Faded Magic

2016-03-02

I see three ghosts from my past in a day, people I haven’t seen for ages. In a time long gone, I was in unhealthy relationships with two of them – for reasons I don’t understand anymore. The possibility of a confrontation makes me feel uneasy, but emotionally I’m unaffected.

The unjustified accusations of being needy and emotionally dependent, the control imposed over me, the self-esteem I lost because I was too young to know how to defend my boundaries, the tears of despair I cried over and over again, the hopeless attempt to love someone who was pushing me away and down – they are no longer part of my present. Seeing them was not pleasant, but it makes me happy to realise how far I’ve come.  I’ve moved on, no negative grudges or cold feelings cling to my heart. It has taken years to get me here. It’s great to feel nothing, not to care.

The third person was a high school crush from nine years ago. Back then, I was 11 and he was 15. Crazy, how young we were. It ended in a disaster that was a huge blow for my non-existing confidence – but it also shaped my life in some positive ways, eventually leading to me being together with my love. And there the guy who had such a big impact on my life stands next to me, unknowing of how much he changed my life. I wonder what he’d say if he knew.

Dominique flowers

In the evening, I meet up with my circle of friends from high school, a mixed group of nine, with all kinds of personalities. At the beginning it’s great to be around them again, but at some point I can’t help but to notice that the magic that once welded us together is gone. We are on different paths and left the common ground that bridged the differences of our natures. Some conversations that used to be meaningful are shallow, people who were once close to me have become strangers. We are trying to hold on to the magic, to bring it back, but I wonder if it’s not too broken to be fixed.

When should we try to fix something that’s broken instead of throwing it away? How can it be fixed? When is it better to move on?

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The next evening, another concert, Kodaline. One of my favourite bands since I’ve come back from Asia last year. Their music feels intimate and like Keane’s, has the power to reduce me to tears. My heart is full of anticipation.

First comes the supporting band, All Tvvins, an instrumental rock trio from Ireland. They rock the stage and motivate me to work hard and to never stop believing in my dreams. Inspiration is everywhere, there are so many diligent and talented people around us.

Then comes Kodaline, my heart has longed for the music of this band. But something’s off, maybe the girl who dances crazily to tender songs in front of us or because I’m struggling to get a good view. They perform songs I don’t know very well, I’m waiting for my favourites and when The One comes, the heartwarming song that made me rediscover the band, the singer sings it without accompaniment to make it more sound heartfelt, but to me it sounds wrong, I can’t let go and the music doesn’t carry me away.

I feel disillusioned. Maybe because I expected them to be different, more down-to-earth, a bit more magical. Maybe it’s because their music is so intimate and personal for me that I don’t feel comfortable being in a crowd that loudly cheers for them. I don’t know.

I leave the concert with an uncertain feeling in my gut. It’s Sunday evening and the new week awaits me with some challenges I’m not ready to face.


Models: Andrea, Dominique and Vera

25 Comments
    1. “I meet up with my circle of friends from high school, a mixed group of nine, with all kinds of personalities. At the beginning it’s great to be around them again, but at some point I can’t help but to notice that the magic that once welded us together is gone. We are on different paths and left the common ground that bridged the differences of our natures.”

      I often have similar feelings when meeting up with old friends. My worldview has changed so much since leaving high school that our dynamics just aren’t the same anymore.

      1. Thank you for your comment, Josh! So do you keep in touch for the old memories’ sake or is there something that still connects you?

        1. Eh, I don’t really keep in touch all that well anymore. There’s one high school friend that I still spend time with on a semi-regular basis, but we’ve been friends for forever. Our underlying values are also still very similar, despite a few superficial differences.

          1. Oh, I see haha. Well, I guess that will happen after many years when there aren’t many common traits left.. But it’s cool that you kept this one good friend :)

    1. “At the beginning it’s great to be around them again, but at some point I can’t help but to notice that the magic that once welded us together is gone. We are on different paths and left the common ground that bridged the differences of our natures.”

      This post resonates with me. I feel the same way when I meet up with old friends. It’s almost as if we’ve become different people over the years. It’s also really sad to lose that connection that was once comfortable.

      1. Thank you for your comment, Yuki! So do you simply accept that it’s over? Have you ever tried holding onto someone and revive the friendship even though the person was far away?

        And I guess we do become different people over the years, but it’s our choice if we want to get to know each other again or just move on with new friends..

    1. I’ve noticed that the longer you haven’t seen a friend, the less you have to say and the harder it is to find something to talk about. It’s contradictory.

      From personal experience, I can tell you it is possible to rekindle the friendship though. Set up some more dates, closer to each other and you’ll find plenty of things to talk about :)

      1. Actually, I haven’t really experienced this when it comes to meeting just one friend (because there’s always lots of catch up to do then), but with our high school group, exactly that’s the case.. the problem’s just that some of us already have other priorities so it makes it harder to meet up more frequently. But I’ll give it a try once I handed in my portfolio – thank you for your comment, Mathieu! :)

    1. Hi Monika, thanks for checking out my post. Your blog is very interesting and the photos are great. Keep on blogging!

      1. Hello :) Thank you for your lovely comment, I wish you a wonderful day <3 take care!

    1. Beautifully written! Love the photo’s as wel, especially the second, modest one. It makes the story even more powerful and true that it already is. Can’t wait to read more of your work!

      1. Thank you so much for you thoughtful comment, Maya! I’m glad you found my blog, I enjoy yours a lot as well and am curious to see what you’ll come up with in the future! :) xox

    1. Thank you for visiting my blog! Sory the concert wasn’t what you expected, but they should have considered their fans and played their music how expected. Some people are fair weather friends. Some hang for a while and then depart. Some stay forever; you just don’t know who they’ll turn out to be; best friends. Good blog entry! It held my interest all the way through!

      1. Thank you so much for reading and your thoughtful comment, I appreciate it a lot! I don’t know why I’ve never thought of it, but you’re right – not all friends are meant to stay, no matter what used to connect us in the past.. it’s just so difficult to realise that and let go. Have a lovely evening :)

        1. I know that for sure… Get out among friends and you’ll feel better guaranteed! My gosh! I hope your heart mends quickly Monika! {{{{HUG!!}}}}

    1. You write: “When should we try to fix something that’s broken instead of throwing it away? ”
      There are other options. One of them would be to cherish the memory AND STILL know that it is not valid for your present life anymore.
      Just like a song that meant a lot to us when we were young: the fact that it doesn’t have the same meaning anymore, that it doesn’t touch the inner chambers of our heart anymore, doesn’t make the song “bad,” nor does it diminish our memories that have been attached to it. Keep the song, keep the memories, cherish them, but move on in your life. :)

      1. What a beautiful metaphor! Thank you very much for sharing your insight with me. I’ll think whether I can apply it – it’s just that some of our group feel like me, they don’t want to let go but feel that it’s slipping away. So we don’t know if we should try to save it together or not.

        I’m very interested in the “having kids topic” so I’m curious – does the metaphor also apply to the phase when kids grow up, become more independent and leave the childhood home?

        1. Thank you for writing back.

          Kids… you can never walk away from kids.
          There are people who have tried, without much success, I hear.
          When the kids have left the family home, they are still our kids, and we still hold the memories dear from when they were tiny, or not so tiny.
          All remains, all can be cherished WHILE moving on.
          I have already clear plans for when my son leaves our home, but he’ll still be my son, I’ll still care tremendously, I will love him all the same, but… my life will be very different.

          That is how I see it and I would think that some or many people see it differently. I’m sure you will hear all kinds of ideas and opinions. I hope they will all contribute to keeping you thinking about these interesting questions.
          :)

          1. Thank you for your interesting reply and sorry for my late response!

            So did I understand it correctly: Your metaphor applies to the situation with children growing up?

            Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I appreciate it a lot :) have a great week!

            1. Your sentence: “We are trying to hold on to the magic, to bring it back, but I wonder if it’s not too broken to be fixed.” touched me. I thought about it and figured that you don’t have to hold on to the magic or “bring it back,” but you can just accept that things are different, and that this acceptance does not diminish the magic you used to feel.
              Only now, this particular “magic” is in the past; yet it’s the same… only just in memory.
              (Maybe that doesn’t make much sense to you or others, and only makes sense to me. :) )

              1. Thank you again for your thoughtful comment :) well, I’m somewhere between letting go and giving it one last try. Things are definitely different and time will show if we can evolve from this new situation.. I feel like we’re in the decisive phase that will show if our good times belong to the past or
                I’m not sure if I understood your last phrase about the memory, we’re being very philosophical here and I’m afraid my English can’t keep up :D

Let me know what you think!

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