Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without second thoughts and move on, to a place where I feel safer. I’m good at starting over, I’ve done it so often.
This post might sound contradictory to what I’ve written before, I’m still trying to figure this out. It’s a fresh thought, a little revelation – I can be very attached to people, but my capability of detaching is frighteningly big, too. It scares me, how easily I’m able to break away from people I love when I believe they might not care about me as much as they used to. Then, as if it has never happened, everything we experienced together doesn’t matter anymore. Memories don’t exist if they’re not captured with pictures or words; our precious golden bond dissolves in acid.
I’m okay on my own. I went through a phase of being utterly alone and survived (thanks to the help of a couple of kind souls from the internet). I know I don’t need friends directly around me. But it has been like that my whole life, friends changing when my homes did and I used to be okay with it, always focusing on the present and letting the past take a back seat. Nostalgia is poisonous if you have to focus on getting your shit together. So my issue isn’t starting over, no, it’s holding on. Staying, even when it scares the shit out of me because others might leave. I’m normally not the one who gets left behind.
I’m afraid of running away and realising– I don’t miss anyone. That no matter how much I cared about someone, those feelings simply disappear when my mind tells me it’s time to go. I believe there’s something wrong with me. Underneath all this love I want to give is a heart that can be so very cold and ruthless. A momentary glitch in a bond can wipe out our entire history together. This is not how it’s supposed to be, right?
It leaves me perplexed, I’m not sure how to handle this. Lately I’ve tried forcing myself to be brave and tell the truth whenever I felt the urge to cut the ties and run. Not in order to manipulate or force anyone into putting more effort into our bond when they didn’t intend to. I understand that priorities shift, or that I might be asking for more than they can give. Anyways, honesty is risky, I’m fully exposing myself, but I’ve figured that staying and telling about my impulse to run is the best way to cut off my escape. When the other person knows what’s going on, I can hardly make up an excuse and disappear.
This doesn’t save dysfunctional friendships, but it sure prevents me from destroying perfectly fine ones.
My dears, you can’t imagine how much I appreciate you all! ❤️ There’s this blogger advice that says we’re supposed to ask questions at the end of the post so the readers can react to what we’ve written etc. and I’m so so happy that you don’t need that in order to feel animated to share your thoughts & experiences with me 😊 You are seriously the best! Your kindness & support is amazing and I learn so much from you. Thank you for making me feel safe and sane. You are not alone 🌟 Anyways, leaving today, I’m spending a couple of days in a little ranch (with limited electricity and no internet) by the ocean with my love and I’m really looking forward to those days off. I hope you’ll have a lovely week, take care ❤️ hugs from Montevideo! x