I’m sorry I’m not who I want to be

2015-06-07

old city wall alzey germany

We wander through the streets of the town that was my home the last couple of months. I don’t know this quarter. Old buildings with broken façades line our way. Every now and then I halt, pointing my camera at something that has caught my attention, moving around a bit in order to find the right frame.

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You wait patiently. You tell me things about our surroundings, historical background information about the quarter, an anecdote about the back road to our right, details of the future of the abandoned building in front of us. You’re a confident narrator with a pleasant storytelling people like to listen to.

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And I listen. Or .. do I? Am I really listening? Or am I just nodding at the right time, asking the right questions at the right time? Questions to make you go on, to give you the impression that I’m listening while I’m lost in thoughts, not a few meters from you but actually in an entirely different world?

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A world where no one can reach me.

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I don’t do it on purpose, no, please don’t think that! I want to listen, but I’ve just lost the ability to do that. And I’m truly sorry. I know time is precious, especially when it comes to a person of your age. I know it and that’s why I feel so awful. I’m not making the best of our time together.

I wish I was more attentive to what you say, more grateful for everything you’re doing for me. I’m not who I want to be around you and I don’t know what’s stopping me. Impatience? Restlessness? Whatever it is, there is no excuse.

At the end I can just hope that I’ll change before it’s too late. I want to be the good listener I used to be again.

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A lot has been going through my head lately. That’s the reason why the last couple of posts were rather impersonal and photos-related. I had to write, but there were so many thoughts and feelings so that I was too overwhelmed to write about something meaningful.

I hope this rather gloomy post didn’t freak you out, I just felt like trying something new and would love to have some feedback because I have no idea how you’ll take it and feel a tiny little bit insecure since it’s definitely out of my comfort zone. But well, I really had to let it out.

Furthermore, this is the first time I used more than the basics (brightness/contrast/etc.) to edit the photos because I thought it’d fit better, what do you think?

A last question: Have you experienced something similar? If you have, with whom?

And last, but not least: a big thank you for reading this post and for all your comments lately, I really appreciate it! You’re great!! :) xox

17 Comments
    1. I loved this post! It was definitely so real and heart-felt. I have experienced something similar, but don’t really know how to put it into words, but I can totally relate to nodding at the right times and being in my own world where no one can reach me. Beautiful post!

      I also wanted to let you know that I nominated you for The Sisterhood of the World Award. I love your words and always look forward to your feedback! If you want to accept you can read about it here: https://justapreciouspenny.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/i-get-to-join-the-sisterhood/

      Can’t wait to read your next post! :)

      1. Thank you for your kind comment, Lauren! I really didn’t expect a reaction like that so I was very touched when I read it :) I’m so glad you can relate!

        And thanks again for the nomination and your positive feedback, comments like this keep me going :) I’m very happy to nominated me!

        And I love reading about your thoughts and reflections!

        Take care xox

      1. I’m glad you can relate and thank you very much for the compliment! :) have a great day!

    1. Those are lovely photos! The second-to-last one is my favourite. That building looks like it has some stories to tell. Such blue skies, by the way. Gorgeous.

      I am sorry you’re having such a whirlwind time inside your head with someone. I have felt lost and frustrated like that before. Like you’re just going through the motions. It’s no fun at all. I hope you find something to excite you. The poetry of your feelings is gorgeous, by the way. ‘Gloomy’ though it may be (nothing wrong with being gloomy).

      1. Thank you very much for the compliment :) it means even more to me now that I know you’re an artist :D
        I think I was just going through the motions in the conversations because I’m so focused on photography lately. I’d like to care more about what people are telling me :/
        oh and thank for those lovely words! You’re flattering me, I think you’re the first to use the word “poetry” in connection with me :)

        1. You’re welcome! There’s nothing wrong with focusing on your craft. You’re devoting yourself to it and, once you do that for a while, you won’t feel so out of it. :) I think that’s awesome that you have that sort of passion. And no problem, I just call them like I see them. :)

          1. You’ve always got kind words for me (I hope you can say that in English, haha), thank you! :) <3

    1. I feel as though I do this all too often, as well. I nod, and maybe ask a question but not really understand the answer because I’ve lost some of the details because I’ve gotten distracted by something. I think this would be a good habit to break! Also, your photos are beautiful!

      1. Thank you for sharing your experience, Mindy! I’m relieved I’m not the only one who does it however it really is a habit one should break. It’s sad that we don’t pay attention to what others are telling us and kinda isolate ourselves while someone wants to connect with us.
        Aw thank you for the compliment! :)
        I wish you a great day!

        1. You’re very welcome! Your blog is a treat :) also, I agree, but maybe since we’ve realized that this is a problem and that we do isolate ourselves, we can work harder on resolving the issue!

          1. Aw thanks, yours too! I enjoy your storytelling :) I agree, awareness is the first step towards change :)

      1. Thanks for your comment :* I actually thought of you when I wrote this post because we have talked about something similar before.
        I feel less horrible now because I’ve come to think of it as something human but I wanna change it anyway. :/

        Seven days! :D

    1. You’ve grown so much since then, my love! Very inspiring and motivating for my photography and personal growth journey as well.

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Cara <3 I'm not sure if I've grown in this area of my personality. It always hurt a bit to see this post because it reminds me of what I think is one of my biggest weaknesses. But photography-wise I've definitely changed :D I'm glad it's inspiring <3

Let me know what you think!

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