April is stormy and passes by in a haze. My fear of being hurt and abandoned prevails. Lines and lines of squished words fill my notebook. The smaller and unreadable, the better. To avoid people reading it accidentally.
I write during classes, boring speeches, lunch break, in the bus. The notebook is almost full. I wish the void within me could be filled as easily. The words don’t make a lot of sense, but I write as much as I can, hoping that a flash of genius would hit me eventually and I’d understand why I’ve been feeling so .. lost.
When I stumbled into my new life in Lucerne, it absorbed me. I’ve never felt so at home before. The end of feeling torn, the end of longing to belong somewhere. For the first time in my life, I even felt Swiss. But I foolishly forgot that things never stay the same. People come and go. I made myself emotionally dependent.
And how does someone who is terrified of being abandoned react? I push people away. Avoid friends until they feel like strangers.
There’s this deep-rooted fear of being abandoned, not being accepted, never being enough. And no matter how often I’m proved otherwise, I can’t cure this feeling. My mind stubbornly holds onto it. So I prefer to cut the ties myself. It’s irrational, I know, I thought I got over this when I found my love three years ago. 21 and still the same issues as a teenager, haven’t I changed in the last couple of years?
No home, no home, so lonely, no home. Iciness settles in my chest. Strange melancholy clings to my soul. It makes me sluggish. Everything will be fine. This state of floating in-between is not good for me. Damn. Lucerne is a net. It gives me safety, but it’s also sticky. I’m a fly stuck in a spider’s trap. A traitorous comfort zone. I could have everything here, the perfect life lures. Fuck it.
I delay booking my flight to Uruguay for too long till the cheapest option is staying for three months. It’s longer than I intended. I wanted to have more time in Switzerland. My limited warm days here trickle away. Panic fills me. I’m afraid of missing out on social summer days again, ripping out the rest of my tender roots in Lucerne.
So I’m burning bridges, jumping to conclusions. No home, never a home. I randomly decide to move out in less than two months. Who knows where I’m going to live when I come back in autumn. I was holding onto something fleeting. Now I decided to let go, violently cut off my ties and dependencies to avoid becoming too attached (“don’t believe everything your mind says”). It feels weird, this state that settles in after a life-changing decision that springs from a spontaneous idea. I always assumed I’d stay with my flatmates till the end of my studies. Goodbye Lucerne, I loved you.
Suddenly the last few weeks made sense. A crescendo that has been building up. Bang. The fundament of my life vanishes into thin air, there are no guarantees. Nothing’s constant, so I prefer to control the uncertainty myself.
I’m a hurricane bringing turmoil to my life. But something new can arise out of the ashes. We act differently when we believe that we have nothing to lose. Magic happens.
I promise the next post is full of love and gratitude. ❤️