Quietly I finish reading the paranormal romantic novel that has sucked me into its world during the last couple of days. It ends on a good note and leaves me with a tender feeling inside. I open my email program again. The dreaded email could arrive anytime and I want to be in a good mood when I open it so in the worst (and most probable) case, I’d be able to move on quickly.
An email. From Lucerne.
First, the email is blank, I just spot the words “Studienbestätigung – Aufnahme …” [confirmation of studies – admission …] in the ‘re’ and my heart starts to beat faster. It can’t be. But it’s true. Before the text appears, peace spreads in my mind. It’s over, this phase of uncertainty and stress is finally over. And I’m in!
I feel like hyperventilating. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. My first impulse is writing my love, see if he’s available. He’s done so much for me and had encouraged me during so many stressful hours and hopeless nights. Then I call him via Skype because these news are too big to be communicated by text.
We talk; relief floods through me and my reactions are crazy, I feel like a maniac.
However, after our talk, doubts devour my joy. What if it’s a mistake? It has happened in other Swiss universities as well, it’s not impossible. The interview went horribly, I can’t imagine they’d accept me after all. Hell, I went there believing I’m the perfect fit and left feeling like the biggest failure ever. So, what if it’s a mistake?!!
In the evening, my dad comes back, a rare big, genuine smile on his face after hearing the news from my mum. But I wipe it away, controlled by this irrational fear. “I doubt it’s true. I want to wait for the letter first before I celebrate anything.” His smile crumbles and it still hurts to think how I let my fears destroy this moment of fatherly pride and joy.
The next day, I’m in the long-distance bus to visit a dear friend in Frankfurt, Germany. I sent an email the night before, stupidly asking whether I’m admitted for real. Luckily, I have wi-fi and I anxiously check for the reply. Yes, you’re admitted, it’s not a mistake.
I can finally let myself be happy and celebrate this achievement. I’m in, I’m in, I’m in. But in the midst of this joy and relief is the knowledge that I urgently have to deal with this irrational fear and negativity before it poisons more precious moments or even prevents me from reaching my dreams.
Yes, the kinda impossible has happened and I’m admitted, one of fifteen chosen students – and I want to thank you again for the support and words of encouragement you’ve given me along the way. It means the world to me. I know that if I had failed, you’d have been there to catch my fall, and I’m so grateful for that. Thank you <3
Model: beautiful Denisa from the shoot that lifted my spirit after the devastating interview