I have a weak moment. For a second, I allow myself to envision the forbidden scenario. That I’d stay here, come back in autumn and continue living in the place I love with the people I love. It’d be too easy, too lovely. No moving out, no goodbyes, no trying to find a new place to stay. I think of writing an email to the boss of the dorm and asking our neighbor who knows her for help.
For a second, I give in to temptation and imagine it’s possible to take back my decision and return to this perfect place. Then I check the status of my room and it’s already reserved for the next one. Bang. Reality slaps hard and I totally deserve the blow.
When I decided to move out one month ago, Sarah warned me to think it through. You’ll regret it. Vera made the sweetest propositions in an attempt to convince me to stay. I felt their care. But it wasn’t enough. Maybe I unconsciously hoped for more resistance. For someone to call me out on my irrationality. But I hid the real reasons too well.
My mind is unstoppable when it’s on destruction-mode. It jumps to irrational conclusions and doesn’t care about what gets broken in the process. Maybe because it prefers to destroy rather than helplessly watch destruction. So it got a firework of debris. But it’s a child that doesn’t know better – it’s doing the worst things with the best intentions. So I can’t blame it.
Anyways, it’s too late, the bridges are burnt. But this is the last time. It required a painful sacrifice, but I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m not going to run away anymore. I’m not going to give in to fear again. People won’t leave me, I’m neither expendable nor not good enough. There is a place for me in this world and life doesn’t work according to the principle you either leave people or people leave you.
A bitter hint of regret creeps into my heart. I guess I’ve made a mistake. Knowing the things I know now, feeling the way I feel, I’d decide otherwise. I’d stay. But one month ago, I was hopelessly lost and confused. And I can’t hate the me from back then for trying to protect herself.
Maybe it seems like a bad choice in hindsight, but at that point it was the only thing that made sense. And really, I think I wouldn’t appreciate things as much as I do right now if I had decided to stay. Now I do everything more intensely – love, hug, feel, laugh. I love the person I’ve been in the last few weeks. And I’m glad I’m able to admit a mistake like this without showering myself with self-hate. I’ve come a long way.
Fear has been in control for too long. Love is in charge now.