Monika's

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

A Lonely Heart

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends. Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if...

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very loud (day vii)

angry voices saying things they don’t mean breaking hearts crying toddlers in the bus distress hate inner conflict Manila missing someone who doesn’t miss you New Years’s Eve planes before takeoff the music I listen to after a fight the silence of solitude the voice of self-doubt thunder … feel free to share other loud things that come into your mind x...

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aftermath (day vi)

A goodbye. And an almost. An almost that comes with implications that are too vast to grasp. My mind goes blank. Blood rushes into my head, my body goes cold. I’m glad I hardly blush. On the tip of my tongue– What? What did you think?! But I swallow the words, can imagine the reply, can’t bear to hear the truth, not right now. So I turn around, my legs mechanically leading me down the steps to the subjacent floor. One step...

this road (day v)

this road started on a Sunday evening in Singapore almost 22 years ago   yesterday it led me to this bleak playground somewhere in Uruguay   this road has been bumpy at times not always paved leading me through beautiful places as well as pitch-black tunnels   but maybe it’s wrong to think that i’m merely following an already existent road to an unknown destination   maybe i’m the builder constructing it on the go   directing its course on my...