Lost in Chaos

2015-06-08

I should be packing. Instead, I’m trying to neither panic nor become apathetic and useless.

Luckily I suddenly had the idea to capture my current state of mind to sort out my feelings, since doing something creative has always been the hero of the day.

Here’s the result:

A spontaneous idea - how I feel (but don't worry, I don't really sit around like that. at least not yet)
LOST IN CHAOS

Kinda dramatic, right? Don’t worry, I’m not sitting around staring into space like that (yet, haha). And I know it’s not a great shot, but this is my first attempt to capture a feeling and it was done within two minutes so yeah. I hope it transmits my anxiousness and the feeling of being overwhelmed anyway. What do you think?

I rip out my tender roots over and over again. Switzerland, Uruguay, Germany.. It hurts and is confusing but I just can’t take staying at a place for a long time. At least I can classify those feelings now – I guess it’s a third culture kid thing. To all my TCK readers: Have you felt the same? A restlessness that wears you down but you can’t resist it anyway?

Anyways, today I hit the 100 followers mark and I want to thank you again! I can’t believe I’ve started my blog only five weeks ago, it feels like months.

Thank you for your support and comments, I’ll surely answer them as soon as this mess is sorted out! I really appreciate them and you can’t imagine what your words mean to me :)

Take good care of yourselves, you wonderful people!

26 Comments
    1. Hey, Monika! When I first saw the picture, it immediately caught my attention. It’s a very interesting photo! I love that you have books behind you. :D I hope you get to sort everything out soon! <3

      1. Thank you for your comment, Diana :) I was pretty insecure about posting this and was relieved when I got positive feedback!
        haha yeah I loved to read but unfortunately have been neglecting this hobby for quite a while now. Do enjoy reading?

        I’m better at the moment, chilling in our garden in Switzerland after all the stress :D

        1. I think there’s nothing for you to be insecure about. The positive feedback you got is a proof! I wish to see more like this from you! :)

          Yes, I do! I love reading…which is why I studied Literature in college. What is your favorite book genre? I enjoy reading Historical fiction and sci-fi. :D

          I am jealous! Switzerland is a beautiful and peaceful place! I wish I lived there! But anyway, I am so happy you’re just chilling there now! Have fun! <3

          1. Aw thank you! You’re right, I was surprised by the resonance I got. I’ll think of being more personal here but it’s kinda hard since people who know me know this blog and can find it easily so yeah :D do you have readers you know personally? if you do, only close friends or also acquaintances?

            I feel bad talking about book genres since I really haven’t been reading at all lately. I used to love fantasy (high fantasy and urban fantasy) and also read some historical fiction and contemporary stuff :) I think I haven’t read any sci-fi novels yet haha. Do you have a favourite novel?

            Now I’m more stressing over packing and getting my things before my flight tomorrow haha. But you live in a beautiful place too! :) Are you sure you’d prefer living in Switzerland over the Philippines? And Switzerland is kinda too perfect. Very rich, clean, everything is going well.. not the “real life” somehow.

            <3

            1. I have a College friend who knows my blog, and she also has her own blog so we visit each other’s blog and read each other’s posts all the time. However, I don’t think my closest friends and family members really know my blog. Sometimes I share my posts on Facebook or Twitter, so maybe they see them but they are just not telling me. My boyfriend knows I blog, but he doesn’t know what is is about and what my blog is called. What about you?

              I have lots of favorite novels, but my favorite genres are diverse, and sometimes I keep changing favorites. :D I have a favorite Historical Fiction author tho, her name is Lisa See and I love her “Shanghai Girls” and ” Snowflower and the Secret Fan” books.

              I can’t choose between home and another beautiful place like Switzerland, but I would love to go there one day. I hope you have a safe flight today! Enjoy your vacay! <3

              1. Oh, that’s cool :)) hm, maybe you can check if you’ve got many visitors from the Philippines or people who get to your blog via Facebook? I think it’s very courageous of you to post something like your two last posts (which I’m definitely going to comment soon) knowing that people you know might read it. Do you keep your blog secret from him or would it be okay for you to share it with him?
                Some friends read my blog but the general interest of people I know personally is rather small. My boyfriend reads some posts if he has time :)

                I’ll check out your favourite novels by your favourite author :)

                I hope you can visit Switzerland one day! What are your plans with your boyfriend? Do you already know who would move where?

                Thank you <3

                1. I keep my blog a secret as much as I want to, but my friend who knows my blog basically knows everything since I tell her about it first. Sometimes I share what I write with my boyfriend but instead of giving him the link, I just copy-paste and send it to him. The last two posts I have written are actually for a former friend.

                  It’s also nice when your boyfriend reads your blog, isn’t it? I am glad your boyfriend does.

                  What is your favorite novel btw? I also hope I can visit Switzerland someday! As much as my boyfriend wants to move here, we both think it would be a lot better if I move to his place instead. What about you and your boyfriend?

                  Thank you so much for taking some time to read my replies and to respond as well, Monika! Much appreciated! :* <3

                  1. Well I guess he reads as much as your boyfriend does but yeah, I’m glad I finally have a blog in a language he understands haha.
                    What does your boyfriend think about what you send him? :) And does he think you’re sending him diary entries?

                    phew I don’t have a favourite novel haha. One of my favourites is “The Book Thief” written by Markus Zusak, maybe you’ve watched the movie? So heartbreaking.

                    Well, living in Hawaii sounds wonderful to me! Is it okay for you to live the Philippines?

                    We’re not sure about the country yet but we guess we’re going to settle in Europe.

                    Thank YOU for your time, Diana :)) <3 I really enjoy writing with you!

                    1. Yeah! I remember, the first time I visited your blog, it was like in German or something! Haha! It is nice to hear he reads your blog. I once sent my boyfriend the link to my blog, but he asked for me to copy paste my article instead. Haha! Before I was a part of an LDR Blogging community, I wasn’t into writing diary entries. I was into writing feature articles about love and relationship in general. I like to be sentimental and I oftentimes romanticize so many things. If you visit The Fickle Heartbeat, you might have seen a few of my articles or stories there.

                      Oh, I have heard of that but I haven’t read it or watched the film yet. I am sure it is a really good novel tho based on my friends’ stories about it. I’ll try to have a copy one of these days.

                      It is okay for me to leave the Philippines as long as I would be with my love. :) It would also be okay since my best friend would still be living close to us since they are step-siblings. And my mom would also be moving to New Jersey by that time, I think. Hopefully. My fingers are tightly crossed. :)

                      I think Europe is also a beautiful place to live in! I know it sounds difficult to live in different places since you’re gonna be moving a lot, but I wish you would live in every country in Europe! Haha! I vote for Iceland and Ireland! :P

                      Thank you for your time, too, Monika! I love writing with you as much as you do! I’m having lots of fun getting to know you! I hope you won’t get tired! <3

                      1. haha really? Maybe it was my first WP blog I abandoned in favor of this one, haha.
                        hmm I can imagine that copy paste a text can make it more appealing to read for people who aren’t used to reading blogs!
                        It’s so cool you’re part of the LDR blogging community :) and I love your posts :)) hmm I’ve come across The Fickle Heartbeat but lost sight of it :/ and I also like to be sentimental and also dramatic at times but have to cut that down since people I know read this blog :P

                        oh you definitely have to read it! Tell me what you think of it when you do :) so you read a lot?

                        Does your best friend live in Hawaii? And you’re not moving to New Jersey, are you? I read it in your profile so I got a bit confused haha.

                        haha why Iceland or Ireland? I actually love the cold but I’d prefer living in Italy or something like that because I think the landscape is beautiful there and I have a soft spot for everything that’s related to Italy. I call my boyfriend “italiano” to tease him since he looks like an Italian and has got the Italian citizenship even though he’s never been there and doesn’t speak the language haha.

                        Same here, I enjoy getting to know you! :) we could add each other in FB if you like so we can have conversations not everyone can read haha

                      1. Yeah…I think it was your first blog! Haha. And yes, it’s nice to be a part of a specific community. I learn a lot from other people and I get to share with them too. Are you into joining communities too? Would you like to join us? I hope you would!

                        Oh I get that. I used to blog more on Tumblr before but I stopped too because too many people I know and who know me see it and I get a bit too expressive there all the time. :D

                        I will definitely read your favorite book. I’ll let you know one of these days when I get a copy. Hihi. Yes, I read a lot too.

                        My best friend currently lives in HK but will also be moving to Hawaii soon. The plan is…I will move to NJ with my mom first then, after some time, if we decide to close the distance, I’ll move to Hawaii. Sorry I got you confused. Hehe.

                        I like Ireland and Iceland because they both look so peaceful and isolated. It’s like you are in a different place when you are there. I haven’t been there but I have seen movies set there and some photos as well. Their landscapes are also beautiful. And I like the weather there. I have lived in a place where it’s either constantly sunny or rainy. It would be nice to be in a different place as well. Plus…there are no snakes in Ireland! Haha! I have a phobia with snakes.

                        Italy is also beautiful! Everything is beautiful in Italy. 😍😍😍 oh! Is your boyfriend half Italian or something? How did he get a citizenship? That is soooo cool!

                        I’ll add you on Facebook! What is your name there?

                      1. I didn’t know about communities until I heard of the LDR community haha it would be really cool to join but I guess I have to write regularly about my LDR, right? :/ I don’t think I could join now haha

                        haha I totally understand what happened to you with tumblr! Anyway I want to find a good balance between openness and cautiousness. I think I’m still quite closed but only openness allows people to connect.

                        When are you going to move to NJ? You’re also quite a nomad! :D gosh living in Hawaii sounds soooooo amazing! :))

                        From the photos I’ve seen Iceland really looks beautiful and isolated haha. I hope you can go there one day, maybe with your boyfriend :) Do you like rather cold weather? haha are there a lot of Snakes in the Philippines?

                        He’s great grandfather was Italian (or something like that) – I don’t know, it’s so weird, many Uruguayans have an European citizenship because of some ancestor a long time ago. But it comes really handy so we don’t have any visa problems! :)

    1. That looks a lot like me when packing for Brazil. I think I understand you – I spend some months in Italy, then a couple of months in Brazil, in the meanwhile I try to visit new places when money comes out, and I SO want to go to India… Sometimes it makes me feel homeless – and my panic disorder doesn’t help at all. Actually, my panic disorder even tried to stop me from this life, but… I can’t resist it! What can I do except for embracing it? :)
      I’m with you, hugs!

      1. Oh, you’re also a traveler who’s in a LDR! I think it’s really difficult to balance my time in Uruguay with my desire to discover new places or at least to return to my “home country” Singapore. How do you do that?

        I really hope you can go to India one day! That’s a fascinating destination :)

        Did you grow up in Italy? Yeah I know this feeling of homelessness too well. Then I think that our children will be even worse off since they’ll have roots everywhere :D

        I think it’s great you don’t let your panic disorder dictate your life!

        I came across this article and thought of you: http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/anxiety-key-to-your-creativity/1057999/ :)

        Hugs from Switzerland!! <3

        1. I grew up in Italy and I still live here with my parents, but it has started to feel less and less like Home… Weird? I really feel like Home only when I’m with my boyfriend, though, so… I miss visiting new places but it’s totally worth it. When we finally live in the same place we will go discover some new ones together :)
          Italian hugs <3

          1. That must be a conflicting feeling! I’ve never had a real “home” so we have different starting points but end up feeling the same at the end.
            I guess it’s beautiful when your home is being with someone, no matter where :)
            Oh, so you’re not visiting any places besides Brazil? Do you already know when you can finally live together?
            I think the same though I’m trying to incorporate travels in the time we see us because it’ll still take a couple of years until we can live together.
            <3

            1. There’s a chance we manage it next year, but in the worst case we will live together by two years time. I don’t visit other places while I’m in Brazil because we are trying to save money, but sometimes we travel together, when he has holidays from work. :)

              1. I hope you can do it next year! All the best :) and even if it takes two years, at least you can still see each other for a long time :) I think it’s cool that you can organize being together for so much time!

                Saving money sounds like a great idea, I think I should be more frugal too. Cool that you travel together! :)

    1. At that point right now….. Great photo – that is how I felt last night with bouts of panicked bursts of repacking! Lucky me though as I am leaving my Bali home for a 3 month visit to Germany with my daughter and my parents. I don’t know if I have the restlessness like you do (had that a few years back) but I do get this feeling at times that something needs to change, need to try something new, start a new project or business. So maybe my restlessness has shifted to that part of my life. I could never imagine going to the same job for 30+ years……. Restlessness may be wearing you down but be grateful that you can experience the feeling, I think those that never stray might be weary of their state but might not acknowledge it.

      1. Oh, I hope you managed to get everything done! Have a smooth and safe trip! Thank you for the compliment :) I’m relieved I’m not the only one who ends up as a nervous wrack in certain situations. wow, I hope you’ll enjoy your stay in Germany! Won’t you miss your husband a lot? And do you regularly return to Germany?
        Thanks for sharing your experiences :) I hope the restlessness concerning a “home” will gradually decrease too in my case. What’s your profession? I definitely need a varied job!
        Yeah I suffer during the state of transition but normally I enjoy living here and there because it’s just what I need.
        I can’t wait to read of your time in Germany, I hope you’ll share some experiences :)

    1. Wow – that is seriously impressive you only started your blog five weeks ago – I honestly thought you’d been going for years as your posts are so professional!

      That must be really tough sometimes, trying to figure out your routes. I think we can all occasionally relate to the feeling ‘lost in chaos’ in various ways.

      1. Aww I guess you couldn’t give me a greater compliment, thank you Giverny :) I have to admit that it’s not my first blog but the others were quite different and I’m still not sure where this one will take me :)

        Have you felt similarly lately? How do you feel about going back soon?

        1. :)
          I am back now! I have some serious catching up to do on my blog, because didn’t have a lot of computer access in my last few week! It feels strange being back!

          1. I hope you arrived well! Yes I can imagine how strange it must feel at the beginning to be back again. I’m looking forward to reading your posts :)

Let me know what you think!

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