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Satisfaction

Satisfaction is a weird thing, it chokes the necessity to share. Things are fine. Suddenly it’s September (what?!), spring has begun but I’m hopping into autumn soon and I can’t believe I’m about to turn 22. Days pass way too quickly while I do nothing and everything at once. Existing, living and enjoying life. There’s nothing I can complain about– I do what I love, create create create and get to spend lots of time with my love. I’ve even started...

shoes (day viii)

June. I’m in Germany for a couple of days, visiting my grandparents. My grandpa drives me to the industrial area near his town that used to be my home, too. It’s time for my bi-annual cosmetics shopping. The summer heat inundates us when we leave the air-conditioned drugstore. In my little backpack are 40€ worth of products, paid with the money my grandma gave me to cover a part of my train fare. We’ve barely left the entrance when my...

Valizas

Being disconnected for a couple of days, soaking up the winter sun, the ocean breeze and a great read was the best gift I could make myself. When it was quiet at night I didn’t take out my iPod to listen to my favourite songs; I focused on the sound of the ocean instead. The steady swoosh of the waves when everything else fell silent reminded me of cars on a highway. It was soothing to know that there was...

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

A Lonely Heart

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends. Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if...