Hurricane

2017-05-07

monika-jia-rui-242

April is stormy and passes by in a haze. My fear of being hurt and abandoned prevails. Lines and lines of squished words fill my notebook. The smaller and unreadable, the better. To avoid people reading it accidentally.

I write during classes, boring speeches, lunch break, in the bus. The notebook is almost full. I wish the void within me could be filled as easily. The words don’t make a lot of sense, but I write as much as I can, hoping that a flash of genius would hit me eventually and I’d understand why I’ve been feeling so .. lost.

When I stumbled into my new life in Lucerne, it absorbed me. I’ve never felt so at home before. The end of feeling torn, the end of longing to belong somewhere. For the first time in my life, I even felt Swiss. But I foolishly forgot that things never stay the same. People come and go. I made myself emotionally dependent.

And how does someone who is terrified of being abandoned react? I push people away. Avoid friends until they feel like strangers.

231/365 – Sleeping all day in an attempt to avoid reality.

There’s this deep-rooted fear of being abandoned, not being accepted, never being enough. And no matter how often I’m proved otherwise, I can’t cure this feeling. My mind stubbornly holds onto it. So I prefer to cut the ties myself. It’s irrational, I know, I thought I got over this when I found my love three years ago. 21 and still the same issues as a teenager, haven’t I changed in the last couple of years?

No home, no home, so lonely, no home. Iciness settles in my chest. Strange melancholy clings to my soul. It makes me sluggish. Everything will be fine. This state of floating in-between is not good for me. Damn. Lucerne is a net. It gives me safety, but it’s also sticky. I’m a fly stuck in a spider’s trap. A traitorous comfort zone. I could have everything here, the perfect life lures. Fuck it.

I delay booking my flight to Uruguay for too long till the cheapest option is staying for three months. It’s longer than I intended. I wanted to have more time in Switzerland. My limited warm days here trickle away. Panic fills me. I’m afraid of missing out on social summer days again, ripping out the rest of my tender roots in Lucerne.

236/365

So I’m burning bridges, jumping to conclusions. No home, never a home. I randomly decide to move out in less than two months. Who knows where I’m going to live when I come back in autumn. I was holding onto something fleeting. Now I decided to let go, violently cut off my ties and dependencies to avoid becoming too attached (“don’t believe everything your mind says”). It feels weird, this state that settles in after a life-changing decision that springs from a spontaneous idea. I always assumed I’d stay with my flatmates till the end of my studies. Goodbye Lucerne, I loved you.

Suddenly the last few weeks made sense. A crescendo that has been building up. Bang. The fundament of my life vanishes into thin air, there are no guarantees. Nothing’s constant, so I prefer to control the uncertainty myself.

I’m a hurricane bringing turmoil to my life. But something new can arise out of the ashes. We act differently when we believe that we have nothing to lose. Magic happens.

I promise the next post is full of love and gratitude. ❤️

39 Comments
    1. You write so beautifully, it is so enjoyable to read. I think you convey really well what a lot of people, including myself, are to afraid to admit.

      1. Thank you very much, Han, I couldn’t get a greater compliment :) yeah I found it quite disturbing how many people have similar issues and yet nobody talks about it so we all feel alone with it. Have a wonderful week!

        1. You can’t always talk about it and I think that’s why even though so many people are going through similar issues nobody says anything. 1)Because they’re scared and
          2)Because even though there are amazing people in this world, sometimes no one listens

          Great post Monika!!!❤

    1. I can relate so well to this. Growing up living the life of an expat I find myself constantly searching for a place I can truly call home. And just when I think I found it, I sabotage the whole experience and wander off to a new place. I guess, we just have to accept the fact that we are citizens of the world and make peace with it (easier said than done, I know).

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Giovanna! Are you Swiss and grew up somewhere else? Or did you move to Switzerland? “Sabotage” brings it to the point :| Have you made peace with it? I’ve been working on it for the last couple of years but it’s such a long process.

        1. Yes, I am Swiss and grew up everywhere and nowhere it seems :)… mostly in Asia. I spent my whole life living like a nomad. I totally agree with you, it’s a process but I do find it gets easier with time…I am much less restless now at 34 compared to 10 years ago. While I haven’t yet managed to completely make peace with it, I do find myself actually embracing the fact that I am “different”. And I take great pleasure in the fact that nobody is able to place me in a “box”, as the Swiss so often tend to do. So, that’s something. I try not to fight it and embrace it as part of my unique identity. That being said, ask me again how I feel in a month and I’ll probably tell you I have booked a flight to Zimbabwe or something and am moving there :)

      1. ohh I used to listen to that song continuously a couple of years ago! Thank you for reminding me of it, I listened to it while taking yesterday’s self-portrait, it was inspiring :)

    1. I’ve definitely done that before… put off making a decision until fate basically forces me. I once made a decision 30 minutes before the deadline, when I had to pee and was late for class. I think having my hand forced makes me feel less responsible and thus less anxious. Maybe not the best coping mechanism but it’s the best I have sometimes.

      1. Oh gosh, what kind of decision was that? :D I guess it’s fine if it works for you :) in this case I didn’t even know about the deadline (because the thought never occurred to me) till the day before. But yeah, I guess it made it easier to just go for it, though I’m not sure if it was for the best 😅

        1. It was actually my decision to join Teach for America and move to Kansas city… A pretty important and life changing decision.

    1. Your self portraits are wonderful! They really portray your words… your thoughts…

      You’ve a real talent you know! Those words you write into your notebook… they enable you to write deep and vulnerable posts.

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words, they made me smile :) I’m glad you like what I do. Have a lovely week and take care xx

      1. Thank you! :) but no, definitely not a road map on how to deal with life, I don’t recommend anyone acting like this 😅 but the sequel is much more positive, I did do some things right at the end :) have a lovely week!

      1. Thank you! <3 don't worry, the past few days were great, I'm gonna write about them soon. I hope you're doing well, take care xx

    1. I’m not sure how, but I feel everything you feel at the same time. I myself, feel alone and get left out a lot, maybe because of my negativity that stems from going through a lot. I wish to sort of drop off the face of the Earth to access everything. Maybe get better, so I don’t feel like a burden.

      1. Hey Lexi, thank you for sharing <3 What do you mean with "access everything"? I'm sure you're not a burden at all. From what I've seen/read of you, I got the impression that you're a kind, compassionate and beautiful soul. Have you talked with someone – a friend or family member – about how you feel? I've made the experience that our truth can be very far from reality and opening up can change everything. Take care and let me know if you wanna talk about this confusion :) hugs! <3

        1. Oh dear, I meant “assess” silly me. I just want to step back and look at everything for a moment rather than being apart of it for a while. I spoke to my friends, they let me know that they are just busy and it’s not anything about me that keeps them away. But did say I am negative about a lot.. which is true but I’ve gotten better. Thank you, Monika.

    1. Reading your post made me think about my year abroad. After the newness faded, loneliness set in and there was a point that I isolated myself from other people. But eventually days became brighter and more pleasant. By the time I was recovered, weeks had already gone by but I did my best to enjoy the rest of my stay. I hope you find brighter days in the coming weeks. :)

      1. Hey, thank you for sharing your experience! :) I also spent a year abroad, it was quite a sobering experience. I’m glad you got to enjoy some of the time you had there. May has been brighter, filled with many talks and love – thank you for your wishes :) take care and have a wonderful week!

      1. I still have to improve A LOT, but I’m glad you like it – thank you very much! :))

    1. Hi Monika,

      These feelings were soo familiar for me, coupled with paranoia/insecurity/loneliness/depression/suicudal thoughts..the list goes on

      I think for me, no matter how much i told someone i felt they never understood it so just kept it to myself..and that just makes it worse, mind games (So powerful)

      It was and still is a daily process learning to Not allow my feelings or mind to control me, I can channel the thoughts that make me feel crappy into stronger thoughts that make me feel powerful..affirmations,prayers espec. all help.

      Consciously choose to be in control..

      Hope my little nuggets help.

      1. Hey dear S, thank you for your compassionate and thoughtful comment! <3 I appreciate it a lot.

        I'm fortunate enough to be around many people who might not always understand, but always listen without judging.

        "Consciously choose to be in control.." – that's what I'm working on :) it sounds as if you've been making lots of progress, I'm really glad to hear that!

        Hugs from Switzerland and thank you again xx

    1. We should try to see other again before you leave :) Perhaps go on a hike together?

      1. Hey Ines, I’d love to, but time is running :( maybe in autumn again? Then more than once :D

    1. Many of the comments reveal deep existential feelings: the loss of connection, the pain of alienation, even the self-imposed kind, the paradoxical need to connect and disconnect, the choosing of remoteness and isolation so as to discover and create and know, the need to experience the sadness of life and its fleeting, happy moments, the revealing of vulnerability and deepest fears and the inevitable loss of things, places, people with which we’ve grown so attached, the loss of control. Thanks Monika for your courage to explore the deeper human realities and for portraying them so well in words and images. Sorry I haven’t been in touch in a while.

    1. Beautifully written .You wrote your inner feelings with a great ease , a few have such daring spirit like u .Thanks for reading and following my blog.

      1. Thank you very much for your kind comment, dear Shayra! <3 have a lovely weekend

    1. You write very beautifully, even when it is a reflection of very difficult feelings. “Iciness settles in my chest. Strange melancholy clings to my soul.” sadness and uncertainty captured so well. I hope all will become clear and the ice will melt for you. Xxx

    1. Great words! I would like to push you deeper inside yourself, deeper than fear point to see what shines there.

Let me know what you think!

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