕ ✕ ✕ I want to be happy. Celebrate life, dance till dawn, walk around with a big smile, a skip in my stride, the lyrics of my favourite song on my lips. Laugh with my loved ones, have honest late night talks.. it’s been too long. Reality has been different lately. There were way too many dark days. I became an empty shell and couldn’t prevent it from happening. I mourn the wasted days...

Demons

Life has been going on quietly. Days went by without my usual emotional rollercoaster. No state of joy nor of anxiety, just mediocrity. I was tired and busy – but I believed I was fine. Life is bland and less intense this way – without emotions, there’s no impulse to create or write. But it’s better than feeling down, right? ✕ ✕ ✕ I was wrong. I’ve been walking on ice all along while believing I was on a boring but safe path. The ground...