stars (day xi)

2017-10-20

September brings spring to Uruguay, presenting us with sunshine and warmth. It’s my last weekend here. We’re bound for the capital, leaving the town I had to call home for eleven months behind. The place tore my fundaments away, leaving me with both deep scars and the chance to become a stronger and happier person.

That was six years ago. Tonight I stare out of the window of the bus in awe, watching the endless sky first turn into a fiery orange that fades into muted pink and purple tones. This is the last sunset in the Uruguayan countryside I’m going to witness this year. I’ll miss the view, the feeling of boundlessness it gives me. I’m no longer at war with this country.

My heart has healed in the last three months. The fights, conflicting feelings and tinge of despair have gone. My love sits next to me, our fingers entwined. We’re one again. The differences that kept us distant and apart belong to the past, almost everything that had to be said was said.

We admire the landscape for a while, but the steady pace of the bus and unchanging view of vast fields and scattered trees drowse us and we fall asleep. I wake up after a while, there’s too much on my mind. Time’s running and there are still so many things left unsaid. It’s easy to hush up about issues that are difficult to talk about. So comfortable to sweep them under the carpet and hope they’ll disappear when we ignore them long enough. And it’s so hard to voice them, expose them in broad daylight where they feel more real and present. But it’s the only right way to deal with them.

The lights in the bus are off. We’re in the middle of nowhere, invisible, a dark vehicle driving through the night. I stare out of the window, looking for the right words. I’ve been looking for them for months. Then I notice the beauty outside – the star-sprinkled night sky takes my breath away. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the stars so clearly. I take them in, inhale their multitude and magnificence.

They put things into perspective. My heart calms down. The sky’s a perfect hemisphere above us, we’re in a gigantic black snow globe. We matter, but our issues aren’t as important as we perceive them to be. Both horrors and miracles have happened under these stars and yet they have always stayed the same. No matter what happens, life goes on. The thought encourages me.

My love moves besides me, looks at me with sleepy eyes. I gently let him know that I need him awake. ‘There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you.‘ I’m nervous, fumble for words. I’m so much more comfortable with writing than talking. How will he react? I’m beating around the bush. I’m great at that. But at least I’m willing to talk about difficult truths, getting better at being honest – I know so many people who rather stay silent.

The stars. I look at them again, take a deep breath, try to sort my thoughts. This night is perfect in its beauty, things are finally right and now I’m about to share one of the last things that have burdened my heart for so long. I can do this.

I turn to him and carefully start to talk.


Hello, my dears! I hope you’re doing well. As always, a heartfelt thank-you for your loving comments. You are amazing! ❤️ The last couple of weeks were crazy with moving, uni, travels and trying to find my place again. Many things went on at once and I didn’t have time to pause and organise my chaotic thoughts and feelings. This week I finally got back to writing, it feels so good to have some peace of mind again. Some issues that have been troubling me for the last six months finally found a conclusion and I can’t wait to share more with you 😊 Have a lovely weekend in the meantime and take care, hugs from Switzerland ❤️


Model: Lu

25 Comments
    1. I’m wondering what you said. I hope it’s ‘I love you’ or ‘will you marry me’ or something super romantic…

      1. I’m going to share it very soon :D haha, unfortunately it was a rather somber issue. I do love him and let him know regularly, though :) have a lovely week!

        1. You can feel free to let me wonder. You don’t have to say anything – I know it’s personal.
          You have a great week too!

          1. Noo, I don’t like people who tease with information and don’t share it afterwards :P thank you! :)

            1. Slips happen. Personal things can be too painful or private to reveal, and your mind can change. It’s okay! I wouldn’t think badly of you. I like you.

              1. Aw, thank you :) lately I’ve been working on tearing the walls down and sometimes I still need time, but I think ‘too painful’ is not a reason not to share something, at least not for me (not talking about traumatising things!). Take care :)

                1. Still, those things are for when you’re ready to talk about them. They shouldn’t be forced. Thank you…

    1. Hello Monika! I was just thinking about how gorgeous the stars are, and how comforting it is to look at them. I’m glad that you’ve achieved resolution on some troubling issues.

      1. Hey Josh, thank you for taking your time to read & comment even though you’re so busy! :) Yeah, right? The entrance of my new home is in a really dark place so the stars are very visible when I return at night. I always stop to stare at them for a couple of seconds before going in.
        I hope you’re doing well (and that you’ll manage the workload you’re facing without losing your sanity haha)

    1. Your words are always so perfect. Wow. So good to hear from you, Monika and I’m so glad that things are looking up for you. :-)

    1. The sky seems unchanging, yet the universe is always in flux, even some of its smallest parts, like us. Your piece beautifully displays an internal transition. Thank you for this.

Let me know what you think!

%d bloggers like this: