Another summer replaced by winter. It’s exhausting. Three months at a place are too long to count as a short vacation but not long enough to form lasting friendships. No matter where I am, I always miss someone. My friends are never united. And I do try to form meaningful connections wherever I am, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I’d like to stay for once, be somewhere and know that I don’t have to leave again. What’s the point of leaving fleeting footprints everywhere I go? Footprints that disappear as quickly as I. Why is it so hard to find people who stay in my life? Or rather said – why can’t I stay for once? My nomad heart is a curse and sometimes I’m infinitely tired of it.
Nobody understood why I felt so reluctant about leaving Lucerne. You’re being dramatic. Three months are nothing, you’ll be back in no time. But do they know how it feels like to finally find a home, after all those years of roaming around? A home with a date of expiry. Why did it have to be so damn temporary? I found it unexpectedly and was scared of losing it again. I’ve fallen in love with my new life and everything that came with it. It’s become an essential part of me, I didn’t want to live without it anymore. I wanted to stay so bad. And I was afraid it wasn’t based on mutuality, that my absence would leave an irreversible damage. Because some relationships were as fresh and tender as the first buds of spring, not ready for a cold snap. It was too early to leave. I was afraid of killing the delicate blossoms before they had a chance to live.
But distance isn’t just evil. It’s good, too, the ultimate test that shows which relationships are steady. It takes more effort to maintain relationships over a greater distance, so everything half-hearted falls away. I find out who really wants me in their life and who I care about enough to make an effort to keep in mine. It’s scary to face the truth, you never know for sure who’ll stay when the circumstances change. If anyone stays at all. The distance kills all doubt, confronting you with the naked truth. No matter if you’re ready or not. However, I forgot that ugly truths might be harder to swallow but still better than beautiful lies.
It’s been a month and by now it’s become evident who wants me to be a part of their life, no matter where I am. There were certain people I was so damn afraid to lose, I was scared I’d end up caring more about them than they care about me. But that didn’t happen and I’m so, so glad. Lucerne is temporarily lost as a home, I had to ensconce myself in Uruguay, but the beloved humans I care about so much didn’t leave and I’m incredibly grateful things turned out the way they did. Yes, maybe life will separate us at some point, but for now they’re still here. They didn’t disappear once they lost me out of sight. And I’m thankful for this gift, for these people I didn’t know one year ago but wouldn’t trade in for gold today.
Yes, I’m still confused about how much my relationships here in Uruguay actually mean, if it’s wise to get too attached when I’m leaving anyways, if I can form actual friendships in the little time I have here. (Just realised it’s totally possible, I’ve found a very dear friend within three months in Switzerland, too.) But at the end it doesn’t matter. I can question, curse and doubt it as much as I want, my heart can’t help but try to bond with people, open up, share myself and create meaningful connections. Lucerne is gone, for now, Uruguay is what counts, so I’ll give it my all and make it count.
I’ll always be a little bit lost, there’ll always be an aching in my heart – but no matter where I go, I’ll always have people waiting for me to return. And this is a pretty amazing thing to have.
Hello to all the new readers who’ve recently joined my journey! I’m glad you’re here ❤️ and thank you all, my dears, for your comments. I appreciate them a lot and try to answer them asap! You guys are the best! 😍 big hugs from Montevideo xx
Some music to start your week with inspiration: