Always Searching

2016-12-01

Here I thought I’ve finally settled down, found the me I want to be. I believed this journey of looking for myself has finally come to an end – after living abroad on my own, dying my hair a neon colour, finding my passion and changing my dress style a couple of times.

But lately I’ve found myself uncomfortable in my own skin again. It’s not just my weight, or the overwhelming softness where once had been firm muscles. It’s also that the clothes I wear don’t quite fit my personality. Not even my photography is making me truly happy: it’s not expressing my emotions and vision, never really feels like me. I’ve lost my vision, if I ever had one.

So much feels wrong, off, dissonant.

I want to express myself differently, but how can I, if I don’t even know who I am currently? Apparently the girl I was a couple of months ago is no longer here, but who have I become instead? It feels like I’m always searching, never comfortable with an identity for too long.

It’s always winter when I feel like shedding my old skin and turning into someone new. Maybe because autumn brings so many changes and it takes a while till the new situation and its impact on me sinks in.

Once again it’s time to change my hair, wear different clothes, cleanse my social media accounts. But it’s not smart to wipe the slate clean if you don’t know what’s supposed to come afterwards, so I’ll have to figure that out first.

∙•∙

Rereading this post makes me realise that there’s something else that’s been bothering me: My writing style. Knowing that people who know me can read my blog changes everything. I miss the rawness my anonymous/private blog had. The posts were filled with emotions that weren’t censored, the words flowed impulsively (maybe also because they were in German) and matched my emotional character so much more than these overthought lines.

Now I always worry before publishing a post that it might not get any comments (at this point: a huge thank-you to those of you who comment, it really means a lot to me! <3) . I’m also worried about annoying people with my thoughts. And that’s plain stupid.

I miss blogging. It’ll do me good to post more often, write whatever is on my mind, no matter how trivial it is. At the end, I’m supposed to do it for myself. I have to learn to stop looking for recognition. If things go the way I want, you can expect more (and ideally also rawer) posts this month, a more authentic glimpse into my mind. We’ll see how it goes.

∙•∙

I hope you’re doing well, have a wonderful last month of the year <3

31 Comments
    1. Hi Moni, ich finde das Foto zu deinem Beitrag unglaublich schön. Viel Glück bei deiner Suche nach dir selbst (das klingt so ironisch/trivial, soll es aber gar nicht – das ist echt eine Herausforderung!) Keep going :*

      1. Herzlichen Dank, liebe Mara! <3 Ja, mal sehen, ich habe keinen Plan, wie ich das angehen soll, aber schreiben hat bisher immer geholfen :D bin übrigens vom 8. bis 11. Dezember wieder in Deutschland, vielleicht kannst du mal nach Mainz kommen? :)

    1. Melancholics are always looking for deeper meaning and more satisfying answers, and this degree of searching can leave us feeling as if there is no real core to our identity.

      We’re also perfectionists because our ideals and our longing draw us higher and higher in search of fulfilment. That’s why we become frustrated with our imperfect modes of expression, or grow tired and bored of hobbies, interests, or even passions once they become predictable or expend the promise of taking us “beyond” somehow.

      Your core ideal or longing will always be there, but the outer manifestations of it will undoubtedly change. This can be hard, because we are looking for somewhere to belong. But on the positive side, the ideal will push us always to improve, to develop ourselves, and eventually be at peace with our own temperament. At least, that’s what’s happening to me after many years of searching and the endless cycle of looking to belong somewhere, only to become dissatisfied all too quickly.

      1. I’m relieved to hear that there are others going through the same, thank you very much for sharing and explaining :)

        It’s great that you’re finally at peace with your own temperament. It gives me hope that this won’t go on for too much longer. Take care :)

    1. Always wanting to change is a good thing. Every moment in our lives will always be different. But there is no such thing as the real you. Because there is just always you.

      1. Thank you for your comment! Especially this part caught my attention: “But there is no such thing as the real you. Because there is just always you.” Do you feel like elaborating? It sounds like a very interesting thought! Have a lovely weekend x

        1. I meant that all aspects in your life are all you. There is no real Monika out there that will define you. Because all experiences you go through are you. Even you wanting to change is Monika, simply wanting to try something different. Embrace being a multifaceted individual.

          1. Thank you for the explanation! I understand and agree – but there are some aspects of me/my life I don’t like and I want to change that in order to be in harmony with myself. And I guess the ‘real me’ in this context is the me I want to be (but of course I’m also the me I don’t want to be :D)

    1. Once you stop seeking validation through others is when you will find yourself. I deal with this a lot as well but it’s just the truth. <3

      1. I agree! So for now, I’m trying to isolate myself from places like Facebook where reactions sillily mean too much for me. It’s not doing me any good. I hope you’re successful on your path of finding yourself – thank you for your comment and take care! <3

    1. Ah, I know what you’re talking about (on your last point). Even though you’re doing something you love, there’s still an inkling of you that recognizes it is, to some extent, performative…it just feels.. different when you’re writing as anon/privately vs publicly. Often I like journaling when I’m looking for free-flow writing !

      1. Amen to that! However, now it feels like a dam was breached and I could write write write so much (as long as I don’t have to share it on Facebook). Thank you so much for your comment, it helped me get over this stagnancy :) have a lovely weekend! x

    1. I don’t think there is ever a permanent state of the self. I think we are always changing and growing, and that can be scary but it’s good!

      1. That makes sense, but don’t you think most people somehow know their current self? I’m utterly confused about who I am and what I want and it’s a bit disturbing :D

    1. I think The Wayfarer (I don’t know her real name) is right: we’re always changing. We’re constantly encountering new situations and learning new lessons, so I doubt the ‘self’ is truly permanent. I’d even suggest that those of us who are more open (emotionally and intellectually) are more susceptible to change.

      Also, hasn’t your life undergone a lot of changes lately? I know you’re taking a photography course too, which I imagine makes you much more busy than you were before. That combination of transitions and stress is bound to affect one’s mental state, especially if there’s less time for sleep. So while I don’t want to minimize your reality, I don’t think you need to be too hard on yourself for the way you’re feeling.

      It might do you some good to be more raw with your posts, if your writing style’s been bothering you. I don’t think that those who know you will think anything less of you for it, although I have no idea of what those people are actually like. But in my experience people are generally more supportive and understanding than I expect them to be. Well, at least mature people are.

      1. hey Josh, first of all I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate that you take your time (I know you’ve got a lot to do) to write one of your insightful comments :)

        What you write totally makes sense, change is a good thing and I feel a bit sad for people who aren’t able to change. So my current confusion is definitely related with my new situation.

        My studies aren’t THAT time-consuming – I think I struggle more because of the feedback I get. I know they want us to improve and the only way to do so is with constructive criticism, but sometimes it seems like I’m getting everything wrong and are simply not good enough. But that’s another topic :D

        “Well, at least mature people are.” I love this last sentence. Carefully worded, but it says everything :D I decided to write more often without thinking about it too much, so I get more familiar with it and care less about recognition. But at the same time, I also decided to withdraw a bit from publishing my stuff on Facebook because it’s putting too much pressure on me.

        Have a lovely weekend and take care! :)

        (btw “The Wayfarer” is called Arielle, a wonderful name, isn’t it? :D)

          1. haha I have the feeling that they had very limited options, but well – I’m in and I’ll try to make the best out of it :)

    1. I love you whoever you are. I love you know matter what you do. I am so grateful that you share your thoughts, emotions, your insights, your questions, your victories, your struggles, your photography, your spontaneous musings from the heart, and your self-critical examination. As you struggle to know who you are, you help me to find myself.

      1. :P I’m thinking of dying the tips red, but I don’t think it’ll work out haha

    1. I don’t think you should worry about annoying people or a lack of comments. Your blog is awesome! I’m usually into fiction especially fantasy but you write so well just about your own factual life. I’ve only checked out a bit of your blog so far but I’m eager to read more

      1. Hey Shane, thank you so much for your super kind comment! :)) it made me really happy to read it and it’s very encouraging. I hope you’re having a lovely weekend, take care! :)

    1. Hi Monika,

      I read a few of your posts and I can relate. I’ve found bliss and some peace in my life in some very weird places (including after my boyfriend’s suicide–it was a long road to recovery), but travel has consistently helped me get there.

      Thanks for taking a peek at my blog Bucket List, Australia at https://bucketlistsouthaustralia.wordpress.com/. It’s a record of little joys as a first-time visitor. I am happy to share these moments with lovely people like you.

      Ulrike Rodrigues (born in Germany from an Austrian mother and a Goan-Indian father who was born in Burma, and who met in the UK and then moved to Canada) :-)

    1. You blog began an awesome run of relevant comments and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about the journeys that others are taking. I do think loads of us are questioning and I also believe that this is a GOOD thing. Hugs from ME

    1. I really know what you mean. You commented (liked) on my blog the other day, so I thought I would come and read yours. Having spent a lifetime in re-education through education, I would like to say that your writing style is fluent, effortless, enjoyable, succinct, and driving. By the way, I love neon hair. I never thought I would ever be a blogger, because I didn’t think that anyone would be interested in me. However I felt compelled to start a blog to try and save the lives, especially young adults. So we both put ourselves out there to be commented or criticised, and re-inventing yourself keeps it relevant and interesting. Thank you for liking my blog. And thank you for writing yours. It keeps me grounded and feeling good. Cheers from Sydney.

    1. Hi Monika – I started writing having no idea if I wanted an audience. I was writing what was happening to me because I wanted to. Yes, there is a freedom in being anonymous. There is also a freedom in writing what appeals to you, what concerns you, and not caring what others think about you. And that is tough lesson to learn. I grew up with the message that as a girl I am make other people important and please them. As I get older, I realize some people can actually despise you for that and make your life hell simply because they know they can. And know you will suffer because you’re wondering why someone doesn’t like you or respect you. All I can say is: continue to write, continue to focus on what you are doing and going about in your life. This is your life, a moment you are recording about your life. It’s your blog. So go for it.

Let me know what you think!

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