A part of me wants to throw herself into new adventures that promise both happiness and heartbreak while the other part, the one responsible for my heart’s wellbeing, is so damn afraid of the changes that would inevitably come with it. Everything seemed so clear one year ago; I thought I had my life figured out while everyone else freaked out about the future. Now I see what a fool I was. Certainties only exist in our mind. Nothing is clear, everything could change in the blink of an eye. And I better get used to this idea now.
Sometimes I feel like a little girl overestimating her capabilities, throwing around big words and suffering the consequences afterwards. “I want to remember bumps and bruises and grazed knees” and “There’s a fire burning within me and I desire to share it with the world.” Readings those words from one month ago I’m not sure if I want to roll my eyes, throw up or slap myself. I’m an adventurer that sets out with confidence and realises after a few bends and turns that the journey ahead isn’t as easy and fun as she imagined. I forgot that adventures aren’t just bonfires and thrill but come with hunger, thirst and danger, too.
How I’ve let my inner fire burn. It burned bright, too bright, scorching my hands and blinding my eyes. Those bruises I glorified a few weeks ago don’t seem so desirable after all. I left the easy path and found myself on a rocky and traitorous road with more potholes than I imagined. Sometimes, when you’re hurt and struggling, it’s hard to remember the values you held high during stronger moments. I could curse the girl who has led me on this path.
But then I re-read her words, lines full of passion and lust for life, and grudgingly realise that she’s right. She knew it wouldn’t be easy but she’s the lucky one; I have to deal with the consequences of her decisions. But there are no regrets, it’s worth it. Of course. Life has been intense, both the delights and setbacks. And there’s even more trouble coming up. You can’t have sweets without the calories, the good and the bad are irrevocably entangled; but this is what I want. There’s no backing out just because things are getting difficult. And I have to remember this, no matter what happens.
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Thank you, my dears, for your comments full of love and support ❤️ When things get tough I tend to forget why I’m doing all this, sharing and risking and being vulnerable, but your words build me up and help me to stay on the path I’ve chosen. I’m really glad I can connect with you and always appreciate hearing from you; please, always feel free to share your thoughts and stories as well. Hugs from Montevideo x
(PS. I’m sorry I haven’t written in such a long time, it’s really hard to start blogging again after a long break. But I really want to get into the habit again.)