Nomad Heart

2017-07-31

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Another summer replaced by winter. It’s exhausting. Three months at a place are too long to count as a short vacation but not long enough to form lasting friendships. No matter where I am, I always miss someone. My friends are never united. And I do try to form meaningful connections wherever I am, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I’d like to stay for once, be somewhere and know that I don’t have to leave again. What’s the point of leaving fleeting footprints everywhere I go? Footprints that disappear as quickly as I. Why is it so hard to find people who stay in my life? Or rather said – why can’t I stay for once? My nomad heart is a curse and sometimes I’m infinitely tired of it.

Nobody understood why I felt so reluctant about leaving Lucerne. You’re being dramatic. Three months are nothing, you’ll be back in no time. But do they know how it feels like to finally find a home, after all those years of roaming around? A home with a date of expiry. Why did it have to be so damn temporary? I found it unexpectedly and was scared of losing it again. I’ve fallen in love with my new life and everything that came with it. It’s become an essential part of me, I didn’t want to live without it anymore. I wanted to stay so bad. And I was afraid it wasn’t based on mutuality, that my absence would leave an irreversible damage. Because some relationships were as fresh and tender as the first buds of spring, not ready for a cold snap. It was too early to leave. I was afraid of killing the delicate blossoms before they had a chance to live.

But distance isn’t just evil. It’s good, too, the ultimate test that shows which relationships are steady. It takes more effort to maintain relationships over a greater distance, so everything half-hearted falls away. I find out who really wants me in their life and who I care about enough to make an effort to keep in mine. It’s scary to face the truth, you never know for sure who’ll stay when the circumstances change. If anyone stays at all. The distance kills all doubt, confronting you with the naked truth. No matter if you’re ready or not. However, I forgot that ugly truths might be harder to swallow but still better than beautiful lies.

It’s been a month and by now it’s become evident who wants me to be a part of their life, no matter where I am. There were certain people I was so damn afraid to lose, I was scared I’d end up caring more about them than they care about me. But that didn’t happen and I’m so, so glad. Lucerne is temporarily lost as a home, I had to ensconce myself in Uruguay, but the beloved humans I care about so much didn’t leave and I’m incredibly grateful things turned out the way they did. Yes, maybe life will separate us at some point, but for now they’re still here. They didn’t disappear once they lost me out of sight. And I’m thankful for this gift, for these people I didn’t know one year ago but wouldn’t trade in for gold today.

Yes, I’m still confused about how much my relationships here in Uruguay actually mean, if it’s wise to get too attached when I’m leaving anyways, if I can form actual friendships in the little time I have here. (Just realised it’s totally possible, I’ve found a very dear friend within three months in Switzerland, too.) But at the end it doesn’t matter. I can question, curse and doubt it as much as I want, my heart can’t help but try to bond with people, open up, share myself and create meaningful connections. Lucerne is gone, for now, Uruguay is what counts, so I’ll give it my all and make it count.

I’ll always be a little bit lost, there’ll always be an aching in my heart – but no matter where I go, I’ll always have people waiting for me to return. And this is a pretty amazing thing to have.

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From my first day in Uruguay five weeks ago. // My body is here, but my mind is miles away. I was such a different person the last time I was here and I don’t know how to deal with the change. It’s scary. 304/365

Hello to all the new readers who’ve recently joined my journey! I’m glad you’re here ❤️ and thank you all, my dears, for your comments. I appreciate them a lot and try to answer them asap! You guys are the best! 😍 big hugs from Montevideo xx

Some music to start your week with inspiration:

17 Comments
    1. It sounds rather scattered and painful to keep moving Monika. Is there a reason you don’t make one place home for a while or your home base? Maybe I’ve lost touch with my nomad heart. :) And I’m sure you will do what is best for you. Happy travels…, Brad

      1. Thanks for your comment, Brad! Sorry for the misunderstanding, I tend not to clarify too much (or anything) in my posts – I’m not really travelling all the time. I’m struggling because I’ve had several “homes” in the last couple of years (due to exchange, school, gap year, uni) and I have a bi-national background which doesn’t make it easier. But of course there are many advantages coming with it, too :)
        Take care!

    1. Thank you for sharing this. I’m at a place in my life where I’m detaching myself from one specific place or for that matter one specific way of life. My heart years the travel, the homes away from home, the anticipation and excitement of doing it all over in a new place. I relate to when you say why can’t people stay in my life – I myself have come to realize the few core people that matter, and the rest who simply are fleeting. Yet I seek for that core to be around me, to find a place where I belong – your blog has given me a little more motivation to tread on this path, with a hope in my heart that my nomad heart will find its way in life.

      1. Thank you for your comment! <3 since when are you in New York and where did you live before? My heart loves traveling too, but I think it's also looking for a safe place to call home now. Just so I know that there's a place I can return to and people that wait for me somewhere. I'm glad my blog serves you as motivation <3

        1. I’ve been in NY For over 3 years now, it’s the only place I’ve wanted to live in until recently. I was in India before this. Now though, I Yearn to travel, live in different countries and culture, and maybe illl stumble upon where it is I really want to be. But I’ve come to realize that travel is important to me. Which is why when I read your stuff and others stories about it, it makes me feel a little more brave to try at least :)

    1. Hi,

      I was recently in a similar situation where I was asking myself – what am I doing with my life? I was supposed to live in Asia for a year. After I got there I realized what is the most important for me – what my highest value, goal, base and motivation is – those are people who are close to me. I realized I cannot walk away from them. If I do, there is no way I will get back in my country again because I will meet a new friends and make strong connection with them as well. So living somewhere for a three months or for a full year, it does come with a consequences. Like you have said, there are always going to be connections independent of geography. I choose to position myself closer to ones I care about because it turned out my life is all about that. And by life, I think of happiness.

    1. I cannot describe how beautiful your mind is! The rawness of everything you express just burst through to the reader. It couldn’t be any more divine!

    1. This is beautifully written and I understand it too. This feeling of ‘is it worth it?’ making new friends and all when you know you have a limited time in that place. But things are always worth trying for. If we don’t push the boat out we will never experience what it’s like feel the ocean. You never know where certain bonds can lead you :) it’s encouraging to know that we face similar situations on a regular basis, and to know that when you do make those strong bonds you have people all over the world (who although may not see you regularly) they will do anything for you.

    1. The people who really matter will always be available (albeit sometimes in different time zones) to offer a caring, listening heart. Email plus a really good international calling plan on your cell phone can help you maintain those connections regardless of the where and when. Also, as you plan your various digital-nomad excursions, you can arrange to meet the good friends in places neither of you has been before (assuming you have such places ;-) ).

      There is nothing wrong with getting attached to a place or to people. The more attachment, the better because then you have a base you can operate from when the nomadic urge strikes; once the walkabout is over, you have somewhere to return and call home. One thing I’ve learned, though, is that if you’re miserable in some place or situation, moving won’t always solve it because you can find yourself miserable in the same way, just in a different place. I don’t know your specific reason(s) for traveling about all the time, but if there’s nothing compelling you to move and you find yourself happy in one place, I’d enjoy that while it lasts, however long that takes. Staying in one place is not necessarily a bad thing.

      Safe and happy travel wishes from an American nomad.

      /b

    1. I love this. I know this feeling all too well.. I find peace and comfort in my belief that people who are meant to stay in my life will stay. Thank you for sharing this beautifully honest piece

      1. Thank you for your lovely words, my dear! That’s true, who’s meant to stay will stay :) Has your adventure started already? x

        1. Thank you for always posting such insightful content! And in a few weeks!! My new URL is astraykat.com

          Take care <3 – Kathleen

    1. Ah yes, the pain of leaving. I formed some powerful friendships during my time in Belize, and when it was time for me to leave I almost felt like crying (almost). It is hard to meet beautiful people, become attached to them, and then have to leave. But that’s life: people come and go. For me, the important thing is to be able to cherish the time we have with our friends – and then still being grateful for that relationship once it’s ended.

      1. Thank you for sharing, Josh! “But that’s life: people come and go.” that makes me so sad haha but I agree, that makes it even more important to be present and appreciate the time we get to share with others. I’m glad you were able to form so powerful connections in Belize :) have a lovely weekend!

    1. Thank you for sharing this. You know, I’m actually on the opposite side of the boat. As someone who’s basically been going home to the same place all his life, I’ve always wanted to roam the world and make friends from all the places I visit, y’know? It seems as though even THAT has its own set of complications. I guess everything in this world has ’em in some way, huh? But yeah, I agree with the comments before me—that genuine friendship will remain in spite of distance and absence. I do hope you feel better about all of this soon. Cheers!

Let me know what you think!

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