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nothing (day ix)

nothing, five years ago. You go out with people, spend hours together. You laugh, talk about things that don’t matter, get drunk and dance through the night. But this time together doesn’t mean anything. It’s all facades, hypocrisies and superficiality. A game that goes against my nature. It’s not about connecting, they don’t care about who I am or what I feel. What it takes to be included: look pretty, wear a smile on your lips, and– don’t be quiet....

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

A Lonely Heart

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends. Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if...

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naked body, naked soul

I look at the photo above and feel physical and emotional closeness. Intimacy. Finally being able to connect on that level fills my heart with so much joy. It’s kinda .. funny how quickly and radically I tend to shut myself off from people when the greatest desire within me, the thing that keeps me going, is to connect with others. But today I find myself where I’ve always wanted to be. For years I’ve longed for people I could share my deepest feelings...

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Mistakes

I have a weak moment. For a second, I allow myself to envision the forbidden scenario. That I’d stay here, come back in autumn and continue living in the place I love with the people I love. It’d be too easy, too lovely. No moving out, no goodbyes, no trying to find a new place to stay. I think of writing an email to the boss of the dorm and asking our neighbor who knows her for help. For a...