In the last few months, I’ve published a couple of personal posts, never being scared about how much I was revealing about myself. In theory, I knew I was making myself vulnerable, but I never actually felt vulnerable – till now.
I’m going to start my studies next month. We’re a small class, containing just fifteen students. So far, my fellow students were anonymous, so I wasn’t too worried about them. But last week I received some emails from my university and I was able to see the other recipients. Suddenly they had names, and that changed everything.
They are the people I’m going to see almost everyday for the next three years. We’re going to have to get along, and that scares me.
Writing honestly hasn’t been a problem to me so far. First I was in Germany, away from my old environment and judgement. Then I spent another gap year in Switzerland where I didn’t have to spend time with anybody on a regular basis. So when somebody didn’t like me or my writing, it was not a big deal. I didn’t see them anyways.
Now there are those strangers that soon will become familiar to me and my thoughts and feelings are here, just a click from my Facebook profile away. I’m afraid they’d read some posts and judge me before giving me a chance. I don’t know anybody (in Switzerland) who has a blog like mine. The fear of being judged as desperate for attention or pathetic is back.
I have to admit that for a moment, I considered deleting the link to my blog on my Facebook profile. That way, only WordPress followers would be able to find it. I thought about how many links I’d have to delete and how I’d have to ‘hide’ my photography fanpage as well. Tedious.
But then I realised that I don’t want to be a coward. I don’t want to hide who I am, what I feel, what I think. What kind of an example would I be? Preaching that we have to stand up for who we are, be vulnerable and show our true selves and then hide the moment it gets difficult. No.
It’s going to be the biggest challenge my blog has faced so far. I don’t want to lose my authenticity and honesty. But then, when I think of your supportive comments, knowing how much you appreciate my honesty – I’m sure you’re going to help me through this phase :)
About the photos of this shoot: The model is the beautiful Swiss-Kenyan girl Dalma. We met up two months ago, planning an evening shoot with some gorgeous dresses. She got lost on her way and arrived late, so we were a bit in a hurry because of the disappearing light.
When we arrived in the forest, she put her bag down, looked inside it and realised she forgot all her dresses at home :D I think I’ve never been so spontaneous. Luckily Dalma was super cooperative, so I got to take some shots that fit my style. I really love the result, I hope you like the photos too!