“Something’s wrong with you,” she says, a questioning look in her eyes. Really. I laugh, trying to shake it off. “It’s probably the alcohol.” We’ve just drunk a glass of wine and a mojito. Home-made. It’s the first time we drink together. But I’m not convincing enough. “No, it’s something else.” She doesn’t know me that well, how can she be so sure? I thought I’ve found some kind of balance in the last couple of hours. But probably it was just another attempt to escape.

Pretending sucks. She’s right. Something’s wrong. I’ve been running away, seeking refuge in company, conversations, travels, alcohol, nature, sleep. What am I fleeing from? Bleak thoughts, f*cked up feelings? It’s stupid, I should know better. We can’t run away from ourselves. My mind stresses me out. Lucerne is a rainy cage where I’m confronted with the same old thought carousel again and again. I wanted to get away, spend some days in sunny Italy. But life had other plans. And it’s okay. A part of me is even relieved.

Funny enough, we’re respected when we speak about our weaknesses. They make us human. Vulnerability is good – as long as our weaknesses are within certain boundaries. Because some things are too disgraceful to talk about, their mere existence an inexcusable flaw. I keep them within me where they fester, poisoning my mind and heart. Time heals all wounds.

I’m still feeling empty on so many days. But I’ve learnt something: trying to fill the emptiness is not the best way to deal with it. Treating the symptoms won’t help, it’s about the problem. So I will let it sink in, familiarise myself with this uncomfortable void and embrace it as an integral part of me.

    1. Vulnerability used to seem fine – now it seems like a bad decision. Time heals all wounds – but how much time, no one ever really knows.

      1. Thanks for your comment. I guess it’s fine as long as we don’t hurt anyone. Well, in my case it’s hopefully just a matter of weeks. Take care, I hope you’re doing well!

        1. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, well, I have the feeling you wouldn’t. It’s getting hurt that is the tightrope we walk. Thank you for your well wishes.

    1. There are ways to learn to how to integrate negative feelings into one’s being without becoming overwhelmed by them. Certain spiritual traditions can help with this, and there are a few counselors who include bits of these traditions in their practice. But you’re right, trying to fill the void with distractions usually doesn’t help.

    1. Let me know if you ever need to chat. I’m sure you have lots of offers, but just so you know, here’s another. Hang in there.

    1. Art: an outlet? Or does it make things worse?

      As S. Kelly said: Hang in there!

    1. Today, a friend of my son called him to suggest that he wishes to meet me. The friend, S, came over and we spoke for more than an hour. The essence of his concern was things on his mind that he valued, which but left him reclusive, seemingly imposing, even unfriendly.

      My suggestion :
      — don’t believe everything you think;
      — the cause for happiness, one’s own and of others, is more important than the cause of whatever truth we might believe in;
      — meet people with a clear proposition, even if unspoken : I want nothing; what would you like or want ?

      Overall : expand your being into other things and people around you, not contract into yourself…

    1. Emptiness. Weaknesses. Yep. We all do… have or feel those. Can’t really help it. And both have a way to come back nagging. May I suggest a different approach? Try SWOT. Look it up. See what it means. There are several pages explaining how to do it. Not all that good. you will have to make a selection. :)
      Then do your own SWOT. Use Excell. And tell you what? Once you’ve done it, mail it to me. My mail is on my Gravatar. I’ve done a lot of SWOT’s for my corporate clients. But it also works for persons. I can give you my opinion.
      For free. As an E-friend.

Let me know what you think!

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