In

2016-05-09

Quietly I finish reading the paranormal romantic novel that has sucked me into its world during the last couple of days. It ends on a good note and leaves me with a tender feeling inside. I open my email program again. The dreaded email could arrive anytime and I want to be in a good mood when I open it so in the worst (and most probable) case, I’d be able to move on quickly.

An email. From Lucerne.

First, the email is blank, I just spot the words “Studienbestätigung – Aufnahme …” [confirmation of studies – admission …] in the ‘re’ and my heart starts to beat faster. It can’t be. But it’s true. Before the text appears, peace spreads in my mind. It’s over, this phase of uncertainty and stress is finally over. And I’m in!

I feel like hyperventilating. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. My first impulse is writing my love, see if he’s available. He’s done so much for me and had encouraged me during so many stressful hours and hopeless nights. Then I call him via Skype because these news are too big to be communicated by text.

We talk; relief floods through me and my reactions are crazy, I feel like a maniac.

∙•∙

However, after our talk, doubts devour my joy. What if it’s a mistake? It has happened in other Swiss universities as well, it’s not impossible. The interview went horribly, I can’t imagine they’d accept me after all. Hell, I went there believing I’m the perfect fit and left feeling like the biggest failure ever. So, what if it’s a mistake?!!

In the evening, my dad comes back, a rare big, genuine smile on his face after hearing the news from my mum. But I wipe it away, controlled by this irrational fear. “I doubt it’s true. I want to wait for the letter first before I celebrate anything.” His smile crumbles and it still hurts to think how I let my fears destroy this moment of fatherly pride and joy.

∙•∙

The next day, I’m in the long-distance bus to visit a dear friend in Frankfurt, Germany. I sent an email the night before, stupidly asking whether I’m admitted for real. Luckily, I have wi-fi and I anxiously check for the reply. Yes, you’re admitted, it’s not a mistake.

I can finally let myself be happy and celebrate this achievement. I’m in, I’m in, I’m in. But in the midst of this joy and relief is the knowledge that I urgently have to deal with this irrational fear and negativity before it poisons more precious moments or even prevents me from reaching my dreams.


Yes, the kinda impossible has happened and I’m admitted, one of fifteen chosen students – and I want to thank you again for the support and words of encouragement you’ve given me along the way. It means the world to me. I know that if I had failed, you’d have been there to catch my fall, and I’m so grateful for that. Thank you <3

Model: beautiful Denisa from the shoot that lifted my spirit after the devastating interview

39 Comments
    1. Congratulations! I can totally feel you on the “oh my! Can’t be serious – it may be a mistake.”. It happens when we want it so much! All the best in your journey! Looking forward to more of your photography. :)

      1. Thank you! :) haha I’m glad that it’s relatable, I felt ridiculous because of that and knew I wasn’t being rational, but I couldn’t do anything about it. Thanks for stopping by and have a lovely week <3

        1. Its usually after that we feel so silly to be thinking this way. Dun worry about it and enjoy the moment now that it’s confirmed! U have a lovely week too!

    1. I’m impressed with your ability to express yourself so beautifully at such a young age, but even more so I admire your self-awareness. It has taken me many years of anxiety to get to the place of understanding that I can change how I feel – choose optimism over negativity. And, you’re already there with that understanding. Bravo!

      1. wow, thank you for your beautiful feedback! I’m very happy to hear that from someone with more life experience than me; it gives me the confirmation that I’m on the right path. I’ve been blogging and reflecting my thoughts and feelings for four years and it has helped me a lot to understand myself.
        Thank you again and have a beautiful day!

    1. woop woop! Great news :D

      Beautiful shot + the dress is really nice
      Do you get clothes specifically for the photo shoots or are the models bringing what they want to wear?

      1. Yes, great news indeed :)) hihi

        Thank you! :) I ask the models to send me photos of the dresses they have and choose then – what about you?

        1. Hmm.. it depends :) I ask them like you do and we choose together, or sometimes I already have the dresses I want to shoot with so I look for someone who wouldn’t mind wearing them. Once I even rented, because no one had a dress that matched the mood of the photo shoot.

          1. Oh awesome, where do you get the dresses from? Do you buy them for someone else to wear or are they dresses you use yourself?
            I’ve been thinking of buying some dresses for shoots, but then I’m a bit reluctant since they’re often quite expensive and it has to fit the model too.. and I doubt if I can use the same dresses too often?
            Renting a dress is awesome, you sound like a pro (which you are :D)!

            1. I buy really cheap dresses from this website: http://www.shein.com. They’re not dresses I would wear and the material is not the best, but they work fine for photos and since they cost less than 20$ I don’t mind ;) You can also approach local vintage stores and ask them if they wouldn’t mind lending you clothes for shoots and in exchange you can give them the photos for them to promote their store – some people are OK with deals like that!

              1. Thank you for the advice, Ines! :)) great idea, also the one with the vintage stores! I should really do that this year :)) thank you for sharing your expertise with me, you’re very kind :*

    1. OMG, Congrats Monika!
      I can’t believe I knew you before you got hugely-famous.
      I give it 3 years, and you will be too big/famous to ever get to talk to again. (Too busy! Too successful!)
      Congrats – congrats – congrats!
      Wonderful news.
      – JTV
      (PS – But yes true also, if it had’ve been a mistake, it still would have been all for the best! )
      PPS – You were right to be skeptical, mistakes happen – a lot!
      ie That’s Life.
      Often they work out better, though !
      Also I agree with Blue Heron and her Wisdom. And everyone else here too.

      1. oh, thank you so much, Joe!! your comment put a huge smile on my face :D
        thanks for your optimistic prediction, but please be sure that I’d never forget the ones who supported me from the start so I’ll always make time for them :) let’s see where my photography will be in a year, I’m sure that my breakthrough will require more than three years though haha
        And I’m glad you can understand that I was cautious about the positive answer :D
        Have a beautiful weekend!

    1. Congrats!!! I also struggle with believing something good until I have absolute confirmation. When you’ve been let down before I think it’s normal. Don’t kick yourself for mentioning it to your dad. As a father, he probably knows that you were trying to protect your heart from the possible let down. I am so excited to watch your journey thru your blog <3 As a side note, I was born in Frankfurt Germany :) Good luck. One of 15? That's HUGE. Be proud <3

      1. Thank you very much! I’m really glad to know that I’m not alone with that irrational fear. And I’m glad you mentioned the part with my dad because it really troubled me – thank you! oh awesome, and where did you grow up? are you partly German as well? thank you for your kind comment and for following me <3 have a beautiful weekend!

        1. I would rather be prepared to be disappointed… I just cant really believe things until its actually happening lol. I thought I was alone too in this truth-be-told. <3 I actually remember nothing about Germany. :( My birth-father was in the US military way back then, and we were stationed in Heidelberg. My mother left him when I was about a year old and we bounced around the us.My biological grandfather (bio dads, dad) is German. So I guess I have a little German blood lol. <3 I hope you have a beautiful weekend as well :)

          1. Same like me! But I have a friend who firmly believes in positive thinking and that it can actually influence the outcome in a positive way. And really, I’ve been doubting myself so often, I’m afraid we’re just preventing ourselves from achieving something big because of our fears.
            Oh, I see! Have you never felt the urge to return to Germany to get to know the country where you were born? And since you’re at least a quarter German, are you planning to learn some German? :)
            take care x

            1. I need to think more positively as well. We can do this! <3 And I would love to go to Germany one day and explore. Its on my bucketlist. Learning to speak German may take awhile LOL.<3

              1. Yes, we can! <3 oh, awesome, I hope you can go to Europe and discover some of your ancestry soon :) haha German is a tough language but not impossible to learn!

    1. If they chose you amongst only 15 others, you have to be pretty intelligent!! They don’t chose dumb people! Stop beating yourself up!! Trade the doubts for thankfulness and then you will have to work hard. I bet you can do it!!!

      1. Oh thank you so much, Elaine! You’re right, I have to stop talking myself down over and over again, it consumes so much energy I should invest in something better. Thank you for your faith in me :) have a lovely weekend! :)

      1. Thank you! :) hmm the series is German, the first novel is called “Nybbas Nächte” – but I guess it won’t help :/

        Have a lovely week! x

        1. Haha, unfortunately I do not understand German. But if there is a translated version I’ll love to look into it. My current favorite paranormal author is Nalini Singh for her Psy-Changling series. Have you heard of it?

      1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment, I’d love to have you around :) take care and have a wonderful week! <3

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