monika-jia-rui-316

no sweets without calories

A part of me wants to throw herself into new adventures that promise both happiness and heartbreak while the other part, the one responsible for my heart’s wellbeing, is so damn afraid of the changes that would inevitably come with it. Everything seemed so clear one year ago; I thought I had my life figured out while everyone else freaked out about the future. Now I see what a fool I was. Certainties only exist in our mind. Nothing is clear,...

monika-jia-rui-286

naked body, naked soul

I look at the photo above and feel physical and emotional closeness. Intimacy. Finally being able to connect on that level fills my heart with so much joy. It’s kinda .. funny how quickly and radically I tend to shut myself off from people when the greatest desire within me, the thing that keeps me going, is to connect with others. But today I find myself where I’ve always wanted to be. For years I’ve longed for people I could share my deepest feelings...

monika-jia-rui-276

Mistakes

I have a weak moment. For a second, I allow myself to envision the forbidden scenario. That I’d stay here, come back in autumn and continue living in the place I love with the people I love. It’d be too easy, too lovely. No moving out, no goodbyes, no trying to find a new place to stay. I think of writing an email to the boss of the dorm and asking our neighbor who knows her for help. For a...

The Elephant

I can’t believe how close I came to losing real friends just because my mind convinced me that I was expendable. After a month of avoiding him, I finally talk to C. He deserves the truth. I’ve brushed him off so often, but he didn’t let it prevent him from reaching out again and yet again. Friends like him are gold. Giving him up would be pure stupidity. So we drink beer in a cozy bar and I order a pitcher to make...

over the edge

The new life I’ve grown to love is coming to an end. No whining anymore, I have to act. I was assigned to another module I didn’t like? Then I should use my free time to do what makes me feel alive, photograph as often as I can. Make progress with my exchange semester plans. People don’t care about me and I’ll be alone at the end, everything will be lost when I’m back in autumn? So be it. But in...