Journal

Category

Valizas

Being disconnected for a couple of days, soaking up the winter sun, the ocean breeze and a great read was the best gift I could make myself. When it was quiet at night I didn’t take out my iPod to listen to my favourite songs; I focused on the sound of the ocean instead. The steady swoosh of the waves when everything else fell silent reminded me of cars on a highway. It was soothing to know that there was...

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A Cold Heart

Maybe I’ve missed the point or was wrong about it all along. My fear of being abandoned is immense so it distracted me from something else. Something less obvious, but possibly even bigger – the fear of how I react to alleged imminent abandonment. The fear of realising what I’m capable of when I’m afraid. When I’m in flight mode, I run and burn whatever ties might hold me back. Worse – I’m explosive. I blow up my connections without...

A Lonely Heart

You have this constant need of feeling loved, says my sister. The second you don’t, you feel lonely. Even though you have so many friends. Her words taste bitter. But she’s right, I need a ridiculous amount of attention. This thirst for connection and intimacy stems from the need to give and receive plenty of love. Intense relationships are my thing. I ask for a lot, but I’m willing to give as much. Not everyone can handle this intensity, but I won’t find friends if...

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Nomad Heart

Another summer replaced by winter. It’s exhausting. Three months at a place are too long to count as a short vacation but not long enough to form lasting friendships. No matter where I am, I always miss someone. My friends are never united. And I do try to form meaningful connections wherever I am, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it is. I’d like to stay for once, be somewhere and know that I don’t have to leave...

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no sweets without calories

A part of me wants to throw herself into new adventures that promise both happiness and heartbreak while the other part, the one responsible for my heart’s wellbeing, is so damn afraid of the changes that would inevitably come with it. Everything seemed so clear one year ago; I thought I had my life figured out while everyone else freaked out about the future. Now I see what a fool I was. Certainties only exist in our mind. Nothing is clear,...