Life has been going on quietly. Days went by without my usual emotional rollercoaster. No state of joy nor of anxiety, just mediocrity. I was tired and busy – but I believed I was fine. Life is bland and less intense this way – without emotions, there’s no impulse to create or write. But it’s better than feeling down, right?
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I was wrong. I’ve been walking on ice all along while believing I was on a boring but safe path. The ground beneath my steps felt assuring, but I’ve never actually reached the shore where life with its heights and lows happens. In my ignorance, I’ve been balancing on dangerous grounds instead. And now the ice broke, I’m stuck in freezing water that takes my breath away and I don’t know how to proceed.
Darkness is closing in. My doubts and issues wash over me like a wave, threatening to devour me, to pull me into the deep vastness of desolation.
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I can’t stand being in my body. I can’t stand living my life, don’t want it to be mine. It doesn’t make sense, I know I have millions of reasons to be grateful. I am. But this feeling is bigger than reason, and it consumes me.
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I’m tired of people. They hurt and leave ugly scars.
Things have been adding up. Two classmates ignored me when I spoke to them, probably not even on purpose, and in the twinkling of an eye I’m a sixteen years old exchange student again, desperately trying to make conversation and friends, only ending up getting ignored again and again, never feeling lonelier, having the hardest time of her life during what was supposed to be an amazing experience.
Then there’s the group chat with my high school friends. A new topic comes up, everyone knows what it’s about and I have to ask twice before someone bothers to explain me what’s going on. It sucks being left out.
Also, there are family issues, and the subject of my documentary project for uni is giving me a really hard time. And Robin, my flatmate who has turned into one of my best friends, has been absent because of an injury and I miss talking and laughing with him so damn much. And of course my love isn’t available 24/7 so I have to learn to be okay on my own. It’s hard. Your thoughts grow even louder when you have no one to talk to.
Loneliness is swallowing me up, I feel rejected and forgotten.
I want to connect with the people I photograph. Instead, there are so many vultures trying to get a free shoot. They don’t care about me or what I want to express, they just want to get some ‘pretty photos’ for free and that’s it. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past. I’m afraid of wasting my time and passion yet again.
And I’m trying really hard with my photography, trying and failing, trying and failing, running into walls again and again. I know I’m far from good, my work is mediocre, but I wished more friends would support me nonetheless. Or my classmates – I thought we were in this together, but apparently I’ve been too naive, as always.
I can’t express how much I long for connecting with someone right now.
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Then a blogger I visited comes into my mind. I liked her, she welcomed me with open arms and I had an amazing time in her country. But afterwards, I had to realise that she’s not only fake, but also one of those people who like to make others believe they have a perfect life. It makes me want to throw up.
I’m so done, done, done.
Tired of this, of pretending, lying to myself, trying to be someone I’m not. Of people pretending and faking and making other people feel bad about themselves.
I ache for raw, ugly nakedness.
And I’m so tired of Facebook, posting something, hoping people will like it, drawing my sense of confidence from that – and of Instagram, those unfollowers desperately trying to get you to follow them. Are we all sad little humans desperate for attention?
It’s wrong. Unhealthy.
I’d like to publish my stuff only here, in my safe little space, creating art only for myself and those who really care about it. I don’t want to beg for attention.
But we live in the age of social media. If I ever want to make some money with my photography, I’ll have to get myself out there. Like millions of others who are desperately trying to get attention. Pitiable.
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I’m playing with the idea of skipping classes tomorrow, I can’t take small talk and superficiality right now, it’s late and my mind is driving me crazy. But I don’t know. I’ll see.
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Sorry for another messy post, I just had to get rid of my crazy thoughts somewhere. Don’t worry, this will pass, I’m going to be okay again. I hope you’re doing well, my loves, take good care of yourselves. <3
// I was about to hit the ‘publish’ button when I got this message from a kind stranger called Brian:
Monika: I admire your photography, and I’m moved by your story. I just wanted you to know that you are appreciated and valued, and that you are talented and passionate.
The timing was perfect. Sometimes it takes so little to save someone from their demons.