Big In Japan

2017-04-05

Big In Japan. Infinite loop. Laura’s beautiful voice mingles with Nick’s velvety one. Nick, about whom J told me all those years ago. 2013. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I still have his cover of Radioactive on my iPod. A memento of a very intense time in Singapore. And surprisingly, I’ll get to know him soon – through photography. It doesn’t hurt to ask, Monika.

I used to admire him from afar. Thought he was too talented, too handsome, too cool for me. Like so many other people I got to know in the last two years. Some even became friends. Once again I marvelously underestimated myself. Sometimes I’d really like to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

It’s time to step out of my comfort zone, to dare more. Or I’ll never get better.

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3:20 am. My body cries for sleep but melancholy keeps me awake. Their cover of Alphaville’s song puts my head into a hazy state, I’m drenched by a flood of feelings.

I’m twenty-one. My first relationship was seven years ago, my exchange year five. Time flies, faster and faster, unstoppable. My life drifts past me and I’m so afraid of dying without having lived because of bad phases and stress. Now I want to do too much at once – make new experiences, get to know more fascinating people, not missing out on anything. At the end I’ll overwhelm myself, short circuit, but well. Someday I’ll learn from my mistakes. Hopefully.

Sleeping monsters have been awaken. Insecurity, haughtiness? I don’t know. But I can’t forget that I am the one in control of my emotions. Not vice versa. They don’t define me.

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I’m afraid of writing truly honestly about my thoughts and feelings. Stop leaving out the really ugly details. Would I tell too much? Definitely. But on the other side, I can’t stand the prim and proper texts anymore. They don’t mean anything, not to me. There’s nothing more interesting and beautiful than texts that show inner conflict, that make you feel uneasy about hitting the red publish button. Texts that illustrate the duality of life. The human condition. And yet I don’t want to hurt anybody. Why isn’t it possible to be completely honest without hurting anyone?

And of course, there’s always the question: “Who cares about your thoughts and feelings?” However, at the end, it’s about how I can benefit from all this. Not about relevance or whatever. I shouldn’t care about those who don’t let me do my thing. If being so open turns out to be a bad idea, I’ll realise it soon enough. I’ll just wait and see where this goes.

Today I found my beloved old private blog again and dusted and reanimated it. This blog – Destination Humanity – has become rather open; I’m proud of my progress. Yet my heart still aches for honest outpours of thoughts and emotions about people I meet and situations I run into that occur at any time of the day. Or in the middle of the night. I just write differently then. So here’s an experimental post. Principally for myself – but as always, I’m open for your constructive feedback. :)

26 Comments
    1. Your thoughts are similar to mine. Overwhelm. Fear of honesty hurting. Wanting a more fulfilling life. Being more daring.

      I can relate to all of this.

      I became aware of these thoughts starting 5 years ago… ish…

      After living a life not mine and which is almost a blank.

      Like I woke up at age 31…

      Oh how I wish I was 21 when I awoke.

      You have these thoughts, don’t let them pain you, it’s growth!

      And you’re still young enough to fully make use of it and find your meaning… as I am still young enough too!

      Colonel sanders found his well into his sixties… Abraham Lincoln found his after mental breakdowns and the loss of his wife… Walt Disney found his even after he was fired from his newspaper job for “lacking imagination”.

      You have a great skill in photography.

      And you write from the heart.

      People can truly relate to your words, and for that you will be loved as long as you love yourself…

      I give you these wise words and I know that this advice I give I also need to take myself…

      1. You know, what really fascinates me is realizing that I’m not alone with my thoughts, that they don’t only apply to girls that just entered their 20s. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it :)

        Well, the thought of “not wanting to wake up and realise that I wasted my life” has been with me for at least two years now, but I have to remind myself of it again and again because it’s so easy to forget it in the busyness of life.

        Also, thank you very much for your encouragement, people like you make blogging amazing :) take care and have a lovely day!

    1. This is a beautiful post, sad but beautiful.
      I relate very much to the “Time flies, faster and faster, unstoppable. My life drifts past me and I’m so afraid of dying without having lived because of bad phases and stress.” It seems mad that we, being so young, should have this fear.

      I don’t think you should be afraid to post the truth. If it is how you feel sometimes you just have to let it all out.

      <3

      1. I agree, don’t be afraid to post! It may very well give someone the peace they need too…

        1. “It may very well give someone the peace they need too…” I can’t wish for anything more when it comes to my writing, it’d be amazing if that happens once in a while.

          1. It possibly already does… people may not be willing to be open about their fears and may never say anything about it, but reading it may well help them anyway.

            Write as if every single post helps one person, have the belief it does… but more importantly that it benefits YOU.

            1. Maurice, thank you so much for your encouragement. My blog wouldn’t exist without people like you. Take good care <3

      1. Thank you for your kind and encouraging comment, dear Jade! <3 it's great how you lovely readers give me the strength to push my insecurities aside and continue doing what I love to do.

        Have a wonderful week <3

    1. As I tell my students: “Words carry power. The world needs to feel and tremble with the power of your words.” Don’t ever be afraid to write from the heart, to share your story because that’s what gives us that human side.

      As for waking up, it happened for me when my daughter spent three week in Europe last year. She was with a music group that was on a whirlwind tour of several countries, visiting, singing, seeing what life can be elsewhere. My youngest daughter travels to Germany for an exchange in June. I want this before I feel left behind.

      Imagine. Create. Share.

      Whatever it is, keep waking up to that feeling of “what’s next” and go with it. :)

      1. I like the thought that words can carry power, hopefully your students appreciate your advice as much as I do :)

        It’s amazing that your daughters get to travel and see and experience other countries! Does your younger daughter already know where she’ll be? Is she going to stay for a year? My exchange year was an incredibly enriching experience. I’d love to host her and show her around if she wants to see Switzerland :)) though I’m not sure how you could bring that up haha

        Thank you for your thoughtful comment! :)

    1. Write what you feel. Readers will sort through. Not, twenty-one? :) I guess you don’t – always -f eel it, but it is a blessed time. You have doubts? Fears? Many? So what? Only idiots have no doubts. Your doubts and fears are part of you you are. For better of for worse. But a part of you. Only a part. Let them be, just don’t let your fears control you. :) That is the only danger. It is Spring. Look at the wind dance in the newly born tree leaves.

      1. haha I’m always afraid of annoying people with the randomness that goes on in my mind. But then, nobody is forced to read what I write, so I guess it’s okay, I just have to remind myself of that.
        I do feel it’s a blessed time, I guess that’s why I’m afraid it’ll pass too quickly. I definitely have to learn that my fears and emotions in general are only a part of me, but I’m the one in control. When did you figure all this out? :)

        1. A good question… Around 20? As everyone, I wanted to be accepted. :) Sometime was, sometime wasn’t. Then I decided there were things I wanted to do. MY things. If some people “followed” or wanted to do the same things, fine. If not, fine too. The funny thing is that once you choose to do your things, others will follow suit. :) As simple as that.

    1. Not, 21? I meant: “Now, 21?” :)
      I’m 21 too. For the third time, and believe me, it ain’t the same. ;)
      So enjoy your first 21.
      Have a lovely week-end.
      B.

      1. :D it still fascinates me that my thoughts don’t seem too immature and boring for people from another generation. I really appreciate your time!
        Are you happy with how you’ve spent your past three 21s?
        Have a lovely week! :)

        1. Immature? No. Torn, yes. You hesitate between Life and sorrow. The mark of a – too – sensitive soul. Hey. That’s… you. Just make sure the shadows don’t overgrow the sun. :) (I’ve lost people to those shadows) :) Am I happy for the past three 21’s? Yes. For the most part. I’ve gone for my dreams. Made some true. Others failed, but, hey can’t win’em all. :) The key thing is Johny Walker: “Keep walking”. No matter what. Another example: I did a lot of horse riding as a child. Took some baaaad falls. The only rule is: get back up on your horse. Be good Monika. ;)

    1. More people than you realize feel that way at 21. I know I did and I wish that I had the courage to speak about it as you do. Your words help so many people. They truly do. It has made me understand that sometimes I still feel that way at the age of 58. Keep that gift of wonder and keep asking those questions of yourself. It makes you more human and makes you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

      1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging comment, Julie! From the feedback I received there seem to be people who are older than me that feel similarly, too, and it’s so good to know that it’s rather normal and nothing to worry about. I appreciate your encouragement a lot, you are a very kind soul <3 thank you.

    1. Hello, Monika. Reading your “2017” list, I remember realizing about 30 that most people when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”, typically substitute what they want to do. Those that travel furthest into being report the dissolving of self into the immediacy of the situation – that subtle Zen concept of “no self.” It is to see others become more capable in our presence – something that Western culture reallocates into their sense of self-importance. Those of us that give and give often starve for reciprocation, and fall into self-doubt.

      I don’t know if this is helpful, but I often wish for women to believe in themselves; to be tender with themselves; to allow the natural world to breath into them in the most intimate way; to draw confidently upon the reservoirs that the Mother holds for you.

      Blessings on your journey.

    1. I love the way you write – so lyrically! I have been going through something similar, waking up, and I’m quite a bit older than you – and I keep reminding myself that as long as I am still here, it’s not too late and it’s a good thing. I also agree about honest posts, revealing our humanity. The people and artists I am most drawn to are the ones who show themselves – flaws, scars, beauty. It’s who we are, right? We are all our own combination of these things, and that’s what make us unique and, yet, similar in our own humanity.

    1. Sometimes we have to evade the express of the true depth of ourselves in order to protect not only those we care about but ourselves. Perhaps that limitation is a natural velocity that will dictate how slow a speed something needs to be processed.

      Beautifully said.

      Jordan

Let me know what you think!

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