Scratches

2016-12-14

monika-jia-rui-102

When I feel like I’m exploding because of all the emotions within me and I just want to forget, I used to have three options:

  1. physical pain
  2. food
  3. alcohol

But times have changed. I’ve become oh-so mature and choose the fourth option, photography. In the fading daylight I take my self-portrait in the forest. A nude, the first time I’m doing this without company. I’m horribly disorganized, my remote is at home so I have ten seconds to get from the camera to my spot, thorns scratching my bare legs.

I’m only a couple of meters beside a path. A jogger passes by without noticing me, then parents with their loud child. However, all good things come in threes. A dad passes by with his little son. I’m squatting behind a bush, wrapped in my big scarf, but they spot my tripod and jacket and slow down, wondering aloud what could be hidden there. I urge them to move on in my mind, but they’ve almost come to a halt, still staring in my direction.

“Excuse me, could you please walk on?”, I ask behind my bush. The dad looks surprised, laughs and moves on with his son. Phew. He probably thought that I was peeing (with the camera aimed at me?!), but whatever :D

My little adventure distracts me. When I return at nightfall, I’m relaxed, the emotions are out. I’m so glad I didn’t have to turn to an unhealthy outlet.

∙•∙

But I rejoiced too quickly. We’re having our weekly dinner party again. Cooking is as fun as always. We improvise a bit, but it ends up delish anyways, and my heart swells when I look at the lovely people gathered here, in my beloved and sacred new home.

I make one of my favourite drinks, daiquiri, surprised it’s not known here since it’s very common in Uruguay, where I got to know it. We don’t have strawberries so I improvise and use frozen cherries and an overripe mango. Everyone loves it and I’m glad; it’s a bittersweet reminder of a dear friend in Uruguay.

∙•∙

After attending a party organized by the informatics students’ association and peeking into a rather lame club, we end up in my favourite club again. No reggaeton tonight, though.

My mood switches again and again, fluctuating between two extremes, unburdened happiness and attention-craving loneliness. It’s been bothering me all day, I guess that alcohol makes us even more thirsty for love. I can’t imagine how my involuntary single friends must feel: to wish there was someone to share everything with, giving and receiving love and attention … but being alone, the loneliness turning black and all-consuming at times.

Yes, there is a precious someone on Earth who’s giving me everything I want and need, but he’s not here, so technically I’m alone, in a relationship without getting the perks of it. I long for attention, but I suppress the desire. My heart is promised to someone.

Two acquaintances I know from last Saturday are with us, dancingcuddlingholdinghands, and I can’t help but dig my fingernails into my arms, trying to get rid of my overwhelming emotions. Jealousy, envy? I’m aware of my face switching from laughter to tension every other minute and I just want to forget about everything. I guess I was running away from some issues – but what are you supposed to do when faced with things that don’t have a solution – but simply wait?

Dance like nobody is watching. That’s what I do, half faking, trying to look like the happiest and most untroubled version of myself. I can almost convince myself, maybe the people around me can be fooled, too.

∙•∙

We’re back at 3.30am. I’m supposed to be in uni at 8.30am. Robin and I talk in the living room till 5am and I still don’t dare to ask really intimate questions, afraid it’s too early. But, even though we’re so tired we’re about to fall asleep, we eat brownies and talk about friendships and other life related things. My emotions finally settle down. I’m so glad he’s abstained from his much-needed sleep in order to talk to me. These frank one-to-one conversations – or, more generally, friendships – are a wonderful cure to ailments of the heart.

Before going to bed, I look into the mirror. My legs bear the marks of the thorns; ironically, my arms end up having similar marks from my nails. I failed myself this time, but I promise myself that I’ll get better at dealing with this.

30 Comments
      1. haha yeah – maybe I sound like that sometimes, but I try not to take myself too seriously ;D I hope you’re having an amazing time in Switzerland and get to enjoy the Christmas markets etc! :)

    1. Enjoy your writing – love how you expose yourself with such emotion (pun intended).

    1. Your entire sight is a feast for the eyes and heart and soul. Bless You! P.S. Please stop by for a visit. ☺

    1. Hi Monika! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I decided to stop by yours too, and I’m glad I did because I love the eloquence of your prose and the beauty of your photographs. I’ll never be able to take photos like that, haha. The way you describe your emotions is also really powerful and raw, and I enjoyed reading this post :)

      1. oh wow, thank you so much for your beautiful words, they made me very happy <3 I'm glad to hear from a fellow Singaporean! :) have a lovely evening and take care x

    1. “Yes, there is a precious someone on Earth who’s giving me everything I want and need, but he’s not here, so technically I’m alone, in a relationship without getting the perks of it. I long for attention, but I suppress the desire.”

      Speaking right to my heart…

      1. oh, veo que sos de Argentina – mi novio es uruguayo, no es muy lejos de ti :D beso grande desde Suiza! <3

    1. This is beautiful and I really know how you feel :) <3 stay strong babe! 👸🏻💪🏼 the best is yet to come

      1. Thank you! <3 Don't worry, I'm good, there are just some occasional lows, but that's part of life :) take care!! x

    1. I love the way you choose to express yourself! Your photography skills are amazing! Cant believe you took that on your own! lol

      1. Thank you very much for your kind comment, it makes me really happy :)) haha yeah, it was quite an adventure :P Happy New Year!

    1. How beautiful that you have found a way to come alive in the midst of restlessness and turmoil. A rebirth, an emergence, fuelled by struggles and desires. You are a gifted writer and artist.
      P.S. I used to do nude modelling when I was in university. I loved it.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comment, it made me very happy! wow, you’re really brave – I’d never have the courage to be naked in front of other people.. maybe one day :D
        have a lovely week! x

    1. Because your writing is so eloquent I assume ursine reference in this sentence is a typo:
      “thorns scratching my bear legs.”
      I’ve looked at several of your self-portraits and in none of them, especially the bare ones, do you have the legs of a bear.

      1. Oops. Thank you very much for pointing it out in a kind and funny way :D have a lovely week and take care, Stan! :)

    1. Thank you for this beautiful post, and your beautiful photo.

      It’s brave to expose yourself in such a way. I’m glad it all worked out.

      Hope you are doing well.

      1. I’ve been doing much better, thank you for your lovely feedback! Take care and have a wonderful week :)

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