Mistakes

2017-06-03

monika-jia-rui-276

I have a weak moment. For a second, I allow myself to envision the forbidden scenario. That I’d stay here, come back in autumn and continue living in the place I love with the people I love. It’d be too easy, too lovely. No moving out, no goodbyes, no trying to find a new place to stay. I think of writing an email to the boss of the dorm and asking our neighbor who knows her for help.

For a second, I give in to temptation and imagine it’s possible to take back my decision and return to this perfect place. Then I check the status of my room and it’s already reserved for the next one. Bang. Reality slaps hard and I totally deserve the blow.

When I decided to move out one month ago, Sarah warned me to think it through. You’ll regret it. Vera made the sweetest propositions in an attempt to convince me to stay. I felt their care. But it wasn’t enough. Maybe I unconsciously hoped for more resistance. For someone to call me out on my irrationality. But I hid the real reasons too well.

My mind is unstoppable when it’s on destruction-mode. It jumps to irrational conclusions and doesn’t care about what gets broken in the process. Maybe because it prefers to destroy rather than helplessly watch destruction. So it got a firework of debris. But it’s a child that doesn’t know better – it’s doing the worst things with the best intentions. So I can’t blame it.

Anyways, it’s too late, the bridges are burnt. But this is the last time. It required a painful sacrifice, but I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m not going to run away anymore. I’m not going to give in to fear again. People won’t leave me, I’m neither expendable nor not good enough. There is a place for me in this world and life doesn’t work according to the principle you either leave people or people leave you.

A bitter hint of regret creeps into my heart. I guess I’ve made a mistake. Knowing the things I know now, feeling the way I feel, I’d decide otherwise. I’d stay. But one month ago, I was hopelessly lost and confused. And I can’t hate the me from back then for trying to protect herself.

Maybe it seems like a bad choice in hindsight, but at that point it was the only thing that made sense. And really, I think I wouldn’t appreciate things as much as I do right now if I had decided to stay. Now I do everything more intensely – love, hug, feel, laugh. I love the person I’ve been in the last few weeks. And I’m glad I’m able to admit a mistake like this without showering myself with self-hate. I’ve come a long way.

Fear has been in control for too long. Love is in charge now.

27 Comments
    1. Beautifully written. I can relate in so many ways as I am also on a journey of not giving into fear and self love.

    1. I have a song I wrote called People Always Leave (But Maybe They Come Back). So this was startlingly relatable. I need to read more of your blog. Keep writing.

        1. I tried to find the song on your blog – is it online? I’d love to check it out :)

    1. FANTASTIC! That feeling your describing, making a decision because it’s the only option you see and then regretting it, that’s so familiar to me. I just went through that in such a big way and through it I learned so much about myself. This post absolutely spoke all the things I’ve been feeling. I’ve learned from that regret and in the time since I’ve been becoming someone I’m happy being. Thank you so much for sharing. When you wrote that last line… I’m so happy for you that you feel that way. Love is in charge now.

      1. It’s great to hear from you again, Jessalyn! <3 I'm so glad you could learn from that decision and have become someone you're happy with! :) Thank you very much for your kind comment, I wish you all the best – take care! xx

        1. I can’t believe you still remember me!!! I’m so happy that you have been doing so awesomely!

    1. You perfectly explain how easy it is to fall into the trap of old habits, and then beat ourselves up over them. The best we can ever do is to learn from them by recognizing them. I want to run away from my problems too, often retreating into quick emotional release, over indulgence in spending, and secluding myself, rather than deal; I immediately feel remorse over my decisions, and lose the happiness I had found by not confronting the problem. I still do. It’s been a long road in staying in the moment, regardless of the pain and embarrassment, but each time I actively engage in escapist behavior I take another step closer to being happy with who I am.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Carl! :) You seem to be very reflective, that’s great! I’m glad you’re working on changing your behavior patterns. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s good to know that others are dealing with similar issues as well. I hope you’re doing well, take care :)

    1. I love your blogs 😄 I also like the design, if its okay please tell me what is your theme 😘 thank you.

    1. Monica. There’s no need to keep moving when there’s a God who loves you where ever and whatever. Jesus died for all of our mistakes. Acknowledging them brings freedom and new life. It’s available to everybody. Check out faith further in ‘What If I Go?’ where the protagonist, Grace, thinks money, jobs and status as a girlfriend will make her whole. In the end she is disappointed but finds herself through her faith. If you’d like a free novel Arc PDF just get back to me.

    1. I tend to believe that there are no permanent mistakes. Everything that happens to us is a learning experience. Each step we take, good or “bad,” is leading us somewhere. The decision you made might be a doorway to a new phase of life, new lessons to be learned. Sometimes the labels we put on our decisions are just a matter of perception, and we later realize they brought us exactly where we needed to be.

    1. You have to trust that the you that made that decision maybe had good reason that will become apparent in time. I am so pleased that you can examine this and not allow self-hate or recrimination for the you who made that decision. I hope that it will become clear why your heart spoke in the way that it did at that time. I look forward to find out :)

      1. Thank you for your encouragement, I appreciate it a lot! :) I do understand the reasons (that were rather irrational and fear-driven) my me from back then had and I forgive her because I know she was scared and didn’t know better. Now I’m trying to make the best out of it. I do believe everything will work out somehow :) I hope you’re fine, take care! x

    1. This line resonated: “There is a place for me in this world and life doesn’t work according to the principle you either leave people or people leave you.” Nice work. Sincere and meaningful.

    1. This is amazing. I can totally relate this. I’m still learning how to live myself and not beat myself up for the mistakes I’ve made. I guess the fear of making a mistake makes one afraid of change. Thank you for inspiring to find myself once again. Keep writing. I love your blog.

      1. Thank you for your lovely & encouraging words and sharing your thoughts! <3 I hope you're doing well on your journey, all the best to you xx

    1. Lovely. Thank you for sharing, I look forward to reading more. David Whyte also has much to say about regret and our apprenticeship to loss. A quote from his Readers Circle Essays “To regret fully is to appreciate how high the stakes are in even the average human life; fully experienced, regret turns our eyes, attentive and alert to a future possibly lived better than our past.

    1. We all do what we have to in order to survive at any given time in our life! What is important is what we do from here on out. Be the best you can be and you will succeed and go far!
      Dwight

    1. This is beautiful. I agree that it’s an older entry, but it’s the one I clicked on. It’s only a mistake if you don’t learn from it. Self-worth is a tricky thing, and I’m glad you’re figuring it out. We all are a work in progress, even the Dalai Lama.

      Your last line is the best. Fear has been in control for too long. Love is now in control.

Let me know what you think!

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