Big In Japan. Infinite loop. Laura’s beautiful voice mingles with Nick’s velvety one. Nick, about whom J told me all those years ago. 2013. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I still have his cover of Radioactive on my iPod. A memento of a very intense time in Singapore. And surprisingly, I’ll get to know him soon – through photography. It doesn’t hurt to ask, Monika.
I used to admire him from afar. Thought he was too talented, too handsome, too cool for me. Like so many other people I got to know in the last two years. Some even became friends. Once again I marvelously underestimated myself. Sometimes I’d really like to see myself through someone else’s eyes.
It’s time to step out of my comfort zone, to dare more. Or I’ll never get better.
✕ ✕ ✕
3:20 am. My body cries for sleep but melancholy keeps me awake. Their cover of Alphaville’s song puts my head into a hazy state, I’m drenched by a flood of feelings.
I’m twenty-one. My first relationship was seven years ago, my exchange year five. Time flies, faster and faster, unstoppable. My life drifts past me and I’m so afraid of dying without having lived because of bad phases and stress. Now I want to do too much at once – make new experiences, get to know more fascinating people, not missing out on anything. At the end I’ll overwhelm myself, short circuit, but well. Someday I’ll learn from my mistakes. Hopefully.
Sleeping monsters have been awaken. Insecurity, haughtiness? I don’t know. But I can’t forget that I am the one in control of my emotions. Not vice versa. They don’t define me.
✕ ✕ ✕
I’m afraid of writing truly honestly about my thoughts and feelings. Stop leaving out the really ugly details. Would I tell too much? Definitely. But on the other side, I can’t stand the prim and proper texts anymore. They don’t mean anything, not to me. There’s nothing more interesting and beautiful than texts that show inner conflict, that make you feel uneasy about hitting the red publish button. Texts that illustrate the duality of life. The human condition. And yet I don’t want to hurt anybody. Why isn’t it possible to be completely honest without hurting anyone?
And of course, there’s always the question: “Who cares about your thoughts and feelings?” However, at the end, it’s about how I can benefit from all this. Not about relevance or whatever. I shouldn’t care about those who don’t let me do my thing. If being so open turns out to be a bad idea, I’ll realise it soon enough. I’ll just wait and see where this goes.
Today I found my beloved old private blog again and dusted and reanimated it. This blog – Destination Humanity – has become rather open; I’m proud of my progress. Yet my heart still aches for honest outpours of thoughts and emotions about people I meet and situations I run into that occur at any time of the day. Or in the middle of the night. I just write differently then. So here’s an experimental post. Principally for myself – but as always, I’m open for your constructive feedback. :)