You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends.
Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if I don’t try to find out who’s with me in the long run and this is when sweet vulnerability kicks in.
It hasn’t been an issue till I’ve come back to Uruguay. It’s different here. I’m different here. I change, morph into a weaker version of myself. Social interactions become hard again. The thing I crave is also what sucks up my strength. I stay in bed for too long, disgusted of who I am, head aching from circling thoughts, loneliness devouring my heart. Through the metal-grilled window I see a patch of blue sky, the sun reflects on the front opposite of us. Another warm day goes to waste, mocking me for my incapability of accomplishing the simple task of getting up.
I want a way out of loneliness, just like you. – Elliot, Mr. Robot
Upon stumbling over this phrase from the series Mr. Robot I realise I have more in common with the main protagonist than I thought. Hacking is his way out of loneliness, photography is mine. I want to connect with people because there’s this gnawing hole in me. I feel disconnected from the world and only forget about it while I’m photographing. Photography is my way out of loneliness. It’s a desperate truth, very embarrassing to admit. I’d rather mutter in the dark of the confessional but I promised more honesty, so here it is. Photography is my way out of loneliness.
DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOUR MIND SAYS DON’T–
A mantra on repeat.
The frequency of communication with certain friends very dear to me has decreased and it’s killing me. I feel abandoned, my links to Switzerland – home? – severed. I’m lost, floating in a space in-between, neither here nor there. I know from past experiences that fewer messages don’t mean anything. But it feels as if I’m not a priority anymore while they still mean so much to me.
I need them. Is this loneliness fixable? Is there a cure? What’s missing, what’s wrong with me?
Breathe. Freaking out won’t get me anywhere. In an attempt of letting go and finding some peace, I focus on reading, writing, creating. I disconnect from social media. I can’t depend on other people to fill the void in my heart, so I try to do it myself. And maybe that’s the answer, it seems to be working out just fine.