no sweets without calories

2017-07-13

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A part of me wants to throw herself into new adventures that promise both happiness and heartbreak while the other part, the one responsible for my heart’s wellbeing, is so damn afraid of the changes that would inevitably come with it. Everything seemed so clear one year ago; I thought I had my life figured out while everyone else freaked out about the future. Now I see what a fool I was. Certainties only exist in our mind. Nothing is clear, everything could change in the blink of an eye. And I better get used to this idea now.

Sometimes I feel like a little girl overestimating her capabilities, throwing around big words and suffering the consequences afterwards. “I want to remember bumps and bruises and grazed knees” and “There’s a fire burning within me and I desire to share it with the world.” Readings those words from one month ago I’m not sure if I want to roll my eyes, throw up or slap myself. I’m an adventurer that sets out with confidence and realises after a few bends and turns that the journey ahead isn’t as easy and fun as she imagined. I forgot that adventures aren’t just bonfires and thrill but come with hunger, thirst and danger, too.

How I’ve let my inner fire burn. It burned bright, too bright, scorching my hands and blinding my eyes. Those bruises I glorified a few weeks ago don’t seem so desirable after all. I left the easy path and found myself on a rocky and traitorous road with more potholes than I imagined. Sometimes, when you’re hurt and struggling, it’s hard to remember the values you held high during stronger moments. I could curse the girl who has led me on this path.

But then I re-read her words, lines full of passion and lust for life, and grudgingly realise that she’s right. She knew it wouldn’t be easy but she’s the lucky one; I have to deal with the consequences of her decisions. But there are no regrets, it’s worth it. Of course. Life has been intense, both the delights and setbacks. And there’s even more trouble coming up. You can’t have sweets without the calories, the good and the bad are irrevocably entangled; but this is what I want. There’s no backing out just because things are getting difficult. And I have to remember this, no matter what happens.

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Thank you, my dears, for your comments full of love and support ❤️ When things get tough I tend to forget why I’m doing all this, sharing and risking and being vulnerable, but your words build me up and help me to stay on the path I’ve chosen. I’m really glad I can connect with you and always appreciate hearing from you; please, always feel free to share your thoughts and stories as well. Hugs from Montevideo x

(PS. I’m sorry I haven’t written in such a long time, it’s really hard to start blogging again after a long break. But I really want to get into the habit again.)

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sunsets in Uruguay [308/365]

8 Comments
    1. Hello Monika, it’s great to hear from you again!

      To be honest, I sometimes regret not taking the easier path too. I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to settle down and get a “real job,” instead of embarking on a more convoluted and uncertain road. But once we touch the fire it’s hard to avoid wanting to feel it again, isn’t it? I think that you would’ve always regretted taking the easy road: never knowing what could’ve been.

      1. Hey Josh, likewise!! :) Thank you for your comment.

        “But once we touch the fire it’s hard to avoid wanting to feel it again” – a lovely phrase! I totally agree with the ‘what ifs’; they used to torment me, and lately I’ve been finally free of that doubt. The path you’ve chosen for yourself fascinates me and I’m really looking forward to see where it will lead you and what you’ll see and learn on the way. Can’t wait to catch up on your adventures in Belize, I hope you’ve had a smooth return! Take care :)

    1. Monika,

      I never realized that I was doing exactly what you were describing – essentially glorifying all of the pain and suffering I was feeling just by taking the time and effort to express how I was feeling. It’s supposed to be cathartic being able to write it down and put it out there, but there comes a point where you need to put your focus into other feelings. I laughed out loud when you mentioned considering slapping yourself or even throwing up. It just reminded me of how I’ll look back out my writing and notice how ridiculous some of the “big words” are. Despite this, I’m hearing that you don’t regret what you’ve written and I don’t either with mine. It just shows how far we’ve come from that point in our lives. I always look forward to reading your reflections!

    1. So true, we can’t have the good without the bad <3 Hope you are enjoying your perpetual winter in Uruguay :P I can't wait to see the new work you've been doing! (I'm without internet most of my time so I haven't been keeping up with Instagram! I will like all your photos the minute I'm some place with Wifi!)

    1. Reading through your post made me think of one of my favorite movie quotes (and yes, I’m a total nerd :) ) As a reader and a writer, I often romanticize tales of adventure. But even in my own novels, the adventures are always full of hardship. Just hang in there and remember that being true to yourself is the greatest, most important adventure of all.

      ——

      Sam: “It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.”

      Frodo : “What are we holding on to, Sam?”

      Sam : “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

Let me know what you think!

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