Here I thought I’ve finally settled down, found the me I want to be. I believed this journey of looking for myself has finally come to an end – after living abroad on my own, dying my hair a neon colour, finding my passion and changing my dress style a couple of times.
But lately I’ve found myself uncomfortable in my own skin again. It’s not just my weight, or the overwhelming softness where once had been firm muscles. It’s also that the clothes I wear don’t quite fit my personality. Not even my photography is making me truly happy: it’s not expressing my emotions and vision, never really feels like me. I’ve lost my vision, if I ever had one.
So much feels wrong, off, dissonant.
I want to express myself differently, but how can I, if I don’t even know who I am currently? Apparently the girl I was a couple of months ago is no longer here, but who have I become instead? It feels like I’m always searching, never comfortable with an identity for too long.
It’s always winter when I feel like shedding my old skin and turning into someone new. Maybe because autumn brings so many changes and it takes a while till the new situation and its impact on me sinks in.
Once again it’s time to change my hair, wear different clothes, cleanse my social media accounts. But it’s not smart to wipe the slate clean if you don’t know what’s supposed to come afterwards, so I’ll have to figure that out first.
Rereading this post makes me realise that there’s something else that’s been bothering me: My writing style. Knowing that people who know me can read my blog changes everything. I miss the rawness my anonymous/private blog had. The posts were filled with emotions that weren’t censored, the words flowed impulsively (maybe also because they were in German) and matched my emotional character so much more than these overthought lines.
Now I always worry before publishing a post that it might not get any comments (at this point: a huge thank-you to those of you who comment, it really means a lot to me! <3) . I’m also worried about annoying people with my thoughts. And that’s plain stupid.
I miss blogging. It’ll do me good to post more often, write whatever is on my mind, no matter how trivial it is. At the end, I’m supposed to do it for myself. I have to learn to stop looking for recognition. If things go the way I want, you can expect more (and ideally also rawer) posts this month, a more authentic glimpse into my mind. We’ll see how it goes.
I hope you’re doing well, have a wonderful last month of the year <3