I still have four weeks until I have to hand in my portfolio for my photography studies application, but I’m already freaking out. My head feels clouded, anxiety runs through my body and mind and I have to pull myself together so I don’t resort to food in order to feel in control of something, anything.
At the end, I give in. Loads of salted crackers fill my belly. While I used to hate myself because of that, I let it go. It’s fine, I haven’t been so nervous for a while and have to relearn how to deal with those feelings. I’ll figure it out, hating myself won’t get me anywhere.
The next morning, I wake up and the ugly little patch of stone floor outside my window is covered with an unexpected blanket of white and looks beautiful. Soft bright flakes, angels’ tears, slowly make their way down onto Earth. Looking at them tenderly falling onto the ground soothes my mind. Funny how such a detail can make me feel better. Winter’s return surprised me. He wasn’t really there this year and we already had a taste of spring, but here he is again with his ethereal companions.
In the evening, on my way back home through the pitch black night, icy little raindrops turn my fingers that firmly grip the handlebar cold and red, my face is flushed and I feel light-headed. A tiny difference of temperature decides whether you’re sprinkled by beautiful snowflakes or spiked by icy raindrops. Just like so many things in life, the line between beauty and ugliness and pain is very thin, sometimes blurred.
Tomorrow morning I’ll get the assignment I have to hand in with my portfolio. I have no idea what it could be, but I feel calmer. A reassuring feeling has disentangled the knot that my stomach has become during the last few weeks. I’ll be okay. Even if I’m not going to get admitted.
There’s this seed of thought Andrea, one of the beautiful people I got to meet during the last few weeks, planted into my mind: When one door closes, there are still so many doors wide open, so many possibilities waiting for me. If something doesn’t work out, it’s not meant to be. Life will have something better in store for me.
Currently I’m in the process of making my blog more personal. As I’ve written before, I want to find my voice again. This includes writing about the mundane, regularly. I know that it’s disappointing when you expect to see exciting travel photography and the like, but luckily, there are enough other pages in the internet that are fully committed to that topic – unfortunately, my life doesn’t only consist of travels and adventures.
I feel like having to apologize for boring you, but I shouldn’t, since my blog is my own little place in the internet. So if you feel like leaving, it’s okay. I was glad you stuck around for a while and wish you all the best.
My goal is to be able to use words and photography to capture the beauty that can be found in everyday life, in those moments and gestures that slip by unnoticed if we don’t pay attention, in the routine. I have yet to start with the documentary photography part, I guess that’s a challenge I’ll take up once I hand in the portfolio. For now, I’ll settle with writing.
Models: Tatjana, Elena and Dominique
Dearest reader, how do you deal with anxiety? Do you have any big challenges coming up? I’d love to hear from you.