My long-distance relationship

2015-05-23

I didn’t think of writing about my long-distance relationship when I started this blog three weeks ago. Then I realized that there are some blogs dedicated to this topic and it felt good knowing there were other people in the same situation as me who were being positive as well. So after asking my boyfriend if he’s okay with it I decided to write about our LDR, hoping that I can connect with my LDR-fellows. :)

We got to know each other during my exchange year in Uruguay 2011/12, almost four years ago. Unlike the majority of the exchange-year-relationships, we didn’t get together back then but only last April, almost two years after the end of my exchange year and my return to Switzerland. Our story is quite complicated and has many bang-your-head-against-a-wall-moments – I’ll share it here soon.

We live around 10,000km apart – I don’t know the exact distance and to be honest, I don’t want to know because it doesn’t matter – and see each other twice a year. The next time in less than four weeks when I’m going to stay in Uruguay for two months.

A long-distance relationships requires a lot of commitment, money, time and effort. I’m a traveler and explorer, but since my boyfriend lives in Uruguay, I “have to” return to the same place over and over again. What makes it worth it?

I haven’t seen him for almost four months so my point of view is different from when I’m with him but for now, I can say that he gives me a lot of reassurance and strength. It’s not about crazy butterflies and seeing everything pink. It’s feeling that I have someone who supports me no matter what choices I make, who accepts and loves me with my flaws and insecurities and having someone with whom I can talk about every crazy thing I have in my mind.

We don’t know in which country we’ll end up in a couple of years but that’s okay. I’m too much of a roamer to have a normal relationship so this is a reason why a LDR is quite practical for me. Then, a LDR shows that it’s not only about the present but also about the future. We wouldn’t be together if we didn’t see a shared future. I don’t care if I sound ridiculous, I can imagine us being married and having kids together one day. Yes, we’ve had our discussions, but have never had a real fight (and it’s so not true that it’s more likely to fight when you’re in a normal relationship). I know it’ll come one day but I think it’s a good sign that it hasn’t happened so far.

Besides, he’s always present. Of course not physically but in my mind, no matter what I do. Maybe it sounds a little bit psycho but this is how I feel and what makes the distance bearable. As long as I don’t spend time with couples who are all over each other (something I’m trying to avoid), I’m okay. No, not just okay, I’m good, knowing that there’s someone who cares for me as much as I care for him. Distance doesn’t matter then.

my boyfriend and I
being crazy, April 2014

44 Comments
    1. Wow, even among LDR, that is on the upper end of the scale.

      1. I know people who handle a similar distance :) but I guess a more usual LDR is within a country (which is complicated enough!).

        Thanks for reading!

    1. Hey Monika, i can relate how you feel exactly! Distance mean so little when someone means so much, let’s be strong and nail this ;) <3

      1. Hey Tiffany! Thank you for your comment :) it’s so good to connect with are others going through the same! we can do it :)) <3

    1. Hi Monika! :)
      Ich bleibe bei meinen Kommentaren lieber bei der deutschen Sprache, damit ich mich auch sicher verständlich ausdrücke… :D
      Toll, dass ihr trotz dieser Distanz eine so starke Beziehung zueinander habt :) und schön zu hören, dass sich ab und zu auch andere in meinem Alter schon eine gemeinsame Zukunft mit Heiraten und Kinder kriegen vorstellen können :D Viele meiner Freundinnen können mich da gar nicht verstehen. Jedenfalls wünsche ich euch alles Liebe und Gute für eure Zukunft. Liebe überwindet alle Entfernungen! :) :)

      1. Hallo Elli! :)
        Danke für deinen Kommentar! Schreib ruhig auf Deutsch, ehrlich gesagt ist das auch meine “Herzsprache”, auf der ich mich am besten ausdrücken kann, allerdings komme ich damit nicht an das Publikum, das ich gerne erreichen würde :D
        Oh schön, dass du dir das auch vorstellen kannst! Du bist also auch in einer Beziehung? Seid ihr schon länger zusammen? :) Ich konnte mir das nämlich so ziemlich sofort vorstellen und wurde (und werde?) dafür etwas belächelt, haha.
        Danke, wünsche ich euch auch!! :))

        1. OK, ja stimmt, das verstehe ich. :)
          Ja wir sind tatsächlich schon seit über 4 Jahren zusammen. Es gab zwar auch mal “schwierige” Zeiten, aber wenn man die überwindet, macht es die Liebe nur stärker. :) Und ich kann es mir so schön vorstellen, später mal mit ihm ein kleines Häuschen an einem schönen Ort und vielleicht ein, zwei Kinder zu haben… Kitschig, oder? :D Dafür wurde ich auch schon oft genug belächelt :D
          Ich kenne einige Mädels, die wären am liebsten für immer 18 geblieben, nach dem Motto: “Danach gehts sowieso nur noch bergab.”. Mir gehts da nicht so, ich freue mich, auf das was noch kommt. :)

          Liebe Grüße :)

          1. *Herzsprache, IN der.. (glaube ich. peinlich, vielleicht liegt mir die deutsche Sprache doch nicht so gut, haha)
            wow, wie schön! :) Wenn ich mal Beziehungstipps brauche, wirst du von mir hören haha
            Ich finde das überhaupt nicht kitschig, das klingt so richtig toll, warum denn nicht :) ich kann mich nicht entscheiden zwischen kleines Häuschen wie du es beschreibst und alternatives Leben auf Reisen und mit homeschooling. Mal sehen, was die Zukunft bringt (und was mein Freund will) :D
            Ich freue mich auch auf das, was die Zukunft noch bereit hält! Also manchmal wünsche ich mir wieder zwei Jahre jünger zu sein und die damalige Unverantwortlichkeit besser zu geniessen, aber naja, nur um das so richtig ausgelebt zu haben, ansonsten freue ich mich aufs Kinder grossziehen :D

            Alles Liebe! :)

            1. Achja, stimmt, wäre mir aber nicht mal aufgefallen haha :D
              Ja hört sich beides nicht schlecht an! Da findet ihr dann bestimmt eine Lösung, die wunderbar für euch passt :)
              Ja, da hast du auch wieder Recht. Sich nochmal über nichts (wirklich wichtiges) Sorgen machen zu müssen, wäre schon schön :D Trotzdem, ich freue mich auch auf das, was noch kommt :D :)

              Liebe Grüße :)

              1. Am Ende wird es sicherlich was ganz Anderes. :D wünscht sich dein Freund auch ein Häuschen mit zwei Kindern? :)
                Da bin ich definitiv deiner Meinung!
                Ist übrigens schön, auch solche Dinge über dich zu erfahren (also Dinge, die nichts mit Umwelt usw. zu tun haben) :)
                ah und übrigens bin ich auf dem besten Weg einfach zu essen und mir keine Sorgen über meine Figur zu machen! :)

        1. Wenn das Dein Traum ist – Haus und Kinder – dann bleib dabei!

          Was den Rest angeht, halte ich es mit Coco Chanel: Ganz tief in ihrem Herzen bleibt jede Frau 17! ;-)

    1. I did this from the UK with a lovely girl in Australia for 4 years. I moved down here eventually once I had packed up my old life and obtained the right visas (omg, that was a pain) and 7 years on, we’ve been married for almost 5 years and those LDR pains seem like a lifetime ago! Best of luck!

      1. Thank you for sharing your story – I’m happy you could close the distance and finally live together and reading about it makes me feel more hopeful :) I hope I’ll be able to write the same one day!
        I love your blog btw :)

        1. For me it was patience, communication and first having, then executing a plan to close the distance. Drifting with no plan as to how to be together properly (even if the date and place is not yet really set) is not a good thing. Have the hard conversations about the stuff that matters – if you can survive those when you’re apart, being together will be easy. I can see from reading your blog that you have good foundations in place – keep building!!

          And thank you – I like yours too!

          1. Thank you for your advice! The concrete plan part is difficult for us because we have no idea where we’ll end up in a couple of years, I don’t even know where I’ll be next year :/
            What do you mean with “stuff that matters”?
            Thank you! :)

            1. What I mean about stuff that matters – things like money, jobs, the future, who will move to live with who – etc – the things that reality requires us to address so you both can have something to aim for – the things that a lot of couples find it hard to talk about even when they are living together.

              I guess one difference is I am quite a bit older than you guys, and have more things I have to plan around – you’re still young and free and many of the issues I had to think about and a lot of the factors in my life won’t apply to you!

              So make the most of that freedom and I look forward to seeing photos of your next adventures together :)

              1. What also is very important IMO is, that both partners share the same core convictions. So, outlooks on life that touch you deeply and which you would never change because it would mean giving up some part of yourself should be shared by the partner and vice versa.

                It does not matter if you squabble about screwing the toothpaste tight or not after use. Things like that can be negotiated.

                1. That’s so true and also crucial for “normal” relationships! Great that you mentioned it. I think there’s nothing worse with getting together with someone and realizing after a while that you don’t have the same core convictions.. a lesson I learned haha.

                  So you are or were in a LDR too? :)

                  1. No, not really a LDR, 200 km for 9 months, then I moved to the same town where he lived.

                    9 months later he cheated on me – duh. Turned out to be good in the end because otherwise I probably would not have met my husband :-) .

                    But that thing about core convictions is something that is all too often forgotten and not addressed. No matter if LDR or living together. Sadly, we learn so much today but usually not how to make a relationship work. If you are lucky and can model yours on the relationship of your parents, fine, but those of us who come from not-working families either never make it or have a very hard time of learning.

                    1. Well, 200km are pretty inconvenient too!
                      Oh, that sucks. I’m glad something positive came from that though :) I didn’t know you were married (I somehow assumed you’re only slightly older than me), that’s great! :) for how long? and are you still in your 20s?

                      Yeah and I guess that those in-between-things (not a relationship but more than friends) that have become very common don’t help. What you write sounds very gloomy though, I do hope it’s not as hopeless as it sounds.. I mean, there must be something that can break this vicious circle?

                      1. Depends how you rate “slightly older” ;-)

                        My identity card claims, I am 49. I claim, my identity card is a lier. Thank you for the compliment that I do not sound that old :-) . I strongly subscribe to the belief that there is biological age and emotional and mental age. All those can vary widely in the same person. So I try to keep emotionally young with a fresh outlook on life.

                        About that gloomy emotional family backpack – took me years to sort that out and negotiating my way of dealing with it. And yes, one can break that vicious circle. It is just that in the course of that I have seen a lot of people who come from families that are kind of moderately dysfunctional and how it hampers them.

                        It ist just, if there were more awareness of how relationships work (love and all the rest) a lot of people could have much easier lives. As it is, everyone has to find out all the stuff on ones own.

                      1. Oh! I didn’t expect that :D I really thought you were half your age – not because you sound immature but because your fresh outlook on life shine through your comments :) I agree with your belief! My mum’s mental age is also much younger than her biological age :D I want to be like you too when I’m older :)

                        oh, great that you accomplished that! Yeah I’ve been working with young women coming from very dysfunctional families and they live in an entirely different world than me.. I think you are right about the awareness. But where can it come from so it reaches those who need it most?

                      1. It would probably need a very drastic change in priorities in society to get that awareness and reach all those kids from dysfunctional families – and all those who are already grown up and come from such a background.

                        But maybe, some course about communication mechanisms in school? Could be a start for better relationships everywhere.

                        Most people probably do not even realize that things can be better. I bet those kids you mentioned find their dysfunctional families perfectly normal because they do not know better :-( . It is hard to go looking for something (like good relationships) when you cannot even imagine they exist!

                      1. I guess the “Jugendamt” intends to do that but unfortunately its means isn’t always the best and the people concerned rather feel bothered than helped at times. Or do you mean something different?

                        The school idea is great! We need more real-life-related subjects. I’m afraid the people coming from dysfunctional families normally don’t bother to go to school regularly though :/

                        hm, not all. But we had a woman coming from the Asternweg in Kaiserslautern (you might have heard of it, it’s infamous) and she always compared herself to people who were worse off and didn’t understand why she had to be at the shared house. But I think (thanks to the work of the team) she’s gradually seeing that her relationships really endangers her child and that some people can’t be changed and that she deserves better. It’s a really tough process though to get out of your old surroundings. :/

                      1. Yes, the Jugendamt is involved in such cases but sadly they are understaffed and just can hopefully prevent the worst.

                        Actually I was more thinking of those families who are superficially functioning and look “normal” from the outside but beneath they are kind of dysfunctional as well. Not directly life- or health-threatening, but not emotionally supportive either. And just like the woman you mentioned, they find all that perfectly “normal” because they do not know better.

                        To change that? Awareness of the fact. And then it comes down to a hen and egg problem – what comes first? Do we need more awareness in a broad part of society of that fact to change it or do we start to change it in the hopes that awareness will spread?

                      1. Oh, I get what you mean. I guess those families are quite common and it’s probably really difficult to show them that they could live differently since it’s rather subtile.

                        I’d think it makes more sense to spread the awareness since it’s hard to change something when people don’t realize that there is something that has to be changed.

                        A very interesting topic, thank you for the discussion!

              1. Oh, I see! We have talked vaguely about those topics (since there isn’t a lot to talk about yet apart from the payment of the trips and in which continent we want to live) so I think we’ll be okay. I’m happy we had no problems talking about it so far, I didn’t realise it was something some ‘normal’ couples struggle with!

                I think it’s great that you were able to make it work even though you had much more responsibilities than us now! Couples like you are very inspiring :) you didn’t write about your story by chance?

                I checked out your wife’s “about me” page and she seems very likeable! Now I’m even happier for the two of you :))

                I’m afraid there’ll first be some travels without him for now but I can’t wait to travel with him again :)

    1. Good for you, Monika. Every relationship takes commitment and courage and patience. Your relationship just has to have a little bit extra of each of those things, that’s all. Good luck to you both I say :)

      1. Thank you for your kind words, Annie! :) I think you’re right. Have a beautiful day :)

    1. Gosh, your LDR is so similar to mine!!! And we didn’t get together during our exchange program but months later! I’m loving this blog!!!
      Hugs ;)

      1. aww thank you! :)) haha I thought we were the only ‘incompetent’ ones who didn’t “make it” in time (I hope you get what I mean!) but it’s funny to know that there are others too :D
        I love your blog too, especially now that I know we have more similarities than I thought :))

    1. I’m also in a LDR and it’s so nice to know that there are others experiencing similar things too! All the best and keep going – definitely worth every mile!:)

      1. Thank you for your comment! Where does your partner live? I hope you can see each other soon! <3 all the best to you too!

        1. He is a pilot so he is constantly travelling, but their home-base is on a farm in literally the middle of nowhere! Thankfully we’re in the same country, so I have a lot to be grateful for :) Thanks again for sharing your journey with us! X

          1. wow, that’s unusual! The farm in the middle of nowhere sounds very idyllic, haha.
            I hope you can join him in his travels one day! :) I’d be happy to read more about your LDR on your blog!

            1. He is lucky to be able to call such a beautiful place home :) I’d love to join him one day! Thanks for inspiring me to share our LDR, and for all of your kind words – will definitely be posting about it sometime soon! XX

              1. You’re most welcome – thank you for commenting here in the first place! I’m looking forward to reading your post! :)) xox

    1. Thanks for liking my article, and I know exactly why. Although my niche is in all types of communication and relationship between lovers, you have a more focused one with LDR, seeing as you are a success story.

      If you ever consider having a guest post from me, feel free to let me know in the response, Monika.

      Cheers.

      1. Hi Hairo! Yes, I think your article was very interesting even though my relationship doesn’t apply to it.
        I’m currently restructuring my blog but I’ll definitely let you know if it matches my blog! Do you have any LDR experience?
        best regards!

              1. wow, that’s great! Do you see each other often? Are you planning to move together soon? And cool that you’re from NY! :D

Let me know what you think!

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