Gone

2017-02-01

What words can describe the feeling that settles in when you realise that once again you’re separated, being the one left behind?

A part of me is missing. I walk the streets alone and can’t look into these brown eyes full of love, feel his warmth by my side, my hand in his, our fingers entwined. I know I’ll be fine eventually, both of us always are. But right now I feel like something has been torn away from me. I miss him dearly.

Belatedly – sitting on my single bed that seems too big for one person now – tears stream down my face and I clutch my knees. Is it sadness, gratitude, loneliness, all of it? I comfort myself with the same words over and over again. We’ve been through this, it’s doable, you’ll be reunited soon enough. But there’s no consolation, the pain keeps tormenting me.

And the worries, the overwhelming worries. We’re half-way through the long-distance part of our relationship. Three more years to go. And then? We’re going to move together, of course, somewhere. But I don’t see myself earning money – why the hell did I decide to take the artist’s path – and how are we supposed to live then? When financial matters are the next challenge, once we’re finally done with the long-distance part?

Oh, how much I miss his face already. His smile, the loving eyes, his touch on my skin. Everything is so empty now, it’s crazy how a couple of hours make all the difference between here and gone. Complete and incomplete.

✕ ✕ ✕

Emptiness. I see him everywhere, but he’s gone, and all that’s left is space that’s not supposed to be there.

With his things gone, my room almost seems double the size it had yesterday. I used to love it – space, minimalism, whiteness. Room to breathe. But now this space is consuming me, there’s this void inside me that makes me want to fill it with food. As if it helped. I do it anyways.

Life goes on, I have to work somehow, but all I want to do is hide away, avoid people and social interactions. Staying in Lucerne is too painful so I flee from the memories and his haunting absence (and continue whining at home).

✕ ✕ ✕

I know I will be fine, eventually. It has simply never felt this bad before. And as if wasn’t enough, so many things have gone wrong in the two days since he’s left that I feel like surrendering. But I’m going to be fine.

(sorry for this whiny post.)

22 Comments
      1. Thank you for your compassionate words! <3 it's actually easier to be the one leaving, because then you have a life to return to. The one who stays is kinda stuck with the loss. I hope you get what I mean :D

    1. Un seul être vous manque et tout est dépeuplé. Only one being is missing and all becomes a desert. (Lamartine)
      :)

      1. Thank you so much, your words made me feel more normal. <3 Take care and have a wonderful weekend! :)

    1. It’s okay to be whiny sometimes, just to let it out. I know how you feel about feeling that certain kind of emptiness. I’m the type that feels like that when someone (family, friend) moves/goes away or I move away. It’s especially sad when you know you will never or may never see each other again.

      But at the end of the day, there are just some things we have to accept. We always have to go forward. Whine for now, then smile later.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! <3 I've actually got used to people (or me) leaving, but it was more difficult this time because of the circumstances. I might elaborate in a future post :D

        But you're right, there's no way through but through and I have to accept it.

        Have a lovely weekend <3

      1. Thank you very much for thinking of me, Kirti! Unfortunately I don’t participate in the awards-thingy, but I’m happy about your nomination :) <3

    1. Wow, this is so relatable.. My now husband and I were long-distance for the first year of our relationship. I was left behind every time, and it was devastating. I can’t fathom multiple years of this torture. I hope there’s an end in sight and you can be together finally. My heart goes out to you.

      1. I’m so glad you got married, I love hearing of LDR-couples who closed the distance and got married :D luckily we take turns in visiting each other so I only get left behind once a year haha we’ll have to wait another three years :/ but it’s going to be okay. Thank you for your compassionate comment <3

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