disarmed

2017-09-23

I’m unpacking and packing my luggage within a couple of hours. Here, there, gone.

It’s time to return to Lucerne; the thought of it freaks me out. Meeting everyone again after a long time of absence.. I feel like I can’t do it, I want to be alone and hide while at the same time it’s the loneliness that’s eating me, the fear of realising that the connection is gone, people are okay without me, don’t miss me at all.

I depend on them so much.

But I’ve lived alone for a year and thrived in the solitude. I know I can do this, I don’t need people. However, my memory is the worst, the past doesn’t exist, there’s only the now and currently it feels impossible to manage.

Then some friends reach out, send me words of comfort that I wrap around my anxious little soul to feel warm again. And slowly the anxiety and coldness ceases. I’m not alone.

next day.

my sense of home is messed up. i’m back to the place i didn’t want to leave three months ago and it repels me.

anxiety runs through my veins, scrawls under my skin while i’m waiting.

and falling.

i fall back into the past. relapse. is it spring or autumn or the spring that came before winter returned?

i’m so desperate for company, for people who keep me grounded.

 

push away / run / disappear

i try to reach out, poor little pitiable me. it feels desperate, i’m swallowing my pride. when have i become a welfare case?

it feels like trying to force people to stay with me.

 

i’ve been dying to see them again. spend hours talking, enjoying each other’s company, catching up. connecting.

just like before. things were just perfect late spring, i asked for a lot and gave as much and it was right.

but their lives’ moved on. i’m not important anymore, lost my place, went down their list of priorities.

 

and again i’m too much. too close. too needy. too everything, i’m never the perfect amount of anything.

i’ve been trying to endure this vulnerability, letting people stay important to me even though it doesn’t feel mutual.

but it’s really hard not to slam the door now, to tear down the foundations of what we’ve built, set everything on fire.

Then a dear friend and her friend return to where I’m sitting all miserable and alone. They enthusiastically insist on me joining them even though I’m in an obvious low, an absolute party pooper. I show some resistance, think of going home, but my anxiety and fears get disarmed by their conviction.

They persuade me, not minding my gloomy mood. I don’t understand how they want to spend time with me while I’m in this state, but they make me feel less horrible. The broken pieces are mend for tonight. It doesn’t take a lot to save me, but I can’t do it on my own.


Model: Ornella

24 Comments
    1. Sometimes I’m lonely and want to be with someone, but as soon as I make plans, I regret it because I want to be alone. Thanks for sharing. How come you move a lot? Is it for school?

      1. Hey Ashley, thank you for your comment :) I don’t move that much, just used some opportunities to live abroad (exchange year, voluntary year) and my boyfriend lives in Uruguay where I spend my summers. And yeah, I’ve lived in Singapore for eight years before moving to Switzerland and it took me a long time to adapt.
        Take care! :)

    1. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I still do the same thing and I’m almost 60. Social anxiety, I call it.

      1. Knowing you feel similarly is calming and worrying at the same time, I hope it’d pass someday. Thank you for sharing!

    1. Hi, Monika. I had this xperience when I moved back to Chicago after having lived for 11 years in Bogota, Colombia. But hey, there are lots of strangers out there waiting to become friends with someone. Some may not be worth it in the long run. Some are dangerous. But most of them are just like us –looking to break the solitude and isolation by finding a few good friends.

      1. “There are lots of strangers out there waiting to become friends with someone.” – I tend to forget that, everyone seems so content and satisfied with their social life and don’t seem to want to make (real) new friends. Thanks for the reminder :)

    1. Returning ‘home’ after a long absence is never easy. But your friend who invited you out when you were in a gloomy mood is a keeper. Not everyone is like that! How did the night go, by-the-way?

      1. Definitely, she is amazing and I’m so glad we got closer this spring 😊 I felt so much more optimistic when I went home, I guess I really needed to feel someone not giving up on me when I was my worst. How are you, Josh? Thank you for your comment! :)

      1. I agree! But sometimes it’s not really clear what you need. Hope you’re doing well :)

    1. You’re never alone, you have your words, you have us, you are brave – it takes a lot to be vulnerable and real, and with that kind of courage, you can pretty much do anything!!
      Wish you a very very happy birthday!! May this year bring you more and more happiness :)
      Lots of love!!!

    1. you did a beautiful job of illustrating a racing mind. When I have moments of insecurity I feel like this. And if I could write how I felt at that moment it would be like this. As for the content, I sometimes find that as badly I may want to go somewhere as soon as I am there I want to go somewhere else

    1. >I don’t understand how they want to spend time with me while I’m in this state, but they make me feel less horrible. The broken pieces are mend for tonight. It doesn’t take a lot to save me, but I can’t do it on my own.<

      Sometimes, in spite of ourselves, we allow those who care to allow us to heal. It sounds like your friends were at the right place at the right time to allow you to heal. Sometimes, that skin we want to where just doesn't fit. It means you are growing and that's ok.

      Smile and enjoy the moment, in the end, it's what makes you, you! :)

    1. Your writing is wonderful and your photography is exquisite. Both are profoundly moving. Thank you for visiting my blog today and giving me the opportunity to find yours.

      PS: It does get better with age; at least it has for me. Try to be as loving and kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. You are the one person who will always be with you.

    1. Monika , first of all thank you for liking my blog. I’m going to have an upcoming post on something like what you talk about in this post. It happens to all of us, really.it does get better with age. I’m 64, going on 65. Sometimes you want to be around friends lots of times you just want every one to , pardon my french , “to leave you the fuck alone!”. Keep on giving us beautiful posts like this and hang in there dear.

    1. Hey Monika…this is so raw and so honest, I can feel it knocking against the walls of my brain. Thank you for putting words to emotions that made me decline invitations, lose sleep and sometimes go out of control. I wish there was an off switch to our brains…
      The photography is so poignant along with the narrative. So, thank you for visiting my blog and letting me discover yours. All the best.

    1. It’s not easy being vulnerable, but look how strong you are! Beautiful prose and photos, too.

Let me know what you think!

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