“Something’s wrong with you,” she says, a questioning look in her eyes. Really. I laugh, trying to shake it off. “It’s probably the alcohol.” We’ve just drunk a glass of wine and a mojito. Home-made. It’s the first time we drink together. But I’m not convincing enough. “No, it’s something else.” She doesn’t know me that well, how can she be so sure? I thought I’ve found some kind of balance in the last couple of hours. But probably it was just another attempt to escape.

Pretending sucks. She’s right. Something’s wrong. I’ve been running away, seeking refuge in company, conversations, travels, alcohol, nature, sleep. What am I fleeing from? Bleak thoughts, f*cked up feelings? It’s stupid, I should know better. We can’t run away from ourselves. My mind stresses me out. Lucerne is a rainy cage where I’m confronted with the same old thought carousel again and again. I wanted to get away, spend some days in sunny Italy. But life had other plans. And it’s okay. A part of me is even relieved.

Funny enough, we’re respected when we speak about our weaknesses. They make us human. Vulnerability is good – as long as our weaknesses are within certain boundaries. Because some things are too disgraceful to talk about, their mere existence an inexcusable flaw. I keep them within me where they fester, poisoning my mind and heart. Time heals all wounds.

I’m still feeling empty on so many days. But I’ve learnt something: trying to fill the emptiness is not the best way to deal with it. Treating the symptoms won’t help, it’s about the problem. So I will let it sink in, familiarise myself with this uncomfortable void and embrace it as an integral part of me.

    1. Vulnerability used to seem fine – now it seems like a bad decision. Time heals all wounds – but how much time, no one ever really knows.

      1. Thanks for your comment. I guess it’s fine as long as we don’t hurt anyone. Well, in my case it’s hopefully just a matter of weeks. Take care, I hope you’re doing well!

        1. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, well, I have the feeling you wouldn’t. It’s getting hurt that is the tightrope we walk. Thank you for your well wishes.

          1. You have a very flattering image for me, but I’m afraid we’re all capable of hurting others, whether we want it or not. But things are going to be alright :)

            1. We are all capable. A sensitive soul is more likely to be hurt than hurt. I’m glad things will be okay though. :)

    1. There are ways to learn to how to integrate negative feelings into one’s being without becoming overwhelmed by them. Certain spiritual traditions can help with this, and there are a few counselors who include bits of these traditions in their practice. But you’re right, trying to fill the void with distractions usually doesn’t help.

      1. Thank you for your comment, Josh! In the last few weeks I’ve talked a lot with others about the flaws that have been bothering so much and learnt that while I’m not the only one that has those flaws, the others accept them as a part of who they are instead of fighting against them. And realizing that they’re not wrong per se has helped me a lot. I hope that makes sense :D

        On another note – please let me know about the print when you have some time :) I hope you’re doing well, if I’m not wrong you’re going to Belize in two weeks. I can’t wait to read about your adventures there!!

    1. Let me know if you ever need to chat. I’m sure you have lots of offers, but just so you know, here’s another. Hang in there.

      1. Thank you very much for your kind offer, I appreciate it a lot <3 it's really good to know. Same to you, I'm there if you ever need someone who listens.

    1. Art: an outlet? Or does it make things worse?

      As S. Kelly said: Hang in there!

      1. Are you referring to the photo? And is it a rhetorical question? :D

        Thank you! I hope you’re doing well :)

    1. Today, a friend of my son called him to suggest that he wishes to meet me. The friend, S, came over and we spoke for more than an hour. The essence of his concern was things on his mind that he valued, which but left him reclusive, seemingly imposing, even unfriendly.

      My suggestion :
      — don’t believe everything you think;
      — the cause for happiness, one’s own and of others, is more important than the cause of whatever truth we might believe in;
      — meet people with a clear proposition, even if unspoken : I want nothing; what would you like or want ?

      Overall : expand your being into other things and people around you, not contract into yourself…

      1. Hi Ashok, thank you for your valuable advice! I’ve been hearing the sentence “don’t believe everything you think” a lot, but only this week I realised how often my mind has been fooling me into believing something that’s not true.
        The other two points you mentioned have also started to make more sense to me lately. Thank you for sharing them with me. It’s great that your friend’s son knows who he can talk to in order to get the advice he needs. :) I hope you’re doing well, take care!

    1. Emptiness. Weaknesses. Yep. We all do… have or feel those. Can’t really help it. And both have a way to come back nagging. May I suggest a different approach? Try SWOT. Look it up. See what it means. There are several pages explaining how to do it. Not all that good. you will have to make a selection. :)
      Then do your own SWOT. Use Excell. And tell you what? Once you’ve done it, mail it to me. My mail is on my Gravatar. I’ve done a lot of SWOT’s for my corporate clients. But it also works for persons. I can give you my opinion.
      For free. As an E-friend.

      1. I’m going to check out SWOT, thank you so much for your offer! You are very kind :)) These weeks are super crazy, but when I’m in Uruguay I’m going to read about it. I’m so glad to have people like you reading my blog :) take care!

      1. Oh girl, I hope you’re okay. Feel free to send me a message when you want to talk about it, I won’t judge <3 hugs xx

    1. “But I’ve learnt something: trying to fill the emptiness is not the best way to deal with it. Treating the symptoms won’t help, it’s about the problem. So I will let it sink in, familiarise myself with this uncomfortable void and embrace it as an integral part of me.”

      These words resonated with me. I’m experiencing this while dealing first hand with grief and heartbreak…

      1. :( I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you have supportive people in your life and that you’re going to be okay again soon. Big hug from Switzerland <3

        1. Thank you so much! I’m lucky to have the people around me – they make each day worth living! Keep writing these lovely pieces – they are helping with healing.

          1. I’m so glad to hear that! <3 and thank you for your kind words, the love I get here mean a lot to me xx

    1. “Something’s wrong. I’ve been running away, seeking refuge in company, conversations, travels, alcohol, nature, sleep.”

      Thank you for writing and sharing your post! :)

    1. I enjoyed reading “Acceptance”. Thank you for liking my blog “The Secret Notes” it means a lot to me 💝☺️

    1. There’s nothing wrong with escaping for a bit as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. Always hold onto that piece of yourself and never try to be someone you’re not. If people don’t like that piece of yourself then they’re not worth your time, and if they do like that piece of yourself, they’re the friends you want to keep. Hang in there, you’re not alone on this journey. :)

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful and supporting comment! <3 I guess I tend to be extreme, so there was the very real possibility of losing myself and real friends. But the last days were healing, I confronted myself with difficult realities and now I know things are going to be alright. I hope you're doing well xx

    1. I am in love with this, you and your work <3 i can relate to this is many ways so thank you for sharing it :)
      nicole ᵔᴥᵔ //

      1. Daw thank you very much for your sweet words, Nicole! :)) have a lovely Sunday xx

    1. Good line: Funny enough, we’re respected when we speak about our weaknesses.

      1. :) sorry for my late reply– thank you for your comment! Unfortunately I didn’t make it to Italy haha take care!

    1. i have read a few of your blogs, and I think you are funny, smart, witty, amazing, kind, honest, gentle, beautiful and a very genuine person.
      I feel the pain and the struggles that you talk about in many of your posts.
      My heart goes out to you because I can see that you have some much more potential in life. It does not sound like you are all that you could be.

      I really hope that things are going better for you now, because you deserve better. You really are an amazing person with a lot to offer to the world.

      I would love to connect with you if you are interested

      Papa Ray

      1. wow, that’s a long list of awesome things to be! thank you for your comment and kind wishes :) Luckily I can say that I’ve been working on becoming who I can become and the past few weeks have been amazing. I hope you’re doing well, take care!

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