A Lonely Heart

2017-08-08

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends.

Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if I don’t try to find out who’s with me in the long run and this is when sweet vulnerability kicks in.

It hasn’t been an issue till I’ve come back to Uruguay. It’s different here. I’m different here. I change, morph into a weaker version of myself. Social interactions become hard again. The thing I crave is also what sucks up my strength. I stay in bed for too long, disgusted of who I am, head aching from circling thoughts, loneliness devouring my heart. Through the metal-grilled window I see a patch of blue sky, the sun reflects on the front opposite of us. Another warm day goes to waste, mocking me for my incapability of accomplishing the simple task of getting up.

I want a way out of loneliness, just like you. – Elliot, Mr. Robot

Upon stumbling over this phrase from the series Mr. Robot I realise I have more in common with the main protagonist than I thought. Hacking is his way out of loneliness, photography is mine. I want to connect with people because there’s this gnawing hole in me. I feel disconnected from the world and only forget about it while I’m photographing. Photography is my way out of loneliness. It’s a desperate truth, very embarrassing to admit. I’d rather mutter in the dark of the confessional but I promised more honesty, so here it is. Photography is my way out of loneliness.

DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T– 

A mantra on repeat.

The frequency of communication with certain friends very dear to me has decreased and it’s killing me. I feel abandoned, my links to Switzerland – home? – severed. I’m lost, floating in a space in-between, neither here nor there. I know from past experiences that fewer messages don’t mean anything. But it feels as if I’m not a priority anymore while they still mean so much to me. I need them. Is this loneliness fixable? Is there a cure? What’s missing, what’s wrong with me? 

Breathe. Freaking out won’t get me anywhere. In an attempt of letting go and finding some peace, I focus on reading, writing, creating. I disconnect from social media. I can’t depend on other people to fill the void in my heart, so I try to do it myself. And maybe that’s the answer, it seems to be working out just fine.

34 Comments
    1. Writing from some time ago: The more lonely I am the more I withdraw the more I need my friends the worse I behave toward those friends the more lonely I become.

      An endless cycle broken, for me, by sharing the intense need of attention and the why’s behind that with those friends who truly love me.

      1. Thank you for sharing, this is 100% me! I’m glad you were able to break that cycle, I guess I have to take a leap of faith and share it too. Would you mind telling me about your “why”?
        Take care!

    1. “Not everyone can handle this intensity,” – felt like reading my own thoughts. You are right Monica, you have to fill your own void, seek out your core people, because trust me they are there, and maybe you haven’t met them yet. I often used to confuse longevity of my relationships with the importance of them, but I was so wrong. I now believe my online connection with a like minded soul like you is more valuable because somehow you get me through your words, and I get you because of them.
      It’s amazing that you are channeling yourself through your passion. It’s the best way to fulfill your life. <3

      Also, do you have an IG handle you could share?

      1. Thank you for giving me the comfort of your words <3 it's really good to know I'm not alone with this. I'm struggling because I got attached to people with whom I've shared that intense bond but it seems it has come to an unexpected end.. but well, at least I can channel these feelings into my writing and photography :) and I agree, online connections are amazing!

        I'm not sure what you mean, my instagram is @monikajiarui if you meant that :)

        Take care and enjoy your weekend! <3

        1. I’ve been through similar experiences, so now I’m learning to channel my intensity into experiences like writing that are more fulfilling.
          Thank you for sharing your IG I’ll find you :) have a great weekend!

    1. Photography is your way, writing is mine you we all have our ways of dealing and getting by. You are not alone.

    1. There’s great strength in vulnerability…this is a very honest, open, deep piece. We’ve all been there, and some of us still are; keep using your talents and sharing your gifts with the world. There’s strength there, too.

      1. Thank you for your kind words! Yes, I believe that many of us are feeling lonely at times but I think (I might be wrong) there’s this taboo about admitting it. It’s really good to be able to share this and receive so much support in return :)

        1. There’s definitely a stigma attached to admitting any sort of loneliness in today’s world, but you’re right, there’s freedom and comfort in the sharing of the post (and the support). Cheers!

      1. I can’t ask for more than kind and encouraging comments, thank you very much :)

        1. Kind and encouraging comments you shall have. :)

          I hope you are well and that you are able to keep doing what you love. You’re one of my favorite bloggers.

    1. I too am that intense woman Monika, that too-much woman! I too used to struggle to ‘get it’ when other friends were ok with lesser contact to maintain our connection, yet to me it was not enough, it felt like an assumption I’d always be there…To me I work hard to honour my connections so why wouldn’t they see and do this too? (They do, from their side it’s enough) Just in case it was from a place of lack in me, I’ve toddled off and spent many years ‘working on myself’, only to rediscover that my intensity also comes from great love and passion with life, it is part of my hyper-sensitivity and empathy which also is a huge part of my gift to the World too. One can not be without the other, I need many outlets for my passion, to spread the intensity in me and yes occasionally it bubbles up as “too much” still and I want to hide too, yet I made myself a promise I wouldn’t any more. Sending you love and blessings my fellow online intensely gorgeous friend. <3 xx

      1. Dear Kelly, your comment made me feel understood and I could deeply identify with what you wrote – thank you very much for sharing your experiences! I love your view and positivity, it helps me embrace it a bit more. I hope I’ll handle it as awesomely as you someday :) love and hugs from Uruguay! <3

        1. You already are handling it awesomely Monika, because you reached out when you needed it most. Whether its in a “I need” direct way or to bravely share as you did, you honoured your “too much-ness” and your tribe came through on here for you. <3 xx Sometimes we have to be ok with our tribe being online for a while whilst other things are slotting into place. Behind the scenes there's great shifts going on all of the time, to physically bring us our next peeps who'll be the same or get us too. In the meantime keep loving all of you, because you are an amazing and courageous woman living out her passions. Your too-much tribe and friends will always find you when you honour that part of you fully, they can't miss you it's Universal law. I know it's hard living with 'it', it still threatens to overwhelm me at times. We've been given this gift for a reason and I'm sure if you ask you'll continue to be shown the best way to handle it for you. Big love to you from the UK my "too-much" sister. <3 xx

    1. I guess when you start the process of not feeling lonely when on your own and not be bored with your own company, that is when you hit the jackpot. Because at the end of it all, if we cannot be happy with ourselves then no amount of people together can keep us not lonely for too long. And I am glad you have started this journey.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful words, Aranab :) normally I share your opinion, but I do think I’m neither bored nor unhappy with my own presence. I guess I’m just struggling with switching continents and leaving my social life behind.. but thank you, I really appreciate your comment and hope you’re doing well :)

        1. I think something is really wrong with me. Having lived in 4 countries across 3 continents I have never felt anything after leaving or missed not being somewhere! I guess blessing in disguise? I hope you feel better soon. :)

          1. Nothing is wrong with you! We all react to things differently :) where have you lived and where do you come from? thank you!

            1. Perhaps that’s my defense mechanism? I am still finding the answer to where I come from. I am local at all the places I have lived and now I do not know who I am (plus a quarter life crisis). So far I have lived in the UK, Bangladesh, Singapore, UK(undergrad), Nepal, Amsterdam.

              1. oh dear, you do sound like me. Let me know if you’ve found an answer that works for you :) Amazing! My share of “homes” isn’t as varied as yours haha

                1. Sweet. Where all have you lived so far? I think ever since I heard of Richard branson and his island I subconsciously made me believe my true home will be my own island. :)

                  1. Singapore, Switzerland, Uruguay and Germany :) I’ll google Richard Branson! I’ve heard that folks who move often find their home in the people around them but it’s not working for everyone..

                    1. It hasn’t worked for me so far. I do feel at home wherever I go. But the countries do not speak to me or resonate with me. You know?

    1. It feels so good to know I am no the only one that feels this way, its a constant battle specially when I am home trying to not need that human connection and there feeling loved. Its all a process, true but is one battle I seem to keep losing more more specially again when I am home. I think the change of going away helps yet the traces of this never leave my mind keeping me wondering if i will ever be happy with love

      1. Dear Sharon, you’re definitely not alone! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m sure that you’ll be happy someday, this is a long journey. I might be wrong, but I think the one way out of this is being courageous and be open about how we feel (so we can connect with others in a deeper level). Honesty connects people in a wonderful way. Take good care of yourself and hugs xx

    1. This connected with me on so many levels. The last paragraph is exactly why I decided to start a blog. I wasn’t sure how far I would go but I wanted to try. ” To actual live my dreams ” Thank you so much. I love this. Writing has always been an escape for me from people & life. Doing these things brings me happiness and the only thing that matters is that I love what I do and if I do others with similar interests will love it too and then I will realise I am not that alone after all. 😊

      1. Thank you so much for your sharing your thoughts, Alexander! And for the lovely compliments too, of course :) You are definitely not alone and I’m glad you’ve found something you love that also makes you happy! Have a lovely week and all the best to you x

    1. Don’t know if you’ve ever watched any of Star Trek, The Next Generation, but there’s this species of aliens known as The Borg. They fly around space looking to take over other species. When they do, they force them to assimilate into the collective consciousness of The Borg, achieved through a kind of hard-wiring of individual to individual so that everyone is constantly connected to everyone. The gain in collective intelligence is powerful and the voices—the dialogue never stops. ~ Well, there’s this story that plays out about a Borg person who is disconnected from the collective, and almost goes mad because of the silence. The silence of her own thoughts. And it takes a very long time for her to get used to it. The loneliness of just being herself. ~ I think social media and all the technology that makes it possible has sort of drawn us all into a Borg-like assimilation. ~ It’s hard to leave that; to go back from it. ~ The silence is…loud.

    1. “You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister.” We all do, but not everyone realises it. Our hearts ache, but we don’t know why. Or we know but feel powerless to fill that void. Only love can fill it. Even then, only one, perfect love can do it. One perfect lover. I recently watched The Shack. It’s a story of a man with a great sadness and emptiness who discovers he is loved after all. You might like it (I shed many tears of joy!) You can rent it on Google “Play Movies and TV”.
      Have a great day and feel loved! ☺

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