nothing (day ix)

2017-08-22

nothing, five years ago.

You go out with people, spend hours together. You laugh, talk about things that don’t matter, get drunk and dance through the night. But this time together doesn’t mean anything. It’s all facades, hypocrisies and superficiality. A game that goes against my nature. It’s not about connecting, they don’t care about who I am or what I feel.

What it takes to be included: look pretty, wear a smile on your lips, and– don’t be quiet. Silence is boring. Be fun.

I’ve never understood the dynamics of the night life. Strangers turn into friends for a couple of hours and I always open up a little bit too much, get a bit too attached. I’ve never been good at pretending, there’s not a night-me and a daylight-me. But the others seem to have to personalities. When the morning starts, the nocturnal magic disappears.

I have to learn that all the laugher and chat doesn’t mean anything and promises are as empty as the beer bottles scattered on the floor. But I’m capable of adapting. Being me didn’t work out, so I start playing this game too. Say things I don’t mean, wear pretty dresses and slather my face with make-up.

It’s all about appearances. I have to be a shell, so I put my fragile soul in a box and bury it deep within me. Someone else takes over. She knows how to fit in. I hate it, I’m afraid of losing myself, but clinging to my ways didn’t get me anywhere. One desperate post after another fills my private blog, always questioning my actions, questioning the person I’m becoming.

What started as a mask feels more and more real the longer I wear it. Is this my new me? The quiet, sensitive girl who cared too much didn’t manage to find any friends, but she is who I want to be. What will be left if I lose her? Who am I going to be? An empty shell. Nothing.

But I’ll gladly pay this price if this is what it takes to survive.

nothing, Today.

time flies and takes people who don’t want to stay. the whirlwind of emotions that both delighted and troubled me a couple of months ago is gone. as if they’ve never been there.

however, there’s still an echo left, i just have to hold still and listen closely. it whispers that things used to be different, that my heart was so full of care and affection it almost burst. and there was an ache, the bittersweet kind, a mixture of gratitude and sorrow.

i hear the memory of a fire so bright it set my soul on fire and scorched me from within. it burned out, though, and a breeze scattered the ashes. no evidence left, was it all in my mind?

no. i cling to shreds of memories, words and pictures, try not to stop caring. i’ve been empty for so long, meaninglessness dictated my life. i want to remember and hold on. having something real and losing it again hurts, but indifference is worse.

i rather ache than have nothing to care about.


Model: Maia ❤️

21 Comments
    1. You, dear lady, are an introvert. Time to change how you socialize and mete out your social energy. Best of luck to you in your travels.

      1. Thank you for your comment, Bart! Luckily this kind of superficial socialising is a thing of the past. I didn’t have any options back then; now I do, and I gladly make use of them. Take care :)

    1. There used to be years when I would go out, party at night, only because my “friends” wanted me to. And then I realized, I never really had a good time, what was the point? And just like that I found strength to say no, to not do things that I didn’t relate with. And it felt so freeing. So much so that today if I so much wear a little lipstick I feel suffocated, so I don’t! And I love it this way. Keep being you <3

      1. I’m glad you found the strength to say no! I’ve also stopped doing it a while ago, it was the situation that forced me into it. Anyways, I also hardly use make-up anymore these days and if I do, it’s because I want to do it for myself. I’m glad you’ve found what works out for you xx

    1. The world doesn’t need more fake socialites: no matter how many friends they have. The world needs more authentic people – people who are bold enough to be themselves. Learn to embrace yourself, Monika, and your people will find you. Nishita’s comment on this post is full of wisdom.

      1. I fully agree with you, Josh! Ever since I’ve left high school three years ago I’ve been learning to be truer to myself. It feels so good to be surrounded by people who actually know and care about me. :)

    1. Is it indifference? OR Are you just different as a result of all you’ve walked through and have stopped pretending now? Is it you’ve found acceptance within? It no longer matters in the same way to ‘play the game’ now.

      1. Thank you for your comment, Kelly! :) I’m not playing the game anymore, luckily. I think it’s indifference towards people that actually matter because it’s what I’ve learnt to do and it’s hard to discard protective mechanisms. But I’m working on it :) xx hugs

        1. Me neither, the game-playing has left the building. ;-) I love that you want to discard the protective mechanisms, most don’t even see them. What a beautiful unfolding your holding yourself in and through. Brave lady <3 Hugs xx

    1. I can definitely connect with your words; powerfully and honestly written piece, Monika.

    1. The best times we’ve had have never been with a big group of people. The best times have always been with smaller, intimate groups of friends with whom we pick up with as if we’ve never been apart. Those people made the larger, more awkward (in my mind) parties much more tolerable. We’ve not been together in a few years because life (kids, activities, families) have gotten in the way, but when we finally get back together, it will be as thought we’ve only missed a few days.

      I love how the realization has come to you, and that your energy is focused in different places now. Keep seeing and feeling and experiencing what you want, not was society dictates to you.

      Thank you for writing this! :)

      1. Hey Darin, thank you for sharing & for your encouragement! :))

        It’s great that you’ve found friends who stay no matter how many years pass by. I’m glad I’ve found some high school friends who stick around no matter how much time and distance separate us and I think I already know which of my rather new uni friends will stay.

        I hope you’re doing well, take care :)

    1. You have such a way with words – it’s both beautiful and painful in its honesty. It is so unbelievably refreshing to read words that are put together like this, so thank you. This post especially resonated with me the most. Your writing inspires a greed of the best kind – I want to take in as many posts as I can and fill myself with your words.
      Thank you for sharing your journey.

      1. Your comment is incredible, thank you very much! 🙈 words like yours keep me going and encourage me to share even though sometimes I’m not sure what the point is 😅 thank you so much for your kindness and take care ❤️

    1. So i read one post and before i knew it I was sitting with a cup of coffee reading my 7th post…amazing! The way you express yourself is beautiful and i hope you have found her! 💋

      1. ohh that’s so cute and encouraging, thank you very much!! ❤️ you just reminded me that I should take more care of my blog :) ‘found her’?
        Have an amazing weekend!! xx

    1. I did have an issue similar to yours earlier but then I realised hey I can be me and just say/do whatever I want on a drunken night and let things be. And if in the morning people came back(more often than not they did) great if they don’t, even better! Because you will always feel lighter. Perhaps it is much easier for guys, especially those who can be both introvert but also extrovert depending on what substance they are on. :)

Let me know what you think!

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