Trying to keep it together and keep going can be quite exhausting. Not letting possible failure bring you down, convincing yourself that everything will be okay while the doubtful and pessimistic voice screams something else.. I know my rational part is right. But how do you convince emotions?
After spending the last week encouraging myself, reading and doing some self-therapy by binge-watching all the Vampire Diaries episodes I’ve missed since last year (yes, I actually watch this teenie-drama-series. I firmly disagree with the way the characters handle problems and many things are exaggerated and don’t make sense, but it distracts me from reality and yes, for some reason, I like it anyway), I’m back on track.
Fragile, taking baby steps with shaking legs – but moving forward, supported by amazing people. Friends, family, bloggers, strangers. Without you, I’d still be lying on the floor, beating myself up for mistakes that can’t be undone. And after having experienced shattering solitude, I appreciate every support I get even more. So thank you for your kind words. <3
However, I feel like everybody expects aesthetically pleasant work from me and unlike at the beginning, I’m not allowed to make failures anymore. It doesn’t make sense, I know, but I’ve always been prone to be overly self-critical and now I’m afraid that I can’t keep up with the expectations. So since I’m currently not confident enough to photograph others, I feel like taking self-portraits, trying to express my moods and feelings.
Adding to the confusion is the realization that I have no idea what kind of photos I want to take. I thought I knew, but that was wishful thinking. I’m so new in photography and still have to find my voice, my signature. That means I’m going to start experimenting again, which is probably a good thing.
Also, the weather has been horrible the last couple of days and sparked the restlessness and gloomy feelings in me again. Darkness. Lost. In some way I’m glad to have those feelings back. They make me creative again. I feel more connected to the person I used to be. I’m so familiar with these feelings that I miss them in the photos I create when I’m happy, as if those photos don’t show all of me and the way I see the world. The darkness is an important part of who I was; I want to include it in the photos I take, no matter of whom.
Years ago, I wasn’t able to express the darkness that nested in my soul and kept it for myself, letting it swallow me up. Now I can, and I will.
Some words about the self-portraits in this post: I used photoshop to make my skin (that is ruined by acne) look better, but aside from that, I didn’t use any makeup. I didn’t want to hide behind any masks. Together with the bare shoulder and the hopefully a bit raw and insecure expression, I wanted to transmit my vulnerability and the uncertainty about what’s coming next. I hope I succeeded at least a bit :)