nothing, five years ago.
You go out with people, spend hours together. You laugh, talk about things that don’t matter, get drunk and dance through the night. But this time together doesn’t mean anything. It’s all facades, hypocrisies and superficiality. A game that goes against my nature. It’s not about connecting, they don’t care about who I am or what I feel.
What it takes to be included: look pretty, wear a smile on your lips, and– don’t be quiet. Silence is boring. Be fun.
I’ve never understood the dynamics of the night life. Strangers turn into friends for a couple of hours and I always open up a little bit too much, get a bit too attached. I’ve never been good at pretending, there’s not a night-me and a daylight-me. But the others seem to have to personalities. When the morning starts, the nocturnal magic disappears.
I have to learn that all the laugher and chat doesn’t mean anything and promises are as empty as the beer bottles scattered on the floor. But I’m capable of adapting. Being me didn’t work out, so I start playing this game too. Say things I don’t mean, wear pretty dresses and slather my face with make-up.
It’s all about appearances. I have to be a shell, so I put my fragile soul in a box and bury it deep within me. Someone else takes over. She knows how to fit in. I hate it, I’m afraid of losing myself, but clinging to my ways didn’t get me anywhere. One desperate post after another fills my private blog, always questioning my actions, questioning the person I’m becoming.
What started as a mask feels more and more real the longer I wear it. Is this my new me? The quiet, sensitive girl who cared too much didn’t manage to find any friends, but she is who I want to be. What will be left if I lose her? Who am I going to be? An empty shell. Nothing.
But I’ll gladly pay this price if this is what it takes to survive.
time flies and takes people who don’t want to stay. the whirlwind of emotions that both delighted and troubled me a couple of months ago is gone. as if they’ve never been there.
however, there’s still an echo left, i just have to hold still and listen closely. it whispers that things used to be different, that my heart was so full of care and affection it almost burst. and there was an ache, the bittersweet kind, a mixture of gratitude and sorrow.
i hear the memory of a fire so bright it set my soul on fire and scorched me from within. it burned out, though, and a breeze scattered the ashes. no evidence left, was it all in my mind?
no. i cling to shreds of memories, words and pictures, try not to stop caring. i’ve been empty for so long, meaninglessness dictated my life. i want to remember and hold on. having something real and losing it again hurts, but indifference is worse.
i rather ache than have nothing to care about.
Model: Maia ❤️